First Aid For Hermits

 

Always being alone in your house can be dangerous but combine it with not speaking to other people and it becomes potentially fatal. I’ve had many accidents that could have been serious if I hadn’t known what to do at the time. To avoid death (and why NOT avoid it, you avoid everything else – why should death be any different?) here are a few First Aid basics you really do need to know. Bear in mind I’m NOT a doctor, I can only tell you what I personally do when I injure myself.

I’m presuming you have a well-stocked medicine room, if not just make note of the items in big writing and get your Shopping Person to get them for you- I can’t be bothered making a shopping list for you today.

 

Bumps and Bruises

For bangs on the head caused by banging your head on the wall fill the sink with equal amounts of ABSINTHE and WITCH HAZEL and put your head in it (be careful not to drown). This will help to bring out the bruising. If you think you might have knocked yourself out then it’s possible you might have concussion or a brain injury so go and have a little lie down for a while until the headache has gone. A big swig of Laudanum will help with the pain.

 

Nicks and Cuts

For little nicks on your fingers caused by the cheese grater, or for slightly deeper cuts from the scissors you use to separate your Cumberland sausage links, stop whining and stick a PLASTER on it. Deeper nicks and cuts, (such as when you’ve bought a cow and you’re butchering it so you can freeze some for later and you chop half your hand off instead of the cow’s head), require an antiseptic ointment of OPIUM and LARD, a BANDAGE, and a strip of plaster to stop your bandage from unravelling. Clean the wound first though with your ARSENIC DISINFECTANT OINTMENT. A big swig of Laudanum will help with the pain.

 

Trapped Nerves

For a trapped nerve in the neck caused by kneeling at your window at an angle that allows you to keep watch for white vans with spies in them without being seen by your nosey neighbours, I’m afraid you need time in TRACTION. Use a SAW to make a neck-sized hole at one end of your kitchen table. Don’t worry, it won’t affect your keep fit routine, (see The Dotty Way To Exercise ©™®), in fact you’ll be using your DIET COKE BOTTLES for this too, doubling your value for money. Tie your diet coke bottles to either end of a LEATHER STRAP (a handbag strap will do, it doesn’t matter if you only have one handbag, use it – you don’t use if for anything else, do you?) place your diet coke bottles at either side of the neck-sized hole and lie down (on your back) on the table. Carefully lift the diet coke bottles and place the leather strap across the front of your neck. Let the diet coke bottles drop off the end of the table (slowly and carefully, you might want to avoid beheading yourself). Stay in this position for 3 hours. Repeat daily for 6 weeks and the weight of the diet coke bottles will free your trapped nerve allowing your future white van vigils to be pain-free and comfortable. Big swigs of Laudanum taken hourly will help with the pain.

 

Stomach Upsets

If you haven’t yet learned how to cook your Cumberland sausages you might have a few stomach problems. First of all, always cook your Cumberland sausages for at least an hour, contrary to popular belief crispy is good, so is black. To cure stomach upsets already caused by uncooked Cumberland sausages make WORMWOOD tea (if you’re not a gardener you can use ABSINTHE but not too much because it’s a potent alcoholic drink and you don’t want to get addicted). A big swig of Laudanum will help with the pain.

 

Twisted, Sprained or Broken Arms and Legs

If you haven’t cleaned your house yet you’re at great risk of tripping over some bit of shite that shouldn’t be on your floor. This is VERY PAINFUL when you do it and as you’ve no way of knowing the severity of the injury (unless you have your own X-Ray machine which I’m saving up for) it’s best to err on the side of caution and SPLINT the limb you’ve damaged. If your stock of pre-made splints has run out and you’ve been too idle to make some more, it serves you right, you should keep up with your housework, I’ve already told you this. If you’re a new hermit and this is the first time you need a splint, what you do is you take a shelf from your bookcase (lay the books in neat piles on the floor) saw it down to fit your arm or leg and strap it on to said arm or leg. You can use anything to secure it (I’ve found knee-socks work well) as long as it’s tied tight enough for the splint to stay on. Keep the splint on for about 3 months. Big swigs of Laudanum taken hourly will help with the pain.

 

Strangling Yourself On Your Shower Curtain

It might happen that one day you’re playing with your (toy) ducks in the bath and you get a bit too involved and try to swim with them underwater but when you dive you hit your head on the bottom and can’t get up and to save yourself from drowning you grab the shower curtain but you’re so disorientated you get into a fight with it and it wraps itself round your neck and tries to strangle you and when you finally get free of it you’re left with nasty strangle contusions round your neck. And it bloody well hurts. A lot. Well sorry, there’s nothing you can do for this except take a big swig of Laudanum to help with the pain.

 

May you all remain injury-free and painless, my hermits. Be safe, be careful, and most of all be prepared.

 

 

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12 Comments

  1. Truly hysterrical! I so needed a good funny. Would you mind if I read this to my womens social group, a Red Hat chapter? I have many ladies (women of means, not cronies as some would maybe say) and this would get there blood pumping and give them ab actual pulse that could be felt.
    Full credit due “write” down to your blog address. If not that’s cook. I understand.

    Reply
    • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
      Women of means, you say? How many means? Are they loaded? Do they do CHARITY FOR SHE-HERMITS? Well, I’m very honoured that you want to read my bit of advice to your RICH friends, of course you may. Thank you.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Ms Dotty,
    Oh Gosh, I don’t know why I think everyone should know what I mean by “women of means”. In france when women reach a certian age instead of saying they are old women, crinies, elderly, etc.. the French say, “Women of Means” It means a certain age. But in sch a more reverant way.
    I am a 50 plus age women and have little in monetary means, neither do many of my friends. We are rich with friendship and sisterhood. And that seems quite enough.

    I’m very sorry that I can across with an air. I so did not mean to. :)
    grâce

    Reply
    • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
      You didn’t come across with an air at all – being British we are taught to bow down in the presence of Royalty and that’s what I did. Here, a ‘woman of means’ or anyone ‘of means’ is someone with a lot of dosh so I presumed I would be flown 1st class to the new log cabin your ladies had very kindly bought for me. But seeing as you and your ladies are as monetarily poor as I am, I don’t think that will happen any more. I’ll have to go and unpack now. ;-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • How incredibly hyserically funny! I will pass a red hat around for that log cabin Dotty bcause this crowd would greatly benifit from your beautiful sense of humor.

        In the states too typically “Of means” also would refer to being rich for most. I attend to see this changed, even it should become a one Baroness project. I love it so much and gives the women who are “aging” some what of a better thought term than old, aged, elderly,
        I believe that the belief that a woman comes into her prime in her mid 39′s have it wrong. I am much more un tune with who I am, what I want and what I do not like. Plain as can be, simple as that!
        And when I turned 50 I found the grace to say just what I feel. Never rudely or crudely, just factually what I feel. Its kind of nice.~

      • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
        I also found that I like saying exactly what I want. Except I’m ALWAYS rude and crude. I can be nice if I want something though. Like a log cabin. How big is that red hat you’re going to pass round?
        Love Dotty xxx

  3. Dearest Ms Dotty,

    I am so okay with rude and crude, just wish I was more practiced I suppose. It always comes out quite mangled when I attempt, looking instead daffy & foolsih instead.

    I dare say the Red Hat will be as big as you need. How many rooms does this log cabin need?

    Reply
    • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
      Practice swearing when no one’s around. Say all the words you’d never say. Do it for 2 minutes every day and soon your rudeness and crudeness will flow like a wild and beautiful river.

      I thought of saying a one-roomed log cabin would be fine for little old me, but it won’t, I want one with 7 bedrooms (for each day of the week) and a big kitchen and lovely American porch that runs all the way round the cabin. And a car would help, a big American 4-wheel drive. Thank you.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Deaest Ms Dotty,
    Your glorious passion for a sweet wooded cabin with enough room for guests is my command.
    Have you though colors for the decor, and for the big 4-wheeler?
    Of course we will have to have room for your private petro station and a fragrant rose garden would be so appropriate to look over while on the lovely wrap around porch. I’ll start collecting the rocking chairs that should wind around the porch too.

    This is fun, anything else your heart may desire?

    Reply
    • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
      Yes there is, thank you. I have a little COLLECTION I’d love you to be part of – my COLLECTED AMERICANS (the page is at the top somewhere). You could be my American Interior Designer. Do you fancy it? I haven’t got any American Interior Designers yet.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Dearest Dotty,
    I do fancy that quite well, I also believe you should have your own private attache’ as well. I am well rehearsed,
    I’ll be working on finding the most perfect piece of wooded property with a babbling brook running beside where we will build the cabiin.

    I;m exhausted all this planning. I think maybe sleep is in order for this Baroness. Finally, thanks to our dreaming I do beoleve that Mr Dandman has now found my eyes. They are certainly heavy where they had not been before.

    Love that through cyber space I can still chat with like minded people (you) while those in my own country are fast asleep.
    Thanks Dotty. We will pick up where we left off another time.~ I’ve really enjoyed my time~ Next time maybe lets do tea?

    Reply
    • Dear Barefoot Baroness,
      Thank you. I’ll add you to the collection, two positions – American Interior Designer and American Private Attache. Have a good sleep.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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