This is the DOTTY BOOK REVIEW page where I’ll be doing my DOTTY BOOK REVIEWS and maybe some other things to do with books. Now I have to tell you I’m a bit of an expert on books. I have a MASSIVE BOOK COLLECTION and I mean MASSIVE – I’ve actually LOST COUNT of how many books I have and me losing count of how many items I have in my collections is a rare and stressful thing (panic attack, panic attack – I WILL HAVE TO COUNT THEM TOMORROW, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE HAPPEN).
I READ my books, I don’t just HAVE THEM FOR SHOW to pretend I’m more brainy than I am like some people do. What’s the point in that, eh? I’ve never understood how some people can be in the vicinity of books and NOT HAVE THE URGE TO READ THEM. Or STEAL THEM. Or even LOOK AT THEM. Ignorant twats.
These are just a few of my favourites authors (I won’t list them downwards because I’m going to list my DOTTY BOOK REVIEWS downwards) – PAUL AUSTER (I love, love, love ALL his books), A. S. BYATT (Brilliant & Clever), JASPER FFORDE (Brilliant & Hilarious!), TONI MORRISON (Brilliant & Brilliant), MARGARET ATWOOD (another Brilliant & Clever), NICCOLO AMMANITI (Brilliant & I wish I could read Italian), PETER ACKROYD (Brilliant author, not so good when he appears on telly), LIONEL SHRIVER (Brilliant & Shocking), PETER CAREY (another Brilliant & Clever), ITAL CALVINO (Pure Brilliant), SARAH WATERS (Brilliant storyteller), and ALICE MUNRO, SUSAN HILL, HILARY MANTEL, JOPYCE CAROL OATES, BERNICE RUBENS, ROSE TREMAIN, JEANETTE WINTERSON, SEBASTIAN FAULKS, UMBERTO ECO, JIM CRACE, PATRICK McGRATH, TIBOR FISCHER, WILL SELF, CLARE MORRALL, IAN McEWAN, RUSSELL BANKS, GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ and many, many, many, many, many, many more. I also love (and have most of) STEPHEN KING and DEAN KOONTZ (where did the R go?), TERRY PRATCHETT, WALLY LAMB (that’s a stupid name - get a pen name, Wally), and loads of others - DICKENS, HARDY, ETC ETC, PROUST, DOSTOEVSKI, ETC ETC, KAFKA, BUKOWSKI, MURAKAMI —
Okay, okay, I’ll stop. I got carried away. Just let me mention CATHERINE COOKSON who many will SCORN as being the author of light women’s fiction and what I say to that is READ HER BOOKS, YOU FUCKING IGNORAMUS, AND TELL ME SHE ISN’T A BRILLIANT STORYTELLER, CHRONICLER AND HISTORIAN, although I have to say don’t go out of your way to get the later ones, she dictated them before she died – but there are LOADS of others to choose from. And last but never, ever least, my best friend, little EMILY and her sisters, CHARLOTTE and ANNE.
Right, then, here’s the list
DOTTY BOOK REVIEWS