Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Barmy Baldies

 

We’ve seen the Weirdy Beardies, now it’s the turn of the Barmy Baldies.

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This is artist PHILIP LEVINE who, when he started going bald,

decided to use his head as a canvas.

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Philip again (click on the pics to go to his website for more)

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Having a picture on your bald head is all well and good

when you can wash it off. But what about permanent pictures

like this…

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or this…

 

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or this…

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 or this…

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or this (which combines Barmy Baldy, Weirdy Beardy & GINGER)…

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or this…

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or this (MY FAVOURITE)…

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but if you’re too chicken for a tattoo and you’re no good at art,

but you REALLY REALLY REALLY want a nice decorative feature

for your big baldy head, you can’t beat a BIG TURKEY.

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Baby Jumping

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Castrillo de Murcia in Spain.

It’s a nice sunny day.

What shall we do?

I know, we’ll take our babies out for the day and lie them on mattresses in the street.

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This nice Catholic tradition of lying our babies

on mattresses in the street goes back to 1620.

It’s called El Colacho.

It’s holy. The priests are here. They love it too.

But what’s this?

OH NO!

Here comes The Devil!!

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Phew, he isn’t going to smite us!

He just wants to jump over our babies

to cleanse them of original sin.

That’s all right then.

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BOING

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BOING

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BOING

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BOING

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BOING

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BOING BOING BOING BOING BOING

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That was a lovely day out.

Now we’ll go home for tea.

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Weirdy Beardies And Mental Moustaches

 

Did you know there’s such a thing as FACIAL HAIR ART? Nope, neither did I until I saw

CHRIS’S MOUSTACHE POST  (go and look at it)

and thought ‘AHA! I bet there’s some FUCKING STUPID moustaches out there and I bet if I find some I can steal Chris’s idea for a moustache post and turn it into my Shitey Sunday Picture Post because originally I was going to do something about the Olympickles again but I couldn’t be bothered because I’M BORED OUT OF MY TINY SKULL WITH THE OLYMPICKLES.’

So I did a search. And A WHOLE NEW WORLD WAS OPENED UP TO ME. A world of WEIRDY BEARDIES and MENTAL MOUSTACHES, and even though I feel just a TEENSY bit guilty about nicking Chris’s idea, I don’t feel guilty enough NOT TO USE IT.

Brace yourself, bloggy people. Prepare to be ASTONISHED. I’m not going to make any sarcastic quips today because I don’t NEED to – THE PICTURES SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

 

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THE APPRENTICE

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THE EXPERT

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THE LEMON HOLDER

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THE BEER HOLDER

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THE CLOCK

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THE WINDMILL

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THE BRIDGE

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THE SEA CREATURE

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THE COLLECTION

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THE BIG GINGER BEARD OF SHAME

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post

 

Just one picture today. Yes I know it’s a piss poor Shitey Sunday Picture Post but it’s all you’re getting this week – and it made ME laugh. But I’m going to do a video post later so that’s a bonus. And I might even do a writing post if a miracle happens. You’ll be so sick of me by the end of today you’ll wish I’d never come back. (EVIL LAUGH GOES HERE BUT I’M NOT WRITING IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS STUPID AND I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL IT ANYWAY – MWWUUHAHA?? MUWHAHA?  MOOOOHAAHAA?)

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Help Me Choose A New Pair Of Shoes

 

I need some new shoes. I haven’t bought any for over three years (what’s the point?) but I’m sick of the ones I’ve got so I’ve decided to get some more. My problem is I didn’t realise how the fashions have changed since I contracted Hermititis and People Phobia – there are some FUCKING BEAUTIFUL shoes around and I WANT THEM ALL. But I can’t afford them all so I’ve narrowed the selection down to my absolute favourites, sensible shoes for walking the moors (when I get out of this house again), for shopping, and for general everyday wear.

Help me choose which to buy, please – trying to make a decision for myself only results in multiple panic attacks.

 

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WHEELIE SHOES

I LOVE the wheelie shoes so much I couldn’t make up my mind between these

and these.

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WHIRLY SHOES

On second thoughts I could probably make a pair of

these for myself by melting and remoulding a section

of my washing machine.

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APOCALYPSE SHOES

Since humans began to wear shoes we’ve lost  the ability to run vast distances in our bare feet.

Our feet have become SOFT and WUSSIFIED, pampered plates of tenderised meat that will be

an EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL HINDRANCE to us when the APOCALYPSE comes and shoes

no longer exist. I like these because they’ll prepare us for that time.

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SHOES WITHOUT HEELS SHOES

Hmm, perhaps not. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is.

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BALLOONY SPORTS SHOES

 Now I do like these, very much. I could BOUNCE

my way round 24 hour Tesco!!

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KILLER HEELS

A good file would sharpen the ends of these heels to a fine point

and I’d have SHOE WEAPONS.

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PLASTICINE SHOES

Nah, I can make these as long as I don’t get the strips of plasticine

mixed up in a brown lump (why does it always go BROWN?)

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MANGLED FOOT SHOES

??????

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and some more MANGLED FOOT SHOES

Would I have to have my toes chopped off to be

able to walk in these? I NEED my toes.

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SATYR SHOES

My favourites. I don’t need to explain why, they’re

FUCKING LOVELY.

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MAGGOTY SHOES

 Comfortable and cushiony.

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FOOD SHOES

No, you can’t eat it, silly. Not that you’d want to,

they’ve been a bit mean with the gravy.

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Mmm, tasty.

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Where’s the custard?

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So now you see my problem – they’re all so GORGEOUS.

And they’d all suit me.

Which ones should I get?

 

 

Shitey Sunday Picture Post – This Is Very Funny If I Do Say So Myself And You Should Look At It And Laugh And Laugh And Laugh

 

I know it’s Saturday, not Sunday, but tomorrow I’ll be watching the Final so I’m doing the Shitey Sunday post today instead. It’s about ANDY MURRAY. Have you heard of him?

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THIS IS ANDY A SPLIT SECOND BEFORE HE SWALLOWED A TENNIS BALL 

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CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, ANDY! CLOSE IT!

DON’T LET IT IN!

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GULP!

GULP!

NO, IT’S STUCK.

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AND THEN IT WENT DOWN A BIT – BUT IT GOT STUCK

IN HIS THROAT AND HE HAD TO  SPEND AN HOUR

COMMUNICATING WITH THE COSMOS

TO GET IT TO SLIDE ALL THE WAY DOWN

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IT’S A MIRACLE!

THE UNIVERSE ANSWERED HIS PLEAS

AND MADE THE TENNIS BALL PLUMMET STRAIGHT

THROUGH HIS BODY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HIS CROTCH

AND HE WAS ABLE TO PLAY AGAIN!

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ABRACADABRA!

ALAKAZAM!

HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT???

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“FUCK OFF, I’M NOT TELLING YOU HOW I DID IT!

STOP ASKING ME!

YES, TWAT, I DO HAVE A SPHINCTER.

YOU’RE MENTAL, THE LOT OF YOU.

FUCK OFF AND LET ME CONCENTRATE ON MY GAME

OR I’LL PLAY LIKE SHITE AND THEN I’LL TAKE MY BAT HOME

AND YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF.”

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GOOD LUCK, ANDY!

WE LOVE YOU!

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Andy Again

After last night’s BRILLIANT match, here’s Andy Murray again. Just one picture this time, and a link to the

Shitey Sunday Picture Post he starred in a few weeks ago when I got him ready for Wimbledon.

Here’s the link  — ANDY MURRAY  —-

and here’s the picture –

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Slimey D. Scameron, The Sea Pig Prime Minister

Slimey D. Scameron is one of the most hated

Prime Ministers Britain has ever known.

This is the story of his life.

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BABY SLIMEY

Slimey D. Scameron was neglected from a very early age.

Left out in the cold in all weathers, not a bonnet to  keep his

tentacles warm, he knew that life would always be a

terrible struggle for him.

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SCHOOLBOY SCAMERON

Waiting for his dinner in the dining hall of his boarding school,

Slimey D. Scameron dreaded the bullying taunts of his classmates.

Every single miserable day, when his dinner arrived and he started

to tuck in to the lovely grub, the name-calling began –

‘Scameron sea-pig the soup-sucker!’

Fat Scameron the sausage snaffler!

‘Gluttony hoggy food-pig!

and every single miserable day he left the dining hall in tears .

Poor Slimey D. Scameron.

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SCAMERON THE STUDENT

Ignored and despised by scholars and professors,

Slimey D. Scameron spent his student years alone.

No wild, druggy parties for Slimey D. Scameron! No floozies!

No flights of fancy! No fun!

Just loneliness and misery and a longing for the day

when he could shoot them all.

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PRIME MINISTER SCAMERON

He didn’t shoot the college up! Slimey D. Scameron found a better

way to get his own back on EVERYONE.

He became the PRIME MINISTER.

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SLIMEY D. SCAMERON WITH THE QUEEN

 And this is Slimey D. Scameron today,

walking companion of The Queen,

SUCCESSFUL and UNTOUCHABLE.

But at night, in bed, he still cries and cries

and sobs and sobs because with all his status

and power PEOPLE STILL CALL HIM NAMES.

Poor, poor Slimey D. Scameron.

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A Song Sung To Dotty On Her Mammy’s Knee, Ally Bally Bee

I’m posting this because I don’t have a post for today – I’ve been doing something else. And I’m behind with visiting blogs again, so I’M VERY VERY SORRY.

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Opheliama (An Idyll)

Don’t worry, Kumblant didn’t drown.

And after I told him the baby llamas weren’t to be used to make a sandwich

for his Cumberland sausage, he was fine about them being there and he left

them alone until the photo had been taken.

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Venus Has A Little Trot Across The Sun

 

This is your last chance to see Venus dawdling across the Sun. We’ll all be dead the next time she comes by.

 

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Jubilee, Jubilee, Jubilee

 

For the Jubilee I’ve made a Photoshop picture, the second one I’ve ever made, and the first one I’ve done without any help. It’s crap but I like it and Kumblant loves it – he got to wear the diamonds. And he was allowed to eat the corgis when we’d finished.

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Llamas And Their Hairstyles

 

This Shitey Sunday Picture Post is all about LLAMAS AND THEIR HAIRSTYLES. Llama hair is a big money-raking part of the animal beauty industry along with pig plastic surgery (liposuction, tummy tucks, nose jobs), nail care for birds of prey (French polishing is very popular at the moment), and skincare for elephants and other dry animals, (Note: Non of the products are tested on humans. They swear they’re not).

 

 

THE OXFORD FLOP

for the young, educated llama who knows about

lonely clouds and daffodils.

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THE POM-POM

for that special occasion

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THE BUFFALO

I AM a buffalo. I AM.

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THE CATWALK

London. Paris. Milan. New York.

(Please can I have a biscuit? Please? Just one?)

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THE DISCO BOFF

Yes sir, I can boogey

all night looooooong.

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THE SID VICIOUS

It’s a nice day for a WHITE WEDDING

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THE GAWKY GEEK

It’s not fair. I try to fit in, but they don’t want me.

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THE SUPREME

Because I’m worth it.

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SHORT BACK AND SIDES

Hello. My name’s Andrew and I like cricket.

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THE TOUSLED DONKEY

eeee-aww, eeee-aww, eeee-aww

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Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Andy Murray

 

I can’t wait for Wimbledon to start. I don’t watch any sports on telly, they’re all shite, but I like tennis when Andy Murray plays. And when Rafael Nadal plays. I like Andy because he’s OURS and I like Rafa because he’s FIT. Well, Andy can be a BIT FIT sometimes and I think when he gets his jaw problem sorted out he’ll be MORE FIT. I’m going to try and help him –

Look at his nice teeth.

 

 

Here’s a side view of his nice teeth.

 

 

 

We can’t see your full set of nice teeth, Andy!

 

 

 

It’s becoming painful, isn’t it? I’m going to help you close your mouth now –

 

 

 

BOP!

 

Oops! Was that too hard? Sorry!

 

 

Oh well, you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. I might not have made him any FITTER but at least his jaws will be ready for Wimbledon.

 

 

 

The Shitey Sunday Dotty Picture Post – # 1

 

La la la la la. Bored, bored, bored. Nothing to write, AGAIN.

What is it about Sundays that makes them so shitey?

Here’s a picture of a pigowl.

He’s lovely, isn’t he?

I don’t like his glasses though.

He should have gone to SpecSaver.

TWIT TWOOOOOOOIINNK
TWIT TWOOOOOOOIINNK

Dotty In A Bloggy Dither – Help!

 

I need to catch up with reading blogs but I’ve followed so many good blogs I’m becoming overwhelmed by it all. I’ve got a big pile of emails of posts to go through, and I’ve got my favourites that I love to go and read two or three posts at a time, and I’ve got the blogs I look at on the WordPress Reader, and I’ve got the new blogs I’ve followed and want to read more of because I like the look of them, and I’ve got the blogs of people who’ve followed me to check out.

I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY that I’m not being a good bloggy friend when you’re all so nice to me and keep coming back. And I feel guilty because I might miss you out and then you’ll think I don’t like your blog, or you’ll think I’m being an ignorant cow when I’m not deliberately ignoring you I’m just finding it really, really hard to keep up – to the point where I didn’t want to come online this morning because I knew all the posts I missed on my day off yesterday were waiting for me, and those from the day before that I hadn’t got round to, and the day before that, and the day before that. And I know myself too well, if something I love doing starts to become a chore I jack it in, drop it, bye bye hard thing to do, and that’s it, I never go back to it – but I don’t want to stop doing this, I love everything about blogging (except WordPress giving me a new personality).

How do you manage to keep up without spending every minute of every day online? And without feeling guilty and horrible for not visiting everyone’s blogs?

 

The Three Red Bins Of Blogging Award (The Best Award I’ve Made Today)

 

I’ve been bored out of my skull today waiting for the universe to die so I’ve made a new award AND IT’S A NICE AWARD because I thought I’d better be nice for a change in case there IS a god.

This is my new award

 

See how nice I’ve been? I think I’ve been EXCEPTIONALLY NICE, nice enough to get me into HEAVEN if there IS a god.

There are two requirements to having this award -

1 — You have to CLICK ON THIS LINK AND THEN PRESS LIKE

2 — You have to CLICK ON THIS LINK AND ADD YOUR BLOG

 

If you’ve already done these two things you are BRILLIANT and I award you my new award which is a very, very classy award, if I do say so myself. If you haven’t already done these two things GO AND DO THEM.

When (notice I’m not saying ‘if’) you put it on your own site, you can set your own conditions to manipulate your readers into doing what you want them to do.  

Go forth, my acolytes, and continue being brilliant.

 

Help! Why Has The Like Button Suddenly Appeared On My Pages?

 

I’ve never had a Like button on my pages and no one else has either and I probably wouldn’t have noticed WordPress have added one if I hadn’t seen in my notifications that someone pressed Like on my title page which is called

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A Like button on my pages is fine, it doesn’t bother me, EXCEPT on my title page – I disabled comments and shares on that page to keep it as a clean title page so does anyone know how to disable Likes on just the ONE page without disabling them altogether, please? I can’t find an option for it in the editing thingy.

 

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