Letter Of Introduction

 

Dear Bloggy People,

My name is Dotty Headbanger. Things are wrong with me (I’M MENTAL AND MY LITTLE FINGER IS BENT) and the state of this blog is proof of it in case you don’t believe me. It’s a tip, like my desk – which is not an office desk in an office, it’s a kitchen table with three corners, (the fourth was knocked off during a fist-fight with my fridge). My desk is in the spare room but I can’t go in there any more. There are reasons why but I’m not telling you what they are.

Some of what I write will be true, some of it won’t but don’t bother asking ME because I don’t know up from down, left from right, arse from tit. If you’re really nosey and want to find the truth it’s probably hiding somewhere between the lines with the flock of crows that live there.

Thank you.

Lots of love,

Dotty xxx

 

P.S.  All things on this blog are written by me and are copyrighted to ME. Please don’t take or share my stuff without permission. If you steal anything I’ll set my starving pack of velociraptors on you.

P.P.S. I have an email address. It’s dottyheadbanger AT gmail.com. You can use it if you want to send me money or if you’ve fallen deeply in love with me and don’t want other bloggy people to know.

P.P.P.S. I have a Facebook too, but don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.

 

Leave a comment

79 Comments

  1. Hmm… fisticuffs in the kitchen and crows between the lines…
    I like. Yeah, I’ll keep reading…

    Reply
  2. dnim detrevortni

     /  January 18, 2012

    I believe by now you might have noticed your site stats and wondered “what’s going on”, “who’s nibbling on my blog?”. Sorry, I’ve been savoring some of your posts, couldn’t have only one. You might compare my delight from your posts with your enjoyment of Cumberland sausages. :)

    Reply
    • Dear Dnim,
      Thank you for having a nibble on my blog. I hope it tastes as nice as my Cumberland sausages. But if it doesn’t, please don’t spit it out all over the floor – blogs can leave a stubborn stain on the carpet and this is not my house cleaning month.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Hey Dotty, (sung to the adams family tune) You are delightful and you’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, a real housekeeping doozie, you’re the She-Hermit dee-vine (notes trialing off as i realize the utter nonsense of my little ditty, but know it comes from love…really…it does…not kidding…. Thanks for dropping by the blog. Next time i’ll make tea!

    Reply
    • Dear dasouthern,
      The Addams family? How rude! I have nothing to do with that family – I stopped speaking to them months ago when Morticia stole my pink feather boa.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Love your sense of humor! You sound delightful. Thanks for subscribing.

    Reply
  5. Excuse me if I’m a little late here, but thanks so much for following my blog “Word Play – A Place For Pleasurable Procrastination”. I’m looking forward to checking out your blog as well. :-)

    Reply
  6. I know I never comment on your blog, but I wanted to take just a minute to tell you how much I *love* it! Your sense of humor never ceases to amuse me! :)

    Reply
  7. Dearest Dotty,
    Many thanks for visiting my site and deciding to travel along. So lovely to meet up with another mental with a bent little finger!

    Reply
    • Dear Sandy Sue,
      Hello. Which hand is your bent finger on? Mine’s on the right. It got trapped in a door when I was 1 year old.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Gasp! Mine is on the right, too! Though I broke it when a drunk driver hit my car and tried to make me fly out the windshield. Silly sot!

      • Dear Sandy Sue,
        Wow, this is like Little Finger Twilight Zone. Is yours bent at the tip or further down?
        Love Dotty xxx

  8. My Dearest,

    Please do me the honor of crossing the pond for an official visit to the attic. You’ll have to get past Heather though. Clever girl that you are, I’m sure you can give her the slip. Oh, bring her a proper English hat! That will distract her. We could run away together, lilies in a field… outside memories.

    Uncle
    xoxo

    Reply
    • Dear Uncle,
      I would if I could but I can’t because I can’t go out. Which is why I can’t run away. And if could run away I would have done so a long time ago. But I can’t run away because I can’t go out of the house. I do so want to run away though. Can you think of a way for us to do it? I want to be a lily in a field with you.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Dearest Dotty,

    I understand you want to run away. And very most readily why you can’t run away. I can’t run away anyway. Perhaps Little Emily can broker a deal with Heather? Until then, I’ll meet you in a field of lilies, in dreams of running away.

    Uncle
    xoxo

    Reply
    • Dear Uncle,
      My dear dead Daddy wanted to name me Lilian after his grandmother but meine Mami refused and named me Dothilda instead. Little Emily isn’t fond of Heather, the only deal she would be happy to make is one in which she punches Heather in the head and lays her out for an hour or two. Would that suffice?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Dearest, Dotty,

    Good for Little Emily! I knew that’s why she got around so easily on her way to the attic. Heather still doesn’t know she’s here. If she sees her before tea, I hope Little Emily does knock her out!

    Cheers,

    Uncle
    xoxo
    PS-My Bio-daddy wanted me to be a 2nd. My Real-ma wouldn’t let him. I have her maiden last name for my middle name for which I’m named.

    Reply
    • Dear Uncle,
      Ask little Emily about the isolated spot on the moors that we keep for — ahem — well, I’ll let her tell you. If you ever want Heather GONE, let us know.
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. Can you tell little Emily we’re running out of milk, she’ll have to call into the shop on her way back. And she might as well get me 40 cigarettes while she’s there to save her going out again later. Thank you.

      Reply
  11. Dearest, Dotty,

    Of course.

    Cheers,
    Uncle
    xoxo

    Reply
  12. Dearest Dotty,

    I am thrilled to hear that our (I hope I may say) mutual friend, Little Emily, has made it home safely. Our short visit was memorable.

    http://theuncleintheattic.com/2012/03/02/uncle-has-company-or-little-emily-dresses-for-tea/

    Heather knows of the visit, and has been breaking the good china downtairs all morning.

    I forgot to mention That I DID, indeed, let Little Emily know that she should stop by the shop for milk and 40 cigarettes.

    Uncle

    Reply
    • Dear Uncle,
      She brought the cigarettes back but she dropped the bottle of milk out of the balloon to see if she could hear a scream.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  13. Can I just say I have only been here about a MINUTE and I think I love you? Sorry for being so forward, but I REALLY like your style!

    Reply
    • Dear ranton,
      Thank you. And I like your style too. And you’re a nurse – I haven’t got a nurse in my collection of Americans. Would you like to be in my collection? The link is somewhere at the top.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I think I have added myself just now! You are GREAT and I am a huge anglophile! Happy to make your acquaintance!

      • Dear ranton,
        No, that was Dotty’s Pet Blogs which is a page for all you, my chickadees. The other page is Dotty’s Collected Americans or something like that.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Oh got ya! Thanks a bunch. I had to pimp you out on my blog and my FB page-I know so many who will LOVE you!

      • Dear ranton,
        Ooh, you’ve turned me into a STRUMPET! HA!
        Look for the big sparkly button and you’ll find where you need to go.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Done. Yes you are officially a strumpet. I like sparkly buttons! Thanks!

  14. OH MY STARS AND ASSES!!!!!! this is amazingly HilARiOUs.. oh oh oh I can’t breathe, oh but i can still type what gives?…… oh i think i popped a sternum…….. oh oh wait, i’ll be fine…

    Much love and loofahs,
    Adurna

    Reply
    • Dear Adurna,

      Hello, welcome, sit down and have a little rest.

      I don’t like loofahs, they’re too scratchy. I like the balled up balls of nylon stuff, a bit like washing up sponges but they’re for people instead.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. Your exuberance and sense of commitment to your entertainingly insane lifestyle is not only as refreshing as being slapped across by face with a cold cod but as inspiring as. . .as. . . as all get out. A pint or two for you should we meet!

    Reply
  16. Yep, ditto the first comment. I’m intrigued. I’m going to read more after eating my toasted sardine sandwich with mayonaise.

    Reply
  17. Here’s another American for your collection…I think I might be 225 or something…I just snorted loudly while reading this and woke up the household…such funny stuff–but why is that fucking doll staring at me? You are wonderful…

    Reply
    • Dear Jennifer,
      Thank you. If you want to be in my Collected Americans you’ll have to go to Dotty’s Collected Americans or whatever I called it and tell me where you’ll fit. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. I’m sorry about Jemima, she won’t let me get rid of her.

      Reply
  18. Ooh, a She-Hermit! Can you feel this Urban-Hermit’s aroused fascination? I’ll be stalking you… remotely of course! :D

    Reply
    • Dear Izaak,
      Hello, Mr Hermit! How long have you had Hermititis? Is it accompanied by People Phobia?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • “Is it accompanied by People Phobia?” Try comprised completely of People Phobia! I actually dream, every day, of wonderful trips out into this wonderful world. Until, that is, I visualise all the “peepul” it’s crawling with! :shock: :D

      • Dear Izaak,
        People with EYES.
        Love Dotty xxx

  19. Mine is on my right hand, too. Worked in a textile mill one summer and was putting an aluminum spool into a metal frame when the frame door slammed down suddenly. The company doc said, “It ain’t broke.” So it’s the only time I never broke a bone.

    Thanks for liking The Bone Pickers. Can you guess what it’s a metaphor five? I don’t know, what’s a meta for? I’ll peruse your work. Want squiggles and happy faces, or my reactions?

    skip

    Reply
    • Dear skipmars,

      I am wholly and completely a work in progress and I welcome any reactions. I’m a Northerner, I can take it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. I worked in 2 textile mills. I hated going home with the fine, fine bits of wool that lived in the air all over me. My lungs are probably filled with enough to make a scarf.

      Reply
      • See, I’m always gratified with a “like” or whatever, but the why is certainly more instructive — especially if something is not liked.

      • Dear skipmars,

        In a previous incarnation when I was writing seriously I was a harsh but very fair proof reader & critiquer of novels and short stories but this blog is a way of getting back to writing after a major, major block that lasted years and I’m just having a laugh with it. I’m too brain-fugged and mental to think about anything more but if I like something of yours it’s because I like it, it speaks to me (and isn’t that what’s important, even if you, the author, doesn’t know what the reader is reading into it?) it’s not just a token click of a button. I’m more about the feel of a poem right now than picking it to bits (pun intended) – I just looked again at The Bone-Pickers and my first instinct is a personal one, how people can destroy other people deliberately and cruelly which leads me to think it might also be about organised religion or love or … see, I don’t know, I can’t think straight because I’m mental (it’s in the title of my blog). I’ll try to be more articulate if I come across something of yours I don’t like.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I suppose interpretations of literature are, indeed, personal, and strike a chord in a variety of ways and in a variety of places. I wrote this after the death of my mother, at the gathering of my siblings at her and my dad’s house (he had already died). They had not designated their things in their wills, but had left that chore to us.

        The reason I asked for comments is that I experienced a lot of “that’s great!” and “love it!” without knowing why that was. I suppose I’ve grown a little suspicious as a result.

        Oh, and I go by Skip to friends.

      • Dear Skip,

        See, now you say what you intended to convey with the poem it’s obvious that’s what it’s about, but part of the allure of a well-crafted poem is the mystery and the fact that the author has given the poem to the reader to make of it what he will.

        I do understand the need for proper criticism, I used to be the same and I expect I will be again at some point. I’ve put some of my own poems up just because they’re the only things apart from this blog that I’ve written for years, but apart from one or two they’re more of the bash-it-out and post it type of poems – too much editing and I’m battering the delete button to get rid of it.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I know. The Bone Pickers was a must write. This poem-a-day exercise has me on the ropes, most days. But I’m looking at the downhill slope of my life, and want to squeeze a little water out of this rock. When I write what I like, I have no idea what’s going to result. Fun and entertaining are a couple of goals. Weird, maybe — but not for the sake of.

        Anyway, I look forward to future chats.

        And, again, thanks for your comments.

      • Dear Skip,
        Me too. And you’re very welcome. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  20. Hello Dotty,

    Just wanted to say thanks for following my blog, which has lead to me making my way here to your blog, which I am going to follow because I find it quiet interesting. I must ask though, what makes you say that you are crazy? Is it just because other people told you that you are? People tell me I am crazy all the time, but I don’t think I believe them. Not that I am denying it. Most crazy people deny that they are. That is how you know they really are.

    Reply
    • Dear thedeadguy666,

      Hello, and thank you for coming to see me. I’m officially mental, I have 7 certificates to prove it.
      Can I ask what makes you think you’re a dead guy? The reason I ask is because it was thinking I was dead that led to me gaining 3 of my certificates for being mental. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Being The Dead Guy is more of a nickname really. I am always being accused of being various forms of dead or undead though. I have been told I am a zombie (which I take offense to, I may not be the smartest person, but I am not brain dead, although I may appear so after multiple days of sleep deprivation), vampire comes up quiet often, and my all time favorite compliment, I was once told I look like a dead whore. I have also been told that I look just like a few dead people by the people who knew them. I like to think that I look just like me, but I suppose other people are entitled to their own opinions.

        There are a few other reasons for the name too, I figure I will eventually do a post to explain it a bit for those who are curious or confused about it.

        I agree it is a funny world, I enjoy laughing at it and others seem to enjoy laughing at me, even when I don’t think I am being funny. But I don’t mind. I don’t think they are trying to be funny when I am laughing at them either. Damned goiter-less bastards.

        -The Dead Guy

      • Dear dead guy,
        And why the number of the beast on the end of your name?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • The number of the beast was added because the name without a number was already taken. Why that number instead of another? There are a few reasons:

        I am sometimes told that I am the Anti-christ. It could be true. I do plan on ruling the world one day (and only one day. Too much work to do it for much longer than that. I am a lazy bastard.) I am also evil on occasion (but never to kids or animals).

        It is also my acknowledgement of the beast within.

        Plus, in the Jewish Kabbalah, it represents the number of perfection, and while I am far from, I do strive towards it in a half-assed kind of way.

        I appreciate the shock value too, and in that sense it also has to do with theme of my blog, which is based off of a musical joke by a jazz band.

        Then there was that classic Iron Maiden song….

      • Dear deadguy,

        I like you. I don’t like jazz, it’s too clangy.

        Love Dotty xxx

  21. Love your blog, but you have so many followers you’ll probably never know. I’m coming here when I need a guaranteed laugh, and I can’t get one from my three teenage boys. Thanks for the refuge.

    Reply
    • Dear allthingsboys,
      Hello, and thank you for coming here.
      I love all my followers, you’re all part of my Collection of Followers and I love every single object in every single one of my collections which means I love you too, just as much as anyone else. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • You are sweet! I hope I didn’t offend you–was trying to be funny! Thank you so much for responding. I don’t know how you do it! I do love your blog. I know it will become my go to when I need a laugh, as well as daily glimpses. I’m so glad South Seas Muse mentioned you. Must remember to thank her!

      • Dear thingy,

        No offence taken at all but it’s nice of you to be concerned – I’m usually the one to offend people, mostly on purpose but once or twice without realising (practice enough and it comes naturally). :-)

        You’re welcome here any time.

        Love Dotty xxx

  22. *giggles*

    Reply
  23. Uh on. When I clicked on the link to your latest blog post it said “page not found” or some such thing. Anyone else having problems?

    Reply
    • Dear Robin,

      It went funny when I posted it, I had to press publish again because the little round thing just kept spinning for ages. Maybe it counted it as two posts after I pressed it the second time?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  24. bpshielsy

     /  July 12, 2012

    Dear Dotty, I know you tend not to do such things but lease take part & you’ll make my hour :)

    http://thebipolarplace1.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/tagged-by-lexi-lexington/

    Reply
  25. Dotty,
    Thank you for following my blog. I’m looking forward to following yours. Have a hopeful week! :)
    Claudia

    Reply
    • Dear Claudia,

      Hello. :-)

      You’re very welcome. Thank YOU for following the Big Blog Collection and this one. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  26. Hi Dotty – thank you for following my blog! Looking forward to following you :)

    Reply
  27. Crazy blog…think I’m going to like it in here!
    My bent little finger is on the left, I like to be different…and it bends all the way down.

    Reply
  28. Dear Dotty,

    I dearly hope you will see this:

    http://bleachedbonevalley.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/oh-bring-back-my-dotty-to-me-a-love-letter/

    All My Love,
    AZ Gringa (a fan)

    Reply

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