DOTTY’S HINTS & TIPS FOR HERMITS

 

Social Anxiety makes life boring after the first couple of years or so. Learn to laugh at yourself – you might as well, no one else is there to find you funny.

Don’t waste energy wishing you could run away from home. You can’t.

Dirt on your windows can lend a cosy, wintery smudge to the view.

NEVER headbutt your judgemental relatives. They do not understand.

Outside does not look like the Wii Sports Island.

Your real head is a normal size.

People do NOT shoot needles of malice from their eyes into the back of your head when you turn away from them.

The Truman Show is not a documentary.

If an angel appears in your kitchen it is not real. Shout for the fairies that live behind the bath panel to come and kill it.

The internet cannot read your mind. Nor can the television, the DVD recorder, the Freeview, Virgin or Sky tellybox or the satellites in space.

The raging hordes of screaming marauders who run past your house twice a day will not stop to throw firebombs through your letterbox. They are going to and from nursery school.

When the woman next door puts out breadcrumbs for the birds she is not summoning her Attack Sparrows.

Other people’s eyes are not fitted with a Shrivelling Device by a malevolent entity who likes to laugh at you.

If you wake up one morning and the house across the road has moved and now stands brick to glass with your front window, it’s okay to panic.

Your George Foreman grill will not eat you.

More later, when I can be bothered.

Leave a comment

14 Comments

  1. i love your advice. Especially: “Don’t waste energy wishing you could run away from home. You can’t.”

    Reply
    • Dear Girl Loves Zombie,
      Thank you very much.
      Will you be offended if I give YOU some advice? Please don’t love a zombie, love a real boy instead – they dress better. They probably don’t smell better, but their clothes are clean.
      Lots of love,
      Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. note to self: The Truman Show is NOT a documentary…

    Reply
  3. there is nothing to fear except Fear itself…HELP ME!

    Reply
    • Dear Persephone,
      I’m trying to, dear, I’m trying to. I think your hat might be contributing to your anxiety – lose the big rose and you’ll feel much, much better.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Fantastic – my favorite: Outside does not look like the Wii Sports Island

    Reply
  5. Dotty,

    I will reorganize my DVD’s immediately, taking “The Truman Show” out of the Documentary section.

    Thank you.

    Uncle
    xoxo

    Reply
  6. Ooh, ooh, I wanna be a hermit! I’ll have it so easy, cause I’m -never- alone!

    Oh, but wait…that means I’ll be stuck inside with…everyone who is now…stuck inside me? *blinks*

    On second, third and twenty-fourth thoughts, I think i’ll stay out here and scare the neighbors still.

    KC & Co

    Reply
    • Dear KC,
      Scaring the neighbours — oh, I miss the fun of the outside. Firing peas at them from my window with my trusty pea-shooter isn’t the same. I want to make them cry again.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. Are you selective about the comments you get?

    Reply
    • Dear Daniel,
      It depends what type of comments you mean. If someone makes a comment I don’t think is appropriate I won’t post it but I’ve only had to do that once because the comment was too lewd. If you want to be horrible to me, that’s fine, I’ll be horrible back. If you want to do a scathing critique on my writing or punctuation or grammar, go ahead, I love that sort of thing. If you want to tell me you love me, get in the queue. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. Hello.

      Reply

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