Where Did Lottie Find The Fucker? Under A Bleeding Heart?

 

knock knock

knock knock

 

‘Aha,’ I thought, ‘that’s a BERSERKER knock,’ so I went to the door to play the game I like playing with them.

 

knock knock

WHO’S THERE?‘ (it was me who said that).

but instead of hearing a little voice squeaking, ‘Pothtman Pat!’ I heard a little voice squeak ‘timothy.’

‘FUCK OFF! GO AWAY!’

 

But he wouldn’t go away, he kept knocking his weak little girly knock on my back door –

knock knock …….

knock knock …….

which hurt my ears the more he did it because even though I recognised it as a quiet little knock knock which wouldn’t be loud to others (hyperacusis brain retraining!! and tinnitus brain retraining! It’s amazing what they can do nowadays) to me it still sounded louder than the KNOCK OF THOR -

KNOCK KNOCK

KNOCK KNOCK

so when I reached the point where I couldn’t stand it any more I opened the door and shouted, ‘WHAT?’

‘Hello.’

‘FUCK OFF. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

‘I’ve brought some leaflets to show you.’

‘Eh?’

‘Can I come in? I’d like to show you what they’re all about. They’re very interesting,’ he said, and I was so stunned and confused and boggly-brained that when he stepped forward I automatically stepped back without thinking - and in he came.

‘Wipe your sandals,’ I mumbled.

He went straight over to the kitchen table. He pulled out a chair as he said, ‘May I?’ and even though I didn’t say yay or nay or how’s your father, he sat down.

Then he said, ‘Come and sit with me.’

NO.’ Like fuck I was going to sit next to him – though I don’t know why I bothered standing as close to the open back door as I did, if he’d started attacking me I couldn’t have RUN OUTSIDE, could I?

‘What do you want?’ I asked.

‘A green tea, please.’

Cheeky bastard.

‘What do you WANT?‘ I repeated.

‘Well now. I came to show you these,’ and he started flapping the leaflets at me.

‘Leave them there.’ I pointed at the table. ‘You can go now.’

‘No.’

That was it –

PANIC ATTACK, PANIC ATTACK, PANIC ATTACK, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME and whatever else I screamed at him, because he came over and TOUCHED MY SHOULDERS and pulled me forward so I was bent in two and he kept saying ‘ Breathe, breathe, breathe, slow, slow,’ and as the PANIC ATTACK started to ease he said ‘You’re fine, you’re fine, it was only a panic attack,’  – and it might ONLY have been a panic attack to him but I think I changed his mind on the ‘only’ when I spewed up all over his nasty sandalled feet – ‘oo! oo! My feet! oo! oo!’ he said, and he shuffled himself out of the door and into the garden and the second he was through the door I slammed it shut and locked it and bolted it and clipped all the padlocks into place, then I ran to the window to see if he’d gone but he hadn’t, he was in my back garden standing on one nasty sandalled foot WITH THE OTHER NASTY SANDALLED FOOT RAISED AND ABOUT TO GO INTO MY FISH POND THAT ISN’T A POND IT’S HALF A WHISKEY BARREL.

‘MY FUCKING FISHES!!!!’ I screamed and I BANG-BANG-BANGED on the window but he ignored me so I ran upstairs to the spare bedroom and opened the window and he was STILL KILLING MY FISHES so I looked round for something to throw at him but I couldn’t see anything throwable, my collections in that room are PRECIOUS, but my sniper rifle was propped up against my elephant’s foot umbrella stand and I knew it was loaded because what’s the point of having a sniper rifle if it isn’t ready to use when you need it?

So I shot him. But I didn’t shoot him in the head, I shot him in the arse-cheek because the way he was balanced, one nasty sandalled foot on the ground, the other KILLING MY FISHES, his arse presented the best target. He fell over, backwards, into my creamy-flowered Potentilla. No scream, they only sound that came out of him was a weird little ‘ooooo.’ But who says ‘ooooo’ when they’ve been shot in the arse? I’ve never known anyone to say ‘ooooo’ when they’ve been shot in the arse, they usually scream blue murder  – I had one bloke (a cold-caller – energy suppliers) who wouldn’t stop screaming, ‘MURDER-MURDER-MURDER-MURDER,’ till the ambulance came and took him away.

I rang the Big Chief Inspector and told him to add timothy to my tally and to tell his 999 operators to ignore any calls from or regarding him – I didn’t want the nuisance of the Armed Dibble Unit and the megaphones again (the brain retraining hasn’t covered police megaphones yet), and nosey neighbours who want to know why they’ve been evacuated off the street. The Big Chief Inspector asked if I was okay and I said, ‘I am now,’ and he said, ‘That’s all right then. Don’t worry yourself any further, Dotty dear, I’ll sort it all out at this end. Go and have a lie down.’

So I did have a lie down. And I had a little sleep. And when I woke up and looked out of the spare bedroom window, timothy was gone and I could see down into the whiskey barrel where my two fishes were swimming around like nothing happened, and when I looked at them through my binoculars they seemed as happy as fishes can be. Bless their little golden fins.

 

 

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22 Comments

  1. prewitt1970

     /  September 19, 2012

    Nice shot, and I hope the fishes are well.

    Reply
  2. I do like a happy ending.

    Reply
  3. Glad you’re okay Dotty. A kick in the knackers and puke on the feet. Think he may have got the message?

    Reply
  4. Oh Dotty! Would you mind coming to the States and hanging around my house? I could really use your skills at sending off those annoying Amway representatives who want to convince us there is a better way to buy our household products… Yes, I rather like your approach. You might even like it here in the States – I’ll make sure we have an endless supply of Cumberland Sausages…

    Reply
  5. I guess you showed him.

    Reply
  6. See, this is why you shoot them in the head. No screaming, Not even an “ooo”.

    Reply
  7. Ooh, look at that, you came up with a solution to the timothy dilema all on your own… unless someone commented recommending you upchuck on his bare tootises & shoot him in the arse. Interesting tea time conversation at Lottie’s later… “how was your day dear?”

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty.

    For all we know, your fish might enjoy the variation to an otherwise boring diet! xxx

    Reply
  9. ps. I like to imagine your fish as piranha and Tim landing in the half-barrel hard enough to get wedged in it….

    Reply
  10. Gday Dotty

    Some tough fish you have there…

    John.

    Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,

    I would think timothy meant to be helpful, but what a stupid schmuck to grab onto a person who’s having a panic attack. What a dolt! Good for you for letting him have it! I’m proud of you!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,
    Good Shot!
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  13. I just nominated you for a brand new award…The You Make My Day Award.
    You can find the link here: http://theembiggensproject.wordpress.com/2012/09/20/the-you-make-my-day-award/

    Reply
  14. Glad you and your fishees are ok :(

    Reply
  15. How very dare he presume he can come into your home uninvited? I really hope Lottie puts him back under the rock she found him under, and quickly. Xxx

    Reply
  16. Dearest Dotty,
    Bless their golden little fins.
    hahahhaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)
    Maybe now he’ll listen.
    Love, LIs
    xoxox

    Reply
  17. Dorothy

     /  September 24, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Thank goodness you’re alright and glad to hear you shot him in the ass, nosy SOB. He had no right to try to give you anything that you didn’t ask for. Maybe next time he’ll stay home if Lottie comes a calling because I’m sure he’ll remember this visit….hahaha.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
  18. Congratulations: I just nominated you for the well deserved “Beautiful Blogger Award”, please visit my award post, if you wish to accept.

    Cheers,

    Goerge.

    Reply
  19. kzackuslheureux

     /  September 26, 2012

    Dear Dottie,
    Did you elope?
    Love Always, Alphabet

    Reply
  20. Dear Dotty,

    I’m on a Stranglers kick right now and I thought of you. Miss you and hope you’re all right!

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  21. Heya! I know this is sort of off-topic however I had to ask.

    Does building a well-established website such as yours take a lot of
    work? I am brand new to running a blog however I
    do write in my diary everyday. I’d like to start a blog so I can easily share my own experience and views online. Please let me know if you have any recommendations or tips for brand new aspiring bloggers. Thankyou!

    Reply

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