If I Didn’t Have People Phobia I Could Have Run Outside And Kicked His Head In

 

I had a big whiney day yesterday – feeling sorry for myself because everything was so LOUD I couldn’t concentrate enough to do a post. I gave my fridge a good kick in the side because it sounded like the River Aire, the River Wharfe, and the River Calder having a FIGHT, and also because I couldn’t kick the FUCKER across the road who was cutting his grass with a STRIMMER. And the reason I couldn’t kick the fucker across the road who was cutting his grass with a STRIMMER is because I’M TOO MENTAL TO GO OUTSIDE. If I could have gone outside I’d have run across the road with a big bottle of water, run into his house, unplugged the strimmer, run outside, kicked him in the bollocks, then POURED MY BIG BOTTLE OF WATER OVER HIS FUCKING NASTY BUZZY STRIMMER. So I had to have my windows and doors closed ON A HOT SUNNY DAY and that’s not good for all the obvious reasons but it’s also not good because when you have HERMITITIS the only way you’re able to have a bit of the HOT SUNNY DAY is to fling open all your doors and windows to let the HOT SUNNY DAY come inside.

 

 

Is it any wonder I have PEOPLE PHOBIA when EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS A JUDGEMENTAL ARSEWIPE? I tend to write about the HERMITITIS more than the PEOPLE PHOBIA – why? I don’t know, probably because I’ve successfully got rid off most of the people I used to know so I don’t have enough people left in my life to write about.

PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE.

Say it out loud.

What does it sound like?

It sounds like PEEPHOLE.

PEOPLE – PEEPHOLE, PEOPLE – PEEPHOLE.

And why does PEOPLE sound like PEEPHOLE?

Because that’s exactly what people try to do to each other, they use love and friendship and trust to drill PEEPHOLES into each other’s lives to SPY on what you’ve done, what you’re doing, what you INTEND to do, what you’re saying, who you’re saying it about, who you’re saying it TO, who you’ve shagged, who you’re shagging, who you’ll shag next – they want to know EVERYTHING, all your secrets, all the gory details.

I SPY WITH MY FERRETY EYES.  

And why do they do want to know all this? They want to know it all so they can sit as JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER and find you to be LESS THAN THEY ARE, so they can prove to themselves and the people they GOSSIP TO that they are  RICHER, MORE INTELLIGENT, NICER LOOKING, FINER HUMAN BEINGS than you, so they can keep fooling themselves that they are better than you, so they can keep justifying to themselves the fact that deep down they are all, every single one of them, PRETENDING THEIR WAY THROUGH LIFE.

JUDGEMENTAL – there’s a clue in the word.

And if you SEE THROUGH all this and recognise human beings for what they REALLY ARE, and what they WANT and the lengths they’ll go to to get it, and if your mind can’t cope with all the SHITE of human interaction because you can see THE TRUTH OF WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT AND WHAT MOTIVATIONS LIE BEHIND THE INTERACTIONS, and if you’re unable to play the game any more because you know it’s all a BIG DISHONEST PILE OF SHITE you’re labelled as being PEOPLE PHOBIC and MENTAL.

In a comment he made the other day on the Dotty Talking Therapy post, MEL said it’s about HONESTY. And I’ve thought and thought and thought about what he wrote while I couldn’t do anything else because of the NOISE, and the more I think about it the more I know he’s 100% right both within the context he said it and also in the context of this post. I’m not clever enough to go into all the theories behind what causes PEOPLE PHOBIA – is it a physical blip in the brain? Is it the bastard child of CHRONIC DEPRESSION? Is it one or more of all the theories proposed by EXPERT BOFFINS? Or is it merely a RECOGNITION of a disheartening, clarifying existential truth?

EXISTENTIAL TRUTH????????  - fucking hell it’s only quarter to eleven, I’m going to make my breakfast before my brain erupts. Cumberland sausage sandwiches. AND I’M GOING TO CHOP A TOMATO TO PUT ON THE TOP.

 

 

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44 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    I am not a Peoplephobe, but I am a Noisophobe. I get panicky about sounds that other people cannot even detect!

    Last night I was woken up at 3am by loud party music. I thought it was my neighbours, but my neighbours were on nightshift at Stanstead, so it can’t have been them. I didn’t go to find out who it was because I wouldn’t know whose arse to kick and I didn’t want SPIDERS crawling up my bare legs as I crossed the green to find the culprit. I went back to sleep eventually.

    Only to be woken at 7.50 THIS MORNING by some shitey council person MOWING THE GREEN!! WHO DOES THAT AT 7.50AM ON A MONDAY?????? I would have gone to kick him in the balls, but I was still drunk/stoned/fluffy from last night’s Absinthe, so I wobbled downstairs to moan at Mister Tribble instead. AND HE COULDN’T HEAR THE SODDING LAWNMOWER!!!

    Love, Missus Tribble xxx

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      It’s not good, is it? Actually, it’s scary a lot of the time. I’m having to try and retrain my brain into recognising all sounds again but it’s not working too well so far. And they won’t give me a hearing aid to mask the tinnitus and help me with conversations because it would only make the noises WORSE.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I know what you mean. Even though I am partially deaf, sounds echo loudly inside my head because I’m autistic. D has to warn me about the simplest things – drilling, sawing, can crushing etc. – before he does them otherwise I melt down into a hysterical, quivering mess because I can’t cope with the sudden loudness.

        This weekend’s Discworld Convention is going to be bright, colourful, crowded and noisy. Without D and some of my best friends there I would lose it completely and/or spend most of my time hiding in the hotel swimming pool.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I hope the Convention goes well and you manage to cope with the noise. If you see Terry, sing another song with him – and another for me. ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        Terry will be around. I hope he’ll join us with the singing! If he doesn’t then Steven Briggs (who is lovely) might!

        I hope everyone will get the Jelly Baby/Djelibeybi reference when I dress as a femme Four :D

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I love your boots. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        I think these are the sexiest boots I have ever had the pleasure of falling over in.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,
        :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. Hey dotty. Not all of us are Peephole’s, but I do know where you are coming from. Maybe when chopping the tomato, you think of it as Mr Arsewipe’s head and pierce the sausage as something you would want to do ti his dick to shut him up and make him bugger off ;-)

    Reply
    • Dear Mondrak,

      I do that anyway. I need a house in the middle of nowhere, then I think I might be able to GO OUTSIDE. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Definitely understand the people phobia thing!

    Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,

    I don’t think it’s possible to put it better than you just have. I’ve not commented before (because I’m just a Nobody Phobe!), but I think your blog’s just about the best thing in the universe. And with that, I’ll shut up and go hide.

    Lots of phobey love,
    JC

    Reply
    • Dear JC,

      Thank you very much. Because we all get it, I think I could be friends with People Phobic Hermits if that isn’t too much of an oxymoron – hard to see how it would work though —

      “You come to my house,”
      “No, you come to mine!”
      “No, you come here!” ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Yes, exactly! Likewise, I’d wondered how it might work, and it’s oxymoronic indeed – it seems like the people I’m most likely to trust not to be peepholes will be hiding to avoid me while I hide to avoid them, and so the circle continues… :D

        I remain ever-grateful for the Internet for that exact reason though!

        Love, JC

      • Dear JC,

        Me too – and also, hiding in the internet is much less painful than diving behind the couch when there’s a knock at the door or the phone rings. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        It is indeed – I’ve had many a crushed brain from clinical reactive couch-diving!

        Love, JC

      • Dear JC,

        How many brains do you have? ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        I’ve exceeded my overdraft limit on brains now, that’s for sure… :D

        Love, JC

      • Dear JC,
        :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dear Dotty,

    I can understand People Phobia. It’s because people suck and they’re scary and unsafe. And outside is alien and unknown and strange things can happen. At home, all is safe and familiar and good. And if there are Cumberland sausages, even better.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      You’ve got the people bit right, but 2 out of 3 of the outside bits wrong – it’s exactly the opposite to alien and unknown – we know it TOO well, we know what can and WILL happen, we know what to expect. If there were no people in the world I wouldn’t have People Phobia – and I wouldn’t ahve Hermititis either.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Okay, I’m with you now. Interesting—my own people/agoraphobia was about not being able to prepare for what MIGHT happen. In any case, if I lived closer to you I would have been pleased to kicked in the head of the guy with the strimmer for you.

      • Dear Mme Weebles,

        Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

        Love Dotty xxx

  6. But… I am a people…
    What the heck is a strimmer? Is that what you call weed-whackers? That is just so adorable…

    Reply
    • Dear pmao,

      I’ve never heard of a weed-whacker, but it probably is the same thing – it’s to strim the edges of your lawn where the mower can’t get to, up against a wall or a fence. But the twat over the road used his for his FULL FRONT GARDEN.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. peepholes– you are fucking brilliant and 100 percent dead on correct…feckers all of them

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    I think maybe it’s a little of each of the reasons you state, but I think we who are slightly mental are more likely to recognize dishonesty in others because we have had to learn to be honest with ourselves. Or maybe I’m full of shit. Who knows?

    Love you, my friend,

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      That’s just it though – most of the time I don’t recognise it until it’s too late and I’ve been duped again.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Peepholes will be peepholes… and because of that, I’ve discovered if I don’t give a rat’s then they can do whatever they want and it doesn’t affect me. The great part about it is, it annoys the sh!t out of peepholes when you don’t give a rat’s… Noisy bastards however, are another story. Strimmers, weed whackers etc should be banned from built up areas – there’s not enough grass to justify their noisiness :)

    Reply
    • Dear Ella,

      I agree, let them do whatever they want – but they should mind their own business and leave me alone while they’re doing it. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,
    I don’t know what to say apart from we have noisy neighbours and I feel as angry as you do when they’re up all night laughing and joking and playing their loud, banging, monotonous, droning music. I can’t imagine how you must feel with the noise coming at you from all directions. I wouldn’t unplug his strimmer if it was me. you know what I’m saying?
    Love from Christine. xx

    Reply
    • Dear Christine,

      On two separate nights last week the neighbours through the wall started hoovering at 11.30 pm and 11.00pm. And you wouldn’t believe what the middle-aged neighbours on the other side get up to – I can hear everything when they have their bathroom window open. I wonder if they’d keep their voices (and other noises) down if they knew I have super distance hearing and can hear EVERYTHING VERY LOUDLY. They make me feel sick.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        Yuk! Filthy sods. Tell them to shut their windows. Some people are so strange with what they get up to. Hoovering? Flipping heck! Haven’t they got anything better to do at that time of the day? You should swap houses and have them live next to each other and see how they like it! I feel for you Dotty. Love Christine.xxx

      • Dear Chris,

        I wish I could move, but I can’t. :-(

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty, :(
        Love from Chris xxx

  11. Kat

     /  August 21, 2012

    I so agree with you about people. Nosey buggers want to know everything so they can gossip and they think they are so much better. I wrote about the same subject in my blog today, in different words. Kat

    Reply
  12. You need a BB Gun. Then you could ping strimmers without having to leave the comfort of your own parlor.

    Reply
  13. Hang in there! We got your back

    Reply

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