Guess Who’s Coming To My House This Afternoon?

 

Last night I was bored and lonely again so I got my Ouija board out, hoping for a nice chat with someone interesting. Did I get a nice chat with someone interesting? Did I fuck. I never seem to get anyone interesting – the other night (Sunday, I think), I was talking to a woman from Jarrow, a seamstress who went on and on about sewing and all things to do with sewing – stitches, seams, pleats, materials, threads, needles, thimbles, tape measures, scissors, eyesight, bleeding fingers, the price of candles. NOTHING ELSE. She didn’t even tell me her name. And she began every sentence with “Eeeee, pet,” which is fine when you’re SPEAKING or TYPING it but spelling out each letter of “Eeeee pet,” when the glass has to return to the centre between letters and you haven’t even started your sentence yet is BEYOND BORING for the person at the other end (ME).

I wanted to talk to someone WITH SOMETHING TO SAY. But I always get boring people.

WHY DO I ALWAYS GET BORING PEOPLE?

Where are the FIRST DINOSAUR DIGGER-OUTERS? MARY? GIDEON? RICHARD? What are you doing, why won’t you talk to me?

Where are the people who know my future? MOTHER SHIPTON, COME OUT, COME OUT, WHERE EVER YOU ARE!!

Or a good headshrinker (not Freud)?

Or a maths genius who can work out the winning lottery numbers for next week?

Fuck knows where they are, all I know is THEY’RE NOT ON MY OUIJA BOARD.

So who did I end up talking to out of ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE IN DEAD PEOPLE WORLD?

Little Emily, that’s who. She started fucking about with the glass before I’d placed all the letters out.

D

centre

O

centre

T

centre

T

centre

Y

centre

I

centre

T

centre

S

centre

E

centre

M

centre

I

centre

L

centre

Y

centre

and then she moaned for 40 minutes because she couldn’t find an apostrophe (I lost it one night after a conversation with Barbara Taylor Bradford).

While she was moaning about the missing apostrophe, I was puzzling over WHY she was talking to me through the Ouija board. She only lives up the road, the lazy cow, she could have walked down to see me like she always did before she turned into a TRAITOR and went off with that zombie dog-fuck, Kumblant.  I knew she wasn’t ill again, and I knew she wasn’t dead (well, no more dead than she already is) because Branwell would have told me, so it wasn’t that she was UNABLE to come to my house to talk to me – obviously she didn’t WANT to. So why was she hijacking my Ouija board?

I slapped my hand on the arse of the glass to stop her apostrophe whinge.

WHY ARE YOU HIJACKING MY OUIJA BOARD? I asked.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU.

COME AND SEE ME TOMORROW AFTERNOON. 

WILL I BE WELCOME IN YOUR HOUSE?

NOT REALLY BUT TONIGHT I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO ISNT YOU.

EXPECT ME AT THREE OCLOCK.

ALL RIGHT. FUCK OFF NOW. 

AS YOU WISH. GOODNIGHT DOTTY MY DEAR FRIEND.

DEAR FRIEND? 

But she had gone. AND it was too late to start talking to anyone else so I put the Ouija board away, had a few Cumberland sausages for my supper, went for a wee and a wash, brushed my teeth and went to bed.

 

 

She’ll be here in just over an hour and I don’t know what she wants. I spent the morning trying to stay calm but after I’d had my dinner (Cumberland sausage sandwiches so the smell will linger and she’ll realise what she’s been missing) I had a little panic attack, then another, then another, then another, then another, then another. And I can feel another one coming on now so I’m going to crush up a packet of beta-blockers and stir them into a glass of laudanum then hopefully I’ll be able to cope with her when she arrives.

I’ll let you know what happens.

 

 

Leave a comment

27 Comments

  1. The dead slebs are all on Twitter. You’re using the wrong social medium.

    Reply
    • Dear poet,

      I don’t understand the point of Twitter. I joined it when I joined Facebook (I don’t understand the point of that either), had one look and thought WHY? I’ll stick to my Ouija board.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. I used a Ouija board once … okay I’m lying I never have ;-)

    How did it go?

    Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,

    Unfortunately all the interesting people are off exploring other galaxies or having tea over at Lord Byron’s place. It’s too bad you couldn’t have spoken to someone from Cumbria who could have shared your love of sausages.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  4. Dorothy

     /  August 17, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I used a Oujia board once and it scared the shit out of me when the pointer started scraping across the board. I can”t use it now. My daughter says it invites bad spirits into the house. I don’t believe in bad spirits but if it shuts her up then I won’t bother. Besides if I start writing after meditating then I can converse with the dead if I want to but I have to really meditate and be relaxed. My house is hopping with ghosts anyway, if only they could clean for me I’d have it made.
    I hope your visit goes well. I should send you some of my happy pills, they calm you right down to the point a herd of elephants could run on you and you wouldn’t care, never mind Little Emily. I’ll think some happy thoughts for you though.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      I need some of those happy pills. Lots of them. And then lots more.

      If things work out with little Emily I’m going to make the bitch CLEAN AND CLEAN AND CLEAN. She owes me.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Dead people do not have your best interests in mind. But then again, neither do most living people.

    Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    What time is it there? It’s only 10 in the morning here. Has she been by yet? I’m dying to know what is up with her and her attitude.
    Love,
    Maggie

    Reply
  7. Visitors affect me like that too. Why do people insist on coming to your house? It’s like going to an event on a boat. There’s no escape… And, they just want to sit and talk, and sit, and talk… and I end up walking around the yard with a glass of wine pulling weeds out of the garden just to cope, and the visitors think I’m weird but they still come. And they want to eat so I have to feed them… what happened to bringing something nice for the host?… and clean up after them… and have another glass of wine and a lie down when they eventually leave. Give the ouija board a miss, it’s just another tool, like phones, mail, for people to tell you their own BS.

    Reply
  8. Oujia boards are BAD! Well I think he original ones are. You’re brave (or stupid) just kidding :) Have you ever tried a ghost box? Those are pretty cool! Can’t wait to hear more about Emily.

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,

    May I suggest, my friend, that you try asking for a particular dead person to speak with you? You might just get a response. And if you don’t get that person, you might at least avoid some who want in, but you don’t want, by just talking to the person and not waiting for an answer. As a last resort, I guess.

    Love you, my friend!

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I’ll have to do that. I didn’t want to be too pushy and ask for someone who might not want to speak to me.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,
    Emily is a Ouija board HACKER!!!
    ha ha ha !!!!!!
    That is Hee-larious!!!
    (lazy cow)Emily, that is.
    Love, Lis
    xoxoox

    Reply

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