Sister Agony Auntie Dotty’s Problem Page

There, there, Child, tell your Sister Agony Auntie Dotty all about it.

 

Do you have a problem you can’t solve? Do you need sound and sensible advice from a wise and experienced sage? Look no further, SISTER AGONY AUNTIE DOTTY will tell you what to do. 

 

What are my qualifications, you might wonder? I’ll list them.

 

1.  I AM VERY GOOD AT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

2.  I’ve been married so I know what men are like.

3.  I’m female so I know what women are like.

4.  I was young once so I know what that’s like.

5.  I did a murder (my dead husband, Simon) so I understand all the emotions that lead to murder AND I WILL STOP YOU FROM KILLING HIM.

6.  I have sympathy, empathy, compassionpathy, psychopathy and lots of other pathys so I know what they’re like.

7. I’m very, very mental so I know what that’s like.

8.  I’m bored with this list – just believe me, I KNOW EVERYTHING.

 

Tell me your problem in the WRITE A LITTLE NOTE TO DOTTY box at the bottom and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Obviously if I’m not on the internet you’ll have to wait for me to come back so I’ve left a kettle, some teabags and a packet of Hobnobs for you to enjoy while you wait. There’s a box of Kleenex Balsam tissues too (they’re the posh tissues) but if you use them all you’ll have to buy some more – my name isn’t Dotty Rockerfeller, is it now? Look at the habit I’m wearing, doesn’t that give you a clue as to my financial standing – I’M POOR, I DON’T DO MONEY, I’M A NUN, YOU KNOW, AND MY HUSBAND IS A SCROOGEY TIGHTWAD so just take care with your disposable tissue consumption or I’ll have to SET THE FUCKING LEPERS on you.

 

REMEMBER, SISTER AGONY AUNTIE DOTTY IS HERE TO SAVE  CONVERT ROB HELP YOU AND I WILL DO MY UTMOST TO GIVE YOU CALMING BLESSINGS AND RESTFUL PEACE OF MIND.

Peace be with you as you walk the roads of life, my Little Ones, and may the LIGHT OF GOD, MY HUSBAND, shine upon you always.

 
 

Leave a comment

51 Comments

  1. I have this blogger friend who gets me laughing so hard that I can barely breathe. What can I do?

    Reply
    • Dear Child Judith,
      DO NOT LET YOUR BLOGGER FRIEND SUFFOCATE YOU. Do not allow it. It’s against the laws of GOD, MY HUSBAND and the laws of ENGLAND, MY COUNTRY. If it happens again call the POLICE. And buy an OXYGEN MACHINE.
      Love and blessings, my child,
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • Dear Sister Agony Auntie Dotty, I would love to put up a nice big no-laughing barrier around that blog, but the good, funny words would still leak out between the bricks which enclose the author’s front door. 8-) I will get the oxygen machine, though, for if I was DEAD, I couldn’t read her blog, and oh, how sad I would be!

      • Dear Child Judith,
        If you were dead you COULD read the blog if you asked GOD, MY HUSBAND very nicely and sang him a song.
        Love and blessings, my child,
        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      • Dear Child Judith,
        P.S. He doesn’t like HYMNS. He prefers Rockabilly.
        Love and blessings, my child
        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      • God, your husband, would NOT want to hear me sing, but thanks for the suggestion!

      • Dear Child Judith,
        You could hum it.
        Love and blessings, my child
        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

  2. Persephone Jones

     /  February 20, 2012

    Dear Sister Agony,
    I would very much like to know what you would do in my place regarding my husband Hades.
    Our marriage started with him abducting me and now I am forced to live with him during the winter months (I have other responsibilities in the spring/summer which he has to allow me). I have tried to leave with the help of my mother but he comes and carries me off again. Is there really no escape? As you might have guessed he’s a bit of a control freak and I don’t want to have to try and kill him. I also think he might be my uncle. I’ve texted Jeremy Kyle but don’t know what else to do? Any advice would be gratefully received,
    regards
    Persephone

    Reply
    • Dear Child Persephone,
      Are you sure you’re in the Underworld and not in DELIVERANCE? Your family members are HEATHEN DEVIANTS and NOT REAL. If you close your eyes tightly and wish them away they will disappear and you can come and spend half the year with me in the CONVENT and the other half of the year with BEELZEBUB, THE ANGEL OF LIGHT. Live a REAL and TRUE life and GOD, MY HUSBAND shall also be GOD, YOUR HUSBAND.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  3. Persephone Jones

     /  February 23, 2012

    Dear Sister Agony,
    I’m not really sure which of the Gods you’re referring to but my family aren’t ‘normal’ like the ones in Deliverance. It’s as serious as I’ve started to suspect.
    Thanks for your help, perhaps Jeremy really can help me.
    I’ll get back to you
    regards
    Ms P

    Reply
    • Dear Child Persephone,
      When I speak of GOD, MY HUSBAND who could also be GOD, YOUR HUSBAND I refer to GOD who is THE ONE GOD and THE ONLY GOD. What is it you have begun to suspect? You can tell me, child, and I will help you more than STRANGE JEREMY ever could. I have life experience, I have a wimple, I have a habit. I do not have UGLY BOUNCERS who run to protect me. I do not swear like STRANGE JEREMY (who only swears when his UGLY BOUNCERS are very close by). I do not GET PAID FOR DOING THIS and I would never wish to profit from your misery like STRANGE JEREMY who is verily a stupid poncey bastard. Speak to me, child, and I will take away all your troubles and soothe all your cares.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  4. Persephone Jones

     /  February 23, 2012

    Dear Sister Agony
    The Gods appear to be drilling in the Block of the Damned not far from here. Are they angry with me?
    Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s going on quite frankly, there are far too many distractions in this place. I feel quite faint and must lie down…
    P……

    Reply
    • Dear Child Persephone,
      If you hear the sound of drilling could it be that you are secretly trepanning your skull for a modicum of relief? I hear the HEATHEN INFIDEL DOTTY is an aficionado of trepanning, she speaks of it as “brain music” but I myself know nothing of the practice. I shall ask her what to do about you.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  5. Hummmmm.. does your husband really exist??? Please clarify! Thanks!

    Reply
    • Dear Child anxiousiwas,
      On which level of existence do you mean? On the harsh planes of stark reality, God, my husband has become to his minions like the faintest echo of a golden King, ignored and unidolised, put out to pasture like a scabby old goat. UNTIL — the end cometh. For as the end cometh ALL do cry to God, my husband and ALL do want his forgiveness and ALL do want his blessing and ALL do receiveth.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  6. dnim detrevortni

     /  March 9, 2012

    Blessed Sister Agony,
    I have a dilemma. I cannot seem to catch delicious and plump finicky fish no matter what bait or technique I use. I’m on the verge of starvation as this has been going on for some time. I would like to get a hold on them continuously and share so that others can partake of their scrumptious meat. I have only been able to get a grip on some skinny minnows and a few plankton, but I have guests and they deserve the best! I do not want my guests to starve and would like others to come along and dine with me, but for now I am unable to provide. I do not know what to do.
    Help!
    Regards,
    Starving Dnim

    Reply
    • Dear Child Dnim,

      Your problem is my problem and also the problem of God, my husband. But He will not budge on His decision to kill all the little fishes, no matter how I plead and sob and tear at my eyeballs in my futile bid to change His mind. All He says when I broach the subject is

      THE FISH IN THE NILE WILL DIE; AND THE RIVER WILL STINK” Exodus 7:18

      But I think I may have found the solution to your problem in Matthew 4:19 —

      AND HE SAID UNTO THEM, “FOLLOW ME, AND I WILL MAKE YOU FISHERS OF MEN.”

      I interpret this utterance of God, my husband to mean you should catch MEN to serve to your guests and although cannibalism is generally regarded as a SIN, in this instance it is NOT A SIN because it has been sanctioned by the WORD of God, my husband, who is the WORD and the LIGHT and the MAKER OF ALL THINGS. I am afraid I cannot tell you how to catch MEN for your dinner, but I am certain that God, my husband will show you the way.

      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  7. I’m in trouble. I mean like REAL trouble. BUSINESS TROUBLE sort of. Can I ask Sister Agony anything, I mean A N Y T H I N G ?

    Reply
    • Dear Child Anette,
      You may ask God, my husband, and I anything you wish and we will strive to aid you in your troublesome times. But now I must attend nightly prayers, and so I ask that you leave your problem for me to find in the morning.
      Love and blessings my child,
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Thank you Sister Agony Auntie Dotty.
    Problem in short, is, I create problems not there. Yet. They will come. Just a question of when. I doubt this is good attitude for new upcoming business. I worry. I worry. I worry. Should I get new Financial Advisor? Should I serve canapés or stickfood on Grand Office Opening Day? The list goes on and on and on and I’m too exhausted to mention them all. You do not need to involve your husband in this, but if you have cat, I will accept his advise. Thanks for listening.

    Reply
    • Dear Child Anette,

      God, my husband, is involved in ALL THINGS whether or not you accept his presence, and He advises CANAPES because He believes that food on sticks is for BARBECUES and FEASTS TO BE EATEN AFTER THE HUNT.

      Worry is a gift from God, my husband, bestowed upon the sane and the sensible to enable them to evade being eaten by larger creatures. Use this gift wisely – do not waste it on trivialities like changing Financial Advisor, use it wisely and use it well for important problems in life such as the choice of party food.

      Love and blessing, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
  9. Allright allright. Tell HIM I’ll go with the stickfood then, ’cause I like what HE just said about “FEASTS TO BE EATEN AFTER THE HUNT”. Gift???? GIFT???? I will return gift ASAP! Ask HIM what address I may use. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Dear Child Anette,
      Calm down, dear, an apoplectic tantrum is bad for the soul and God, my husband, wishes your soul to be as beautiful as the day He lent it to you.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. I will chant 42 until vomiting stops.

    Reply
    • Dear Child Anette,
      Chant any number but 666. You might also say a little prayer. God, my husband, is always listening.
      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Help…
    I’m trapped inside your spellbinding blog.
    How do I get out?

    Reply
  12. Dear Sister Dotty, my cat talks to me. I wouldn’t mind so much but the subject matter is always trivial and bitchy. I still like her but I don’t know how to tell her politely can you please help.

    Reply
    • Dear Child Baghead,

      God, my husband, intended cats to live in the wild, not to be petted and pampered and taken to dwell with humans. Your cat is bitchy and trivial towards you because of the scorn she carries for you. Either let her go free, or read to her from THE BOOK OF GOD (my husband).

      Love and blessing, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • May I also suggest you stop her subscription to Closer magazine?

  13. Carr Party of Five

     /  May 5, 2012

    Perfection. No wonder you were freshly squeezed. Wait. Is it pressed? I’m a blonde American. I confuse easily:) Awesome with awesome sauce Dotty!!!*: Lis

    Reply
    • Dear Child Lisa (may I call you Lisa?)

      I do not know of what you speak. God, my husband, enjoys freshly squeezed nectar each morning and he likes his white robes to be freshly pressed, but I know of nothing else that is freshly anything – unless you speak of the freshness of ME, Sister Agony Auntie Dotty, wife of God, my husband, but still as fresh as an unblossomed flower.

      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • Carr Party of Five

         /  May 5, 2012

        Yes sister..you can*:) please pray for my poor bewildered Hillbilly American self. *twang*

      • Dear Child Lisa,

        I pray for all children of God, my husband and that includes Hillbillies who twang.

        Love and blessings, my child
        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

  14. Dear Sister Agony,
    I have a few problems.
    #1 I have a friend. I called her a SandBagger.
    It was an attempt at funnyness, but I fear it failed miserably.
    #2 Said friend won’t be writing for a while. And I’ve come to depend upon her words to make me smile everyday.
    #3 I’m drinking too much Diet coke these days. Do you think that could be causing the floaters that are floating around in my eyes?
    Signed,
    A really confused and sad American.

    Reply
    • Dear Child Lisa,

      Say a little prayer to God, my husband, and your friend will return today. In fact God, my husband, may have already guided your friend back to her rightful place in this little world of blogs. And be assured that you have caused no illwill with your attempt at funnyness.

      Regarding your habit of drinking too much Diet Coke – God, my husband, provided the world with Diet Coke therefore you can NEVER have too much of it. The floaters in your eyes are caused by THE INTERNET. They are COOKIES, implanted in your brain by the websites you visit to ensure your return to them. They can be cured by eating copious amounts of ice cream.

      Love and blessings my child,
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • Dear Sister,
        This is good news indeed!!!!
        All of it!!! ;)
        I will get to work on my penance.
        Double MInt fudge.

        Signed A Most Grateful Girl

      • Dear Child Lisa,

        God, my husband, says eat and enjoy.

        Love and blessings my child,

        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

  15. Hello, I nominated your blog for an award– More info can be found here: http://fortyteencandles.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/its-true-lightning-strikes-twice/
    Please don’t feel obligated to accept. I just wanted to pass on some appreciation for your great work.

    Reply
  16. Dear Sister/Aunt Dotty

    I don’t seem to have any problems – can you suggest some please?

    Dave xx

    Reply
    • Dear Child Dave,

      Not having any problems is a problem in itself. Think of all the misery in the world that you can’t do anything about and you’ll see that the whole world is a problem. But never fear – God, my husband, is sorting it all out.

      Love and blessings, my child
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • Dear Grownup Dotty

        I don’t wish to appear ungrateful or conceited but how do you know I cannot do anything about the misery in the world?

        Your not-so-humble servant

        Young Dave xx

      • Dear Child Young Dave,

        I know because God, my Husband, has made it that way.

        Love and blessings my child
        Sister Agony Auntie Dotty xxx

        P.S. My name is Sister Agony Auntie Dotty.

      • Dear Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

        I have no use for the ‘Husband Hypothesis’ although I know others find it reassuring :)

        However, I still remain, madam, your all-to-human servant.

        D xx

  17. Dear Sister Agony Auntie Dotty
    Please excuse my irreverent previous comment; it was no doubt because of the chutzpah of youth.
    I find myself in something of a quandary and know of no other as qualified as your good self to turn to in this difficult hour.
    My problem is this: people keep following my blog and when I check them out, I discover their likes and perspectives are completely incompatible with the things I write about. Quite a few are religious people of the Christian persuasion. As you have contacts in the Afterlife I expect you know about these things.
    So Dearest Sister Agony Auntie Dotty, my three related questions are; don’t they read before they follow, does this happen to you, and what do you advise?
    I remain, madam Sister Agony Auntie Dotty, your errant but somewhat devoted servant
    D xx

    Reply
    • Dear Child Dave,

      I forgive you.

      I will answer your three questions.

      1) Possibly not.

      2) Yes it does. But I do not mind, in fact I welcome people of all persuasions and beliefs.

      3) I advise you to go and have a look at Dotty’s new blog (click the big headstone at the top of the sidebar). If you become a follower of Dotty’s new blog I shall ask God, my husband, to keep the pesky people away from your blog.

      Love and blessings my child,
      Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

      Reply
      • Dearest Sister Agony Auntie Dotty

        Your thrice-blessed ecumenical bounty knows no bounds.

        Thank you Sister Agony Auntie Dotty for your prompt and germane advice which I will of course follow.

        I remain indebted, madam, and your even humbler servant

        D xx

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