Dotty Is Being Beaten And Eaten By The Demon And I Don’t Know What To Do

 

I can’t think today. I couldn’t think yesterday either because Manglebrain is doing his demonic thing. He’s chewing my frontal lobes and all I can hear are slurps and smacks and chomps and crunches. He has NO MANNERS. I’ve tried giving him PROPER Cumberland sausages, not the fake Linda ones, but it isn’t working, he prefers brain.

He wants to make a pact with me but I won’t listen, and I also won’t read what he’s written which is difficult because he’s scrawled ALL OVER EVERYTHING in my house, he’s even written something in the dust on the screen of my laptop (this laptop) and I’ll have to DUST IT OFF with my little pink laptop duster that I can’t find because I haven’t used it for ages.

I’m tired. He keeps me awake most nights, whispering his shite - 

 

MANGLEBRAIN REX, CALUMNIATOR, CRIMINATORE, ACCUSER, SCOURGE, NOISOME BREATH OF ASTAROTH, WIND OF CHANGE AM I.

I AM CENTRE, I AM CIRCUMFERENCE, SWIFT IN MOTION WITHOUT FEET.

I EAT.

I EAT.

 

and all sorts of complete bollocks like that, on and on and on.  

I don’t know what to do.

 

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85 Comments

  1. stuff I said

     /  September 4, 2012

    Dear Dottie,
    Sending lots of hugs!

    Reply
  2. Get him drunk. Stick him with a large gin and tonic and when his back is turned, write him out of existence! :-)

    Reply
  3. Let him have a little brain, I’m sure you’ve got enough to spare. Maybe you could let him eat the bits which you want to get rid of.

    Reply
  4. You need a priest!

    Reply
  5. Dear Ms. Headbanger,

    I shall be there post-haste. I believe I have the correct address this time.

    -S

    Reply
    • Dear Mr Silva,

      What can you do? What can ANYONE do? I’m DOOMED.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Ms. Headbanger,

        What can I do? The dreadly forces of the hein cower before me. I’ve never faced Manglebrain, but I’ve faced his ilk. Faced and won. I realize your reluctance to let me into your home. I can work from my own domicile, but I need your blessing.

        -S

      • Dear Mr Silva,

        Thank you, but things are quiet at the moment. If (when) Manglebrain starts his shenanigans again, I’ll let you know.

        Love Dotty xxx

  6. Dear Dotty,

    Try making him watch Doctor Who with you. He might settle down.

    Love, Missus Tribble xxx

    Reply
  7. I suggest performing a full banishing ritual or getting some really good cleaners. Trouble is, decent cleaners don’t come cheap and the price of frankincense has rocketed after the recent unrest in the Middle East. Perhaps you should charge for your advice and purchase one or both?
    Love and regards
    D xx

    Reply
    • Dear Dave,

      I advertised for a cleaner not so long ago but no one applied.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Do you live in an inaccessible area perhaps, or are there no people about?

        I’d offer to help but am somewhat physically fucked with a rare condition – looking on the bright side the illness has got a great name…

        How’s that for a cliffhanging ending to a reply?

        I remain, madam, fucked but enthusiastic

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        No, I advertised on here for an OCD person who needed more of a challenge.

        Sorry you’re physically fucked – I’m mentally fucked, it’s ALL fucking fucked up, isn’t it?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I can see how everything can be seen to be fucked, but I’m a die-hard optimist so wouldn’t accept it even when it’s obvious. If you hadn’t said anything about yourself, you would appear fine to me.

        I don’t know enough about OCD to evaluate whether your advert was a good idea or otherwise – how big was the target audience?

        I’ve been diagnosed with a rare incurable condition called Palindromic Arthritis (funny name for a nasty illness) It’s like rheumatoid arthritis but comes and goes (hence name) It causes inflammation of any synovial joint and flares up and goes away in about 2 days. At first I thought someone had a voodoo doll and was doing nasty things to it :)
        Imagine telling an unsympathetic hard-faced Atos health care professional that :) The nurse I saw hadn’t heard of the condition, told me it was something else, then when I’d convinced her it was kosher, told me not to refer to joints like the wrist as the carpal joint because ‘she wasn’t that kind of nurse’ :)
        Sadly I never asked her what kind she was – I’m sure you could think of a few words…

        I remain in chronic pain madam and continue to be your stimulated but (non-cleaning) servant

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        I don’t understand optimism.

        The target audience was as big as the amount of followers I had on this blog at the time. :-)

        Oh, that sounds nasty. Atos are HENCHMEN for Adolf Cameron and his scummy, scammy NAZIS.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Optimism is a state of false consciousness protecting against feeling depressed and giving up. Also it’s a nice word :)
        Yep, Atos are all that and less :)
        This arthritis is strange but worse things happen at sea – splash!
        I remain wet all over, but strangely optimistic…

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        I’d like to believe in optimism, it sounds nice and shiny. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Belief’s a risky business though – optimism’s more a practical process for me – also it rubs off on others, then they shine :)

        I remain your shiny servant etc.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        “…also it rubs off on others, then they shine” – or they punch you. ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Fruit punch?

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Yes.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Clink clink :)

        Morning matey xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Morning, m’dear. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  8. Noisy, unrelenting, an effective insight into night noise. authentic.

    Reply
  9. I want to give you a hug….but while I’m there I’ll secretly and gently squeeze your body like a tube of toothpaste and pop that demon out your mouth…then quickly tell him to piss off. Then give you another hug. Are you going to be OK? <3

    Reply
  10. I thought you had him just where you wanted him…

    Reply
  11. prewitt1970

     /  September 4, 2012

    A big cup of tea, a long walk around the room, my demon that came back from Texas with me has decided to nest itself in my neck and vigorously try to pull my shoulder bones out through my eye sockets, not so fun. Good luck. Xo, Benjamin.

    Reply
  12. You might try fumigating him. I once had smoked herring in my refrigerator for a couple of days, and it made my whole house smell so bad that I didn’t want to be there anymore. Perhaps you should switch from Cumberland sausages to smoked herring for a few days? It might chase him away.

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty I just read that you’re teetotal. I like cumberland sausages myself though, they are lovely aren’t they!

    Reply
  14. Gday Dotty,

    I hear DEMONS hate affection, have you tried kissing it?

    If not, kick the DEMON in the short and curlies.

    John

    Reply
  15. Have you tried feeding it unloved relatives or neighbours? Or you could try calling your local MP (although, if things are similar in Britain to Canada in this regard, the brain quality and mass will be very low) and having him/her drop by as (I mean for!) a snack?

    Sending you best wishes whatever happens!

    Reply
    • Dear Jack,

      I’ve tried to send him out into the world with a set of directions to certain people’s houses, but he won’t leave, and I can’t invite anyone to my house because I have PEOPLE PHOBIA, so I think I’m stuck with him. :-(

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  16. What will he eat when he is done with your brain?

    Reply
  17. Out, demons, Out! xxx (nb – the Edgar Broughton Band if like me you couldn’t quite remember who sang this chant, to great effect, some time ago)

    Reply
  18. Trying repeating his demonic words to him backwards [like a reverse Beatles' lyric]. Then say “what is done can be undone, highest good no harm be done, in love and light”…

    Reply
  19. Dear Dotty,

    Would Manglebrain be satisfied with other brains? Maybe salespeople who smack gum and say no problem instead of you’re welcome. Maybe some of the millions of shitty drivers who seem to think they are alone on the highway. Or something like that.

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  20. Dear Dotty,
    I’m so sorry I haven’t been around to support you in your times of trouble. I hope you can escape his clutches soon. Think of England Dotty. Lie back and think of England. That’s what I’d do.
    Love Christine
    xx

    Reply
  21. Is it a good thing we all click “Like”? Does that mean we like that you are being attacked? Do we like that you are still able to post? hmmmmm

    Reply
  22. Dorothy

     /  September 7, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    The fact that I thought this was the slightest bit funny was was not because your being attacked by some brain sucking manglebrain it was that it if you didn’t have such a magnificent and creative brain he wouldn’t be after your frontal lobe nor heading for the hippocampus next. This is the price you pay for being such a wonder with the wit, a creative genius with the post, and caring galore for your fellow readers. Truly magnificent specimen of a human. Manglebrain is simply doing what manglebrains do, mangling brains!
    You have a huge brain…plenty to spare!! LOL (Meant with love, don’t you know!)
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
  23. Dear Dotty,

    I really should have a) read this sooner and b) posted you a bottle of holy water. My sincere apologies for being so poor at keeping up with the outside world. Xx

    Reply

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