Hello, Hello, Hellooooooooo…

 

 

This is Planet Dotty calling Planet Blog. Come in, Blog! It’s me, Dotty!!!!

Does anyone remember me? How long have I been gone? A long, long, long, long time. Many moons. Many suns. Many Cumberland sausages.

Where have I been? What have I been doing? You can make your selection from the following options …

 

 

OPTIONS

1. I’ve been without internet. Wireless-less because I couldn’t afford the bill and the phone fuckers cut me off until I paid up.

 

2. My ears got so bad that I REALLY REALLY couldn’t stand the noise of my laptop so I jumped on it and jumped on it until it was properly dead and I didn’t buy a new one until my lovely, lovely Audiologist sorted me out with gadgets and gizmos that are starting to make an IMPROVEMENT.

 

3. I fell into a catatonic comma – , - which was roomier than a full stop – . – but not as spacious as a question mark – ? – .

 

4. My brain collapsed and my head fell off.

 

5. I finished my novel, got myself an agent, got myself a publisher, went on a book launch tour and subsequently made a HUGE wodge of dosh that I invested in Cumberland sausages and now I’m living the high life and never have to worry about money EVER AGAIN and I’ve come back to my blog to BRAG ABOUT IT TO Y’ALL.

 

6.  I married Branwell.

 

7. I was abducted by aliens who identified me as the most intelligent life form on Earth. They were correct.

 

8.  I’ve become SANE (and if you believe that, you’ll believe anything).

 

9. I did a little murder.

 

10.  I was trapped in my tumble dryer (again).

 

11.  The MOST HOLY AND BLESSED CHURCH OF THE MOST HOLY AND BLESSED CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE made me its POPE and now I’m responsible for the spiritual and sausagal guidance of MILLIONS of people.

 

12.  I’ve become an animal lover and opened up my home to abandoned and homeless furry fucks.

 

13.  I’ve been learning to play Eine Kleine Nachtmusik with my forehead.

 

14. I’ve been helping with the BABY who has come to live with me, (don’t worry, he’s not mine – his mum lives here too but more about that later).

 

15. One of the above.

 

16.  Some of the above.

 

17. All of the above.

 

18.  None of the above.

 

 

Answers on a postcard, please.

 

 

 

 

 

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79 Comments

  1. Welcome back! Or are you a ghost?

    Reply
    • Dear Chris,

      I did my reply to you wrong. It’s in a little box of its own. I need to brush up on bloggy stuff.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. welcome back! funnily enough weegee and I were talking about you on friday!

    Reply
  3. Dear Chris,

    Thank you! I’ve missed you. I don’t think I’m a ghost – hang on a minute and I’ll punch someone and see if they feel it ——

    Nope, I’m not a ghost.

    Love Dotty xxx

    Reply
  4. Welcome back Dotty. I’ve missed you. I did send you a couple of messages but they probably got lost somewhere. I think it’s got to be number 7 or number 11 or both ;-)

    Glad you’re okay, I was worried about you

    Reply
    • Dear Alastair,

      Thank you. I’ve missed you too. What’s number 7 or 11? I haven’t been on the email yet, I think it might have blown up or something there are so many post notifications to trawl through. Months and months worth.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • The reason why you haven’t been here :-)

        Either abducted by Aliens or made pope. Or maybe abducted by papal aliens

    • Dear Alastair,

      Duh. All these months and I’m still as thick as ever.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Le Clown

     /  June 3, 2013

    Dotty,
    My next “Monthly Email to Dotty” installment just became obsolete with this blog post. Shame on you.
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      Hello. :-)
      Emails? I’ve just told Alastair I haven’t been in the emails yet. I daren’t.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Le Clown

         /  June 3, 2013

        Dotty,
        Le Clown sent you one email per month. He enjoys soliloquizing, he didn’t expect a response.
        Le Clown

  6. Welcome back Dotty…good to see you.

    Reply
  7. Good to see you back on your intrawebs home! Now I can eat sausages again, safe in the knowledge that you were not killed and made into sausages that I may have inadvertently consumed.

    Reply
    • Dear cat,

      Thank you. :-) There is a slight possibility that you may have eaten the tip of my left hand little finger when it came off in the mincer, but the rest of me is intact so no worries there.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    Only last week I left you a little message to say I missed you and now here you are! My blogging life is complete again, and now I can defrost all the Cumberland sausages that I’ve been saving up to eat while reading your lovely blog!

    Love,

    Missus Tribble xxx

    Reply
  9. Numbers, shnumbers… oh, you’re back :)

    Reply
  10. Welcome back, Dotty!

    Obviously you were abducted by aliens – but if number 4 ever happens can you post it as a video blog!!!
    :)

    Reply
  11. Welcome back, Your Holiness! What name did you choose?

    Reply
  12. Dotty Dotty Dotty Dotty Dotty!!!!! I’m so glad you’re back!!!! I was just talking about you with sacha1nch1/theseedsaidso/whatever hisnameis, we were saying how much we missed you.

    I hope you married Branwell—I always wanted you two crazy kids to get together. That way you can be Pope and Pope Consort of the Sausage Church, and live at that wonderful animal sanctuary.

    Love,
    Madame Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you. :-) I missed you too.

      All these people talking about me!!! I thought everyone would have forgotten me – ‘Dotty, Dotty, who the fuck is Dotty? ‘ I’m back now though, you’ll soon be sick of me again. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • Manchego Queso is my real name, and I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

      Reply
      • So that means your name is Cheese Cheese.

      • Well technically Manchego is a type of cheese rather than a direct translation of cheese, but yes, my name is Cheese Cheese, Cheese Cheese Cheese in fact; no worse than Major Major Major surely?

      • True. I can’t remember, was his full name Major Major Major Major? I seem to recall 4 but I can’t be sure.

      • Major Major Major was his name, the fourth…or the first…was added when he was promoted…from Captain……I have yet to find an institution containing the rank ‘Cheese’.

      • Right, that’s what threw me, the promotion. I’m sure we can find you some sort of organization in which you can be the Big Cheese du Fromage.

      • Just so long as it doesn’t involve cheese…can’t stand the fucking stuff.

  13. Whatever the reason, it’s nice to have you back. I missed you.

    Reply
  14. Dotty! Welcome back! I was literally about to do a post titled “the vagaries of the internet, or, where is Dotty Headbanger?” and request everyone who followed me who also followed you to reblog it until you got the point that we were missing you.

    It’s been far too long. I hope the cumberland sausage supply has been adequate for you.

    I’m not sure which option I like the most of your list, although no. 17 has appeal.

    Faith xx

    Reply
    • Dear fhc,

      Thank you. :-) I just looked at my last post and it’s been 8 months since I was last online. Time flies!!! The Cumberland sausage supply has been sporadic, unfortunately – and sometimes I’ve been multi-tasking so much I’ve FORGOTTEN TO COOK THEM.

      No.17 is correct.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. Young lady you’ve had me soooooo worried
    You just made my Monday the best EVER.
    I pick some of the above. Kinda figured the drier monster trapped you again and branwell
    Had to fight that demon, or maybe the Gardner locked you in the tower and you had to save your sausages to make a rope long enough to climb out, but kept eating them instead. My heart is happy to hear your voice.
    So happy.
    Benjamin.
    Ps: I’m still here amazing.right oh and I came to the UK for a bit I looked all over for you but there was no sign that said dottys house this way :(

    Reply
    • Dear Benjamin,

      Thank you. :-) Yep, all of that happened too. I’m bald now.

      You were here? In my little country? Whereabouts?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • Dear Benjamin,

      If you’d travelled North you’d have found me. I’m sorry you had to deal with all those Southerners.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Ha I heard that a lot from the folk in Derbyshire met some friends from up north there.
        B. xx

  16. Oh, Dear Dotty, I did miss you ever, ever so much!!! Peace, Blessings, and Cumberland sausages! So happy you’ve not gone sane in the least! Welcome back <3
    Jessika

    Reply
    • Dear Jessika,

      Thank you. :-) I tried to go sane and thought for a while that I might have succeeded, but nope, don’t worry, my mental came back again and now I’m back to normal. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  17. I missed you… I am going with the alien abduction… with no probing… because I published my sci-fi novel and I have been doing a lot of alien stuff. Glad you are back, you nut job you.

    Reply
  18. Dear Dotty,
    You’re back!!!! I’m so happy!! I think you have been stuck in the tumble dryer with Branwell.
    Love, Maggie

    Reply
  19. Dear, dear Dotty,

    I thought of you just yesterday, while I was checking the “Blogs I follow” list. And here you are! I am so happy to have you back, and as Dotty as you ever were. I love you, my friend — welcome back to the funny farm! 8-) ❤❤

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Thank you. :-) It’s good to be back. I’ve missed everything and everyone. 8-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I missed you — I wasn’t sure if you just decided to quit, or what. You’ve missed a little excitement in my life — I fell and broke my left femur right at the hip joint, and I was in rehab for a month. Healed quickly, feeling good now. Welcome home, honey!

    • Dear Judith,

      It was a mixture of circumstances that kept me away – I would have come online if I’d been able, but I couldn’t.

      OUCH!!! And OUCH!!! again. I’m glad it’s healed okay though.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  20. Welcome back Dotty!

    Reply
  21. We’ve never forgotten you, and your name cropped out regularly in chats with others. I was in The North for New Year, I kept an eye out for you but never saw you, so I am opting for the tumble dryer excuse. That’s the only place I never looked.

    Reply
    • Dear Joe,

      Aw, thank you. It’s nice to know I wasn’t forgotten like some old tramp missing from the end of the street where she usually sits with her Morrison’s trolley and her little scabby dog but now she isn’t there and yet NOBODY knows she isn’t there because they’ve forgotten her. :-)

      So that was you with your head in my washing machine on New Year’s Day??? Six inches to the left and you’d have found me!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I would never forget a tramp! I love a hobo.

        I’m sorry I missed you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses either so would never have spotted you. Were you doing a darks or whites wash?

    • Dear Joe,

      Dark. That explains it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  22. Dear Dotty,

    How lovely to see you back. The depressed moose and I were wondering where you’d gotten to the other day and now we know. (I think it was all of the above apart from the going sane one)

    Love, WeeGee xoxo

    Reply
  23. so you’ve been busy I see…

    Reply
  24. 5, 7 and 9….

    Welcome back Dotty :)

    Reply
  25. Dnim Detrevortni

     /  June 6, 2013

    Dearest Dotty,
    Welcome back. (It took me several tries to complete this welcome message but I’ve managed to finally click to post.)
    Love,
    Dnim

    Reply
    • Dear Dnim,

      Thank you. :-) You’re back too! You went away and your little fishes went away – didn’t you? Am I remembering correctly? Am I wrong? Was it all a dream?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dnim Detrevortni

         /  June 8, 2013

        Dearest Dotty,

        Yes, that is true, I also went away for awhile but necessity has brought me back. Seems the fish in the shallows have all gone to deeper waters (more finicky then ever) so there is where I’m trying to get my fill once again.
        Glad to hear you do remember. It was not a dream at all, or was it?

        Love,
        Dnim

    • Dear Dnim,

      Welcome back to you, too.

      I had two little golden fishes in my whiskey barrel pond. They died this winter. They were six years old. I buried them in the compost bin.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dnim Detrevortni

         /  June 11, 2013

        Dearest Dotty,

        Thank you!

        Not a bad ending for a couple of dead little fish. What a better way to make the most of decaying matter. I’m sure they will become nourishment for many plants.

        Love,
        Dnim

  26. So, I’m welcoming you back two months later. Because, you know, I’ve been mostly incognito, too. I’m glad to see you back!

    Reply

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