Dotty The Sagey Wise Woman – Wise Words Of Wisdom – Part 1, A Few Idioms For Idiots

 

I know everything there is to know about KNOWING NOTHING AT ALL which qualifies me to dispense as many wise words of wisdom as I feel like dispensing to educate the people who think they know everything about EVERYTHING.

I’ll begin with some well known idioms.

 

 

A fool and his money is a good friend to have.

 

A leopard can’t change his socks.

 

Every cloud has a bigger cloud following it.

 

A picture paints a thousand NOTHINGS because pictures can’t paint, you twat.

 

An apple a day keeps the dentist busy because eating so much natural sugar will ROT YOUR TEETH.

 

If the shoe fits, find the other one – one shoe is USELESS unless you only have one foot.

 

Don’t put all your eggs in your mouth at once. You’ll choke.

 

Out of sight, out of sight.

 

Blood is thicker than Absinthe, but it doesn’t taste as nice even when you combine the two to make a cocktail.

 

Too many cooks have undeclared dirty diseases. NEVER EAT ANYTHING YOU HAVEN’T COOKED YOURSELF.

 

A bird in the hand is worth ME PUNCHING YOU IN THE NECK. DON’T TOUCH THE LITTLE BIRDIES, YOU’LL SCARE THEM.

 

 

 

Feel free to add your own.

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Yesterday I had a tomato with my breakfast Cumberland sausage sandwich. Today I had another tomato with my breakfast Cumberland sausage sandwich. I might have one again tomorrow and see where all this healthy eating takes me. Fuck, I might end up eating FRUIT in a few months time if I carry on like this.

 

 

 

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49 Comments

  1. LMAO! I love the, idioms :-D I might use some of them myself.

    Here’s one I saw the other day: “An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough”

    “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?”

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,

    Tomatoes are fruit, and the only fruit I will eat – because I don’t have a sweet tooth and therefore do not like fruit. Give me Brussels Sprouts and mashed swede (the vegetable, not an *actual* Swede) any day of the week.

    I may have to try blood with my Absinthe next time… unless it’s going to make me sleepwalk like it did last night! On the other hand, sleepwalking is very entertaining to my husband, who gets to tell me about all the stupid pratty things I did while he thought I was awake.

    Love, Missus Tribble xx

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      Don’t tell anyone but I love proper turnips, the little white ones. And butternut squash, and sweet potatoes. And parsnips.

      I don’t think I’ve ever sleep-walked, but I have sleep-strangled. My dead husband, ex-Simon, used to tell me when I did it but I don’t think he found it entertaining. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I love turnip too! And butternut squash, sweet potatoes, radish, beetroot, all the green things you can think of and parsnips. I just love my veggies! You really do need to try Nasturtium seed pods (and leaves, stalks and petals) because they are delish! I’ve pickled my seed pods to make “faux capers” but almost ate them all before I could get it done!

        I sleepwalk quite often; D will find me downstairs and I won’t remember even getting out of bed. He’s witnessed me on the internet typing IN MY SLEEP. I once woke up and found myself standing over my son’s cot, which was freaky.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        Can you grow Nasturtium indoors?

        I know someone who used to have night terrors when he was a little boy. It was awful, he’d act like he was wide awake, eyes open, talking – but he wasn’t -he was absolutely petrified of whatever he was dreaming about. He used to sleepwalk too.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        You can grow Nasturtiums indoors, outdoors, in tubs, in window boxes… pretty much everywhere.

        That poor kid. I hope he grew out of it.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I’ll get some seeds. :-)

        He did. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  3. Harking back to your previous post… “what annoys an oyster most? a noisy noise annoys an oyster most”…

    Reply
    • Dear Ella,

      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      I hadn’t heard that one. I can’t get past the second ‘annoys’ – it just comes out as ‘annoys a noise a noise a noise’ :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Dotty, I applaud you, never were truer words spoken. Which is true because you wrote them instead of spekaing them.

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    Too late, my friend. In the good old USA, tomatoes are fruit, and for school lunches, ketchup is a vegetable. Can you believe it — I knew you could!

    I love your idioms — I think I’ll put this post on my home page for a while to stay current. After all, in the good old USA, we have LOTS of idiots, many of them clergy and politicians. This way I won’t have to ask you.

    A stitch in time save a big-ass hole in your pants.
    My mom used to say, Red at night, Sailor’s delight, Red in the morning, Sailors take warning. I would change the last to “too much fucking around and drinking the night before!”

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Well yes, they ARE fruit but they’re not FRUITY FRUIT so they don’t count as fruit.

      Love the stitch in time!! :-)

      True fact — I use the shepherd version to check the weather – ‘Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning’. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Okay. I woke up determined to maintain a grizzly mood and you have officially thwarted my efforts. Thanks for forcing me into a state of glee.

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,

    From the words of Dottyism. Buddha will be jealous.

    John

    Reply
  8. You left out; It is better to give than to recieve, especially advice…

    Reply
  9. Build a man a fire and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

    Reply
  10. Dear Ms. Headbanger,

    People who live in glass houses should keep their fucking clothes on.

    Regards,

    S.

    Reply
  11. Dear Ms. Headbanger,

    A bird in hand is worth two in the bush unless those birds are particularly well hung.
    Forgive me. I’m feeling a bit vulgar today.

    Regards,

    S.

    Reply
  12. Charity begins at home. (that doesn’t mean it begins and ends just at your home you tight fisted bastard. Would it hurt you to buy one can of beans for the woman working for the food bank.)

    Reply
    • Dear wwt,

      Yes it would hurt me to buy a tin of beans for the woman working for the food bank because she WORKS FOR THE FOOD BANK! She probably goes home every night with five tins of beans and a packet of custard creams in her bag.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  13. Dear Dotty, I always get mine mixed up. I say to kill one bird with two stones. That way those seagulls after your chips in Looe will know to stay away from me. Especially if I’ve ‘got out the wrong side of my bed’ (If I did that I would hit my head on the wall). I love your idioms. (Not a euphemism Dotty)
    Love from Christine xx

    Reply
  14. Two wrongs made David Cameron.

    Reply
  15. You’ve buttered your bread now you have to lie in it.

    Reply
  16. Pineapples don’t have sleeves.

    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/04/20/nyregion/21pineapple-document.html

    I learned the leopard one from Sir Pratchett with shorts instead of spots.

    My love for flafp,
    Tiny

    Reply

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