Do you have a problem you can’t solve? Do you need sound and sensible advice from a wise and experienced sage? Look no further, SISTER AGONY AUNTIE DOTTY will tell you what to do.
What are my qualifications, you might wonder? I’ll list them.
1. I AM VERY GOOD AT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.
2. I’ve been married so I know what men are like.
3. I’m female so I know what women are like.
4. I was young once so I know what that’s like.
5. I did a murder (my dead husband, Simon) so I understand all the emotions that lead to murder AND I WILL STOP YOU FROM KILLING HIM.
6. I have sympathy, empathy, compassionpathy, psychopathy and lots of other pathys so I know what they’re like.
7. I’m very, very mental so I know what that’s like.
8. I’m bored with this list – just believe me, I KNOW EVERYTHING.
Tell me your problem in the WRITE A LITTLE NOTE TO DOTTY box at the bottom and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Obviously if I’m not on the internet you’ll have to wait for me to come back so I’ve left a kettle, some teabags and a packet of Hobnobs for you to enjoy while you wait. There’s a box of Kleenex Balsam tissues too (they’re the posh tissues) but if you use them all you’ll have to buy some more – my name isn’t Dotty Rockerfeller, is it now? Look at the habit I’m wearing, doesn’t that give you a clue as to my financial standing – I’M POOR, I DON’T DO MONEY, I’M A NUN, YOU KNOW, AND MY HUSBAND IS A SCROOGEY TIGHTWAD so just take care with your disposable tissue consumption or I’ll have to SET THE FUCKING LEPERS on you.
REMEMBER, SISTER AGONY AUNTIE DOTTY IS HERE TO
SAVE CONVERT ROB HELP YOU AND I WILL DO MY UTMOST TO GIVE YOU CALMING BLESSINGS AND RESTFUL PEACE OF MIND.
Peace be with you as you walk the roads of life, my Little Ones, and may the LIGHT OF GOD, MY HUSBAND, shine upon you always.