Ariel Washing Machine Tablets, I Love You, You Are Beautiful

 

Have you ever been suddenly stricken and over-awed by a thing that is TOO beautiful? A flower, a picture of the Universe, a book, a painting – something so intricate with colour and detail you almost can’t bear to look at it but do you DO look at it, you stare and stare and stare at it, out of time, out of reality, you want to EAT it, gobble it up, stuff yourself with it but you can only take so much, it’s like trying to wolf down three bars of the richest, silkiest chocolate, it’s TOO rich, you want to eat it all, you NEED to eat it all, but you can’t.

I didn’t eat my Ariel Washing Machine Tablets, I was just trying to give you an idea of what happened when I took them out of the packet to put in the washing machine this morning – I’ve never seen them looking so lovely, so perfectly formed, so FINE, with the little blue bits SHINING OUT OF THE WHITE like sapphires in snow – the blue bits glistened when I held one up to the light, mesmerising, like all the love in the world packed into a little tablet-shaped glory, a tiny universe of soap. I don’t know how they made something so beautiful out of POWDERS. I didn’t put them in the washing machine drawer, I couldn’t destroy them, the thought of them breaking into millions of pieces made me cry so I thought ‘What to do, what to do, I don’t want to be a MINGER,‘ so I squirted a bit of Fairy Washing Up Liquid in the washing machine drawer instead and added extra Lenor Conditioner (with Febreeze) so my clothes won’t smell like plates.

 

 

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42 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    You are waxing lyrical this morning. That’s nice. It will inspire me to look at my Domestos bottle and toilet brush in a whole new light. Thanks for opening my eyes :-)

    Love from Banana Anne
    xxx

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    Having your clothes smell like plates would be gross…
    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
  3. Ooohhh you’re gonna have a bubble explosion using washing up liquid you plonker!

    Reply
  4. Dearest Dotty

    My plates do not smell of anything – I guess you’re using too much Fairy.

    I remain, madam, your longer-lasting domestic servant with the hands of an 18-year old (hopefully he doesn’t want them back yet ’cause I’m typing with them)

    D xx

    Reply
    • Dear Dave,

      I do use a bit too much, I like the lemon one, I’m not too keen on the mild green. And I like the bubbles. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dearest Dotty

        I blame the adverts – they show lots of bubbles as if that’s what cleans the dishes and plates.

        I don’t much like washing up although I do it – but I really, really like the bubbles from the kid’s bubble makers with the huge plastic rings. You can make massive 5 foot long sausage-shaped monsters that fly over next door’s fence and frighten the grumpy fucker who lives there.

        I remain, madam, your monster-zillion-bubble-making servant.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        I don’t like washing up either. I don’t like any housework.

        I want a bubble maker!! — one that makes STRONG bubbles, strong enough to fit next door’s cats inside them so they’ll float away and shit all over someone else’s garden.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty

        Now we’re talking. According to the article below, size isn’t a problem:

        http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5971580/Bubble-maker-aims-for-giant-record.html

        “Being a bubbleologist is almost as much about being a wind catcher as it is a bubble maker. You become quite sensitive to changes in direction and you have to move at the right time to keep the bubble together.”
        In November 2007, Mr Heath put 50 people inside one of his creations. A year later he earned the award for putting the most bubbles inside a bubble, at 66.
        The world champion says it’s all about making the right consistency of mix. All he uses are some bits of rope, So I’m suggesting you hang some sardines from a washing line, wait for the wind to blow and POFFFF – any number of cats become airborne and fly away to shit elsewhere.
        You could even use some of the excess Fairy Liquid we discussed previously.

        I am extremely glad to remain, madam, your technologically-savvy servant

        D xx

        PS This set-up shouild also work for unwanted guests, annoying family members, door-to-door salespeople and healthcare professionals.

      • Dear Dave,

        Next door’s cats won’t fall for sardines on the washing line. They’re too sly and too clever. But I’m going to have a go at converting the cannon I’ve built into the brickwork where my front door used to be into a bubble cannon. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty

        Make bubbles not war! Or both at once and cut out the cat shite!

        It’s reassuring to know these shores are fully protected should we be threatened by invasion by cats or other furry mammals.However, I would advise you to build hefty underground storage tanks for the liquid needed to power this battery as it’s rumoured cats have more than the normal number of lives.

        Madam, I am hugely relieved to remain your humble servant, comfortable in the knowledge that mice can safely graze again in this once-great nation.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        I’ll adapt the air raid shelter I built under my kitchen for the tanks. What liquid do I need to power the battery? Will Robinson’s Summer Fruits do (undiluted, naturally)?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty

        I fear something was lost in the translation. By ‘battery’ I meant the bubble canon and its related equipment rather than an arrangement of voltaic cells. I apologise unreservedly for this unintentional ambiguity. Intentional ambiguity is, of course, another matter entirely, for where would we be without it?
        Glad we’ve sorted that out.
        Personally I find Robinson’s Summer Fruits squash a little too sugary and I think it unlikely to make good strong cat-carrying bubbles. Fairy washing-up liquid however makes great bubbles but tastes rather soapy. Perhaps a mixture of the two would work? I’ll perform some field trials immediately and let you have my findings by carrier pigeon ASAP.

        I remain, dearest Dotty, your ballistically-minded servant

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Ah, I see. My cannon isn’t a battery though, it’s just a cannon that I might adapt for bubbles but if I adapt it for bubbles I won’t be able to knock holes in the stomachs of any and all of THE UNINVITED who knock at my door. Hmm. I need to think of another bubble battery. Something with chickens?

        I don’t like dilute pop either, it’s nasty, but it’ll do for the cats. I don’t care if they prefer Barley Water, they’ll get what they’re given.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty

        I had some Jehovah’s Witnesses ring my bell the other day – it reminded me of something some friends of mine did several years ago. There was a particularly mad party going on that had started the night before and continued until the next day. At about 10am some Jehovahs knocked the door. Rather than argue or slam the door, the person who answered said politely, “Could you hang on a moment, my partner really wants to talk about the Bible to you?”
        Then she went back into the house and got everybody to take off their clothes and all dash out of the door en masse. Then they chased the missionaries some way down the road :)

        As for pop, I too don’t like most modern music and I hate the X Factor.

        I remain, madam, your admiring servant

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Somewhere on this blog, either in a post or a comment, I wrote about what happened when the Jehovah’s Witnesses I used to live next door to tried to steal my garden (this is absolutely TRUE) – I put big Blood Donor signs on the window facing their door, and whenever Jehovah’s Witnesses I hadn’t seen before came knocking, I’d send them round next door and tell them they were Satanists that needed converting. And I set the Mormons on them. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty

        That’s my girl/woman/lady/female – I’m never sure which to say, but your my kind of person!

        The JWs a bunch of cold humourless bastards that would rather watch their own grannies bleed to death than see sense. I feel sorry for their kids ;(

        Don’t get me started on the Mormons – we used to live right near their UK headquarters and every sad little missionary would knock our door first. They’re naive and gentle youngsters normally. They told me they have to go door-knocking six and a half days a week and only have half a day to themselves. It’s a fuckin’ cult! Eventually, like you I had to resort to desperate measures and would pretend to be bit devil-worshippy until they got the message and didn’t come back; they’re scared of their own shadows luckily. Have you seen the special underwear they have?

        There’s loads of missionaries for The Church of the Latter Day Saints around Solihull – I can spot ‘em from miles away and shout from the car window “Mormons!” They usually wave back…

        Well that’s nice to know we take the same attitude to these god-botherers.

        So on that cheerful note, I’ll sign off, and remain, madam, your heathen servant.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        The JW kids next door used to have to do their Bible studies in the garden when all the other kids were playing. They both left home, and their church, when they were in their late teens and the daughter has embraced the drinking culture of today’s young and stupid. What else did the parents expect though?

        Mormons. I must say I do like the Mormons or at least I used to like the friends I had who were Mormons, I don’t know about the rest. I went to a Mormon wedding once and the reception was weird – chairs all round the edge of a massive hall and a big empty space in the middle, everyone sitting in a big circle holding cups and saucers. We left and went to the pub.

        It all interests me – not the religions themselves (though I like the ‘story’ and history of them), and not for goddy reasons either. I’m fascinated by the people who believe in it all and the faith they have (however I might regard that faith).

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dear Dotty

        We are like twins, intellectually, for I could have written exactly that. Come to think of it in the light of my posts to your other blog, perhaps we’re converging…

        With that, I remain, your possibly doppleganging servant,

        D xx

        PS I realise this reply is rather short. I was fascinated by the myths and stories as a kid and still love reading in this field. I admit to becoming slightly bored with everyday believers as I’ve met so many. Of course, people are always interesting in some way, but after reading the blogs of some of our faith-struck brethren and sisteren I see an endless repetition of stuff they know not what they speak, if I might paraphrase that chap they all talk about but can’t even use his proper name.

  5. Dear Dotty,

    I love that you see things in ways I don’t! Great post!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  6. I just wish you had included photos.

    Reply
  7. I have never wanted a laundry product more than I do right now. You should be in advertising.

    Reply
  8. I agree with pouringmyartout’s comment… I went onto Ariel’s website and their blurb
    “Ariel Tablets offers the great results you expect, with ease and convenience of use. Ariel tablets have been developed to get to work from the start of the wash. They can be used in either the drawer or the drum. If you want to put them in the drum, you should place them in the bottom, at the back with the clothes on the top.” sucks. They need you.

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    What a beautiful way to describe washing tablets. Next time, if you wrapped your crockery tightly in a towels and other sundries, you could kill two birds with one stone.
    Darren

    Reply
    • Dear Darren,

      I tried that once but my dinner plates came out as side plates and I had to give all my cups to THE BERSERKERS for their teddy bear’s picnics.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. You capture the spiritual transport perfectly. For me it occurred upon my first encounter with Finish Electrasol Powerballs, tablets that my aged little mother had purchased for use in her electric dish washing machine. These contain a combination of pre-soakers, detergent, and rinse agents which break down stubborn food stains, all of variegated colors. They are utterly beautiful tablets. Nor could I abide the thought of destroying them. During the entire duration of my visit, my mother’s plates smelled like clothes.

    Reply
  11. Dorothy

     /  September 14, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I am sitting here trying to desensitize myself to my washing machine and it has taken me an extra day to even read your blog posting because it was about a washer. Then you describe how you have tampered with the soap which will surely lead to doom and dismay…..I will be hiding in my garage now until I hear all is well. Surely, all will be well, won’t it???
    Love Dorothy

    Reply

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