This is Planet Dotty calling Planet Blog. Come in, Blog! It’s me, Dotty!!!!
Does anyone remember me? How long have I been gone? A long, long, long, long time. Many moons. Many suns. Many Cumberland sausages.
Where have I been? What have I been doing? You can make your selection from the following options …
1. I’ve been without internet. Wireless-less because I couldn’t afford the bill and the phone fuckers cut me off until I paid up.
2. My ears got so bad that I REALLY REALLY couldn’t stand the noise of my laptop so I jumped on it and jumped on it until it was properly dead and I didn’t buy a new one until my lovely, lovely Audiologist sorted me out with gadgets and gizmos that are starting to make an IMPROVEMENT.
3. I fell into a catatonic comma – , – which was roomier than a full stop – . – but not as spacious as a question mark – ? – .
4. My brain collapsed and my head fell off.
5. I finished my novel, got myself an agent, got myself a publisher, went on a book launch tour and subsequently made a HUGE wodge of dosh that I invested in Cumberland sausages and now I’m living the high life and never have to worry about money EVER AGAIN and I’ve come back to my blog to BRAG ABOUT IT TO Y’ALL.
6. I married Branwell.
7. I was abducted by aliens who identified me as the most intelligent life form on Earth. They were correct.
8. I’ve become SANE (and if you believe that, you’ll believe anything).
9. I did a little murder.
10. I was trapped in my tumble dryer (again).
11. The MOST HOLY AND BLESSED CHURCH OF THE MOST HOLY AND BLESSED CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE made me its POPE and now I’m responsible for the spiritual and sausagal guidance of MILLIONS of people.
12. I’ve become an animal lover and opened up my home to abandoned and homeless furry fucks.
13. I’ve been learning to play Eine Kleine Nachtmusik with my forehead.
14. I’ve been helping with the BABY who has come to live with me, (don’t worry, he’s not mine – his mum lives here too but more about that later).
15. One of the above.
16. Some of the above.
17. All of the above.
18. None of the above.
Answers on a postcard, please.