When Your Brain Is Trying To Kill You


We all have a brain. Some people have happy brains that are full of glitter and light and little fluffy bunnies and light and gamboling lambs and light and ribbons and light and kisses and light and sunflowers and light. The rest of us have brains that are out to kill us, sadistic lumps of gristle and electricity that plot and plan how to get us up on that bridge, or down on the train track or kneeling in front of the oven with a bottle of paracetamol in one hand and a razor blade in the other.

I don’t know why some brains are wannabe killers and others aren’t. It’s a well known fact that we use hardly any of our brain power, that most of the brain lies dormant and ignored for as long as we are alive. So maybe they’re bored and blame us. Maybe they’re sulking. But what I think is that they have their own universe, a secret world inhabited by the areas of the brain we don’t understand. And in that universe our brains live their own lives, a beautiful cerebral utopia, and the only thing that irks them is the fact that a little part of them has to bother with US.

So what can we do about it? We can’t go to their world and ask them not to be so horrible. We can’t write them a letter because it would cost too much in stamps. Maybe they get the internet, but until we know that for certain it’s not worth writing an email. And how would we find out their email address? Or their phone number to ring them? Satellites might be able to send them a signal but unless your name is the USA or Russia or China I doubt you’d be able to afford your own. The answer is …… dreams. We contact them through dreams, because what is happening when we dream is our brains are having their nightly knees up in their own world, showing each other the lives of their earthly hosts. But because most of our lives are boring, and because our brains have a need to show off to their friends, they spice up our dreams in much the same way as Tarantino makes films, a bit of reality here, a bit of surrealism there, mix it all up and bingo, you have a hit.

Because we can’t actually enter or control our own dreams it can prove difficult to contact our brains but there is one tried and tested (by me) way of doing it. Here’s how ……

The moment you lay down to go to sleep (after you’ve shuffled around and got comfy), imagine you are in a place of beauty, by a loch or on a mountain top or by a beach or in a lovely garden, just make the place as beautiful as you can because what you are doing is tapping into the life of your brain and it’s so glad that you’re bothering with it that it’s sending back images of where it really lives. The more details you imagine, the more happy your brain and the more likely it is to want to open up communications with you. Then imagine yourself there, in that beautiful place. Feel yourself there. Feel the ground below your feet, taste the freshness of the air. You are nowhere else but there. Look around, take in everything you see. Hear the birds tweeting. Touch the bark of the old oak tree, or let the sand run through your fingers. Go for a walk. You are THERE so you feel your legs moving one in front of the other, you hear the crunch of gravel or leaves or whatever. Walk around a bit. Run if you want to, feel the freedom and the safeness. No other person on this earth can touch you, or talk to you, or bother you in this place. Call out. Shout. Scream if you want to, feel the scream rise from the pit of your stomach, a physical thing that rises up into your mouth and out in a long, loud noise, as loud and as long as it takes until it all comes out. Do it again. Then stand still for a moment. Then levitate. Your feet can leave the ground, you are light as air, you ARE the air. Go higher. Whirl around a bit, like a little birdie about to leave the nest, get used to allowing yourself to fly. Go faster. Dip and dive and swoop. If it helps imagine a bird, or a fairy, or an angel, whatever, flying with you, teaching you. Follow it. Copy what it does. Do this for as long as it takes to fall asleep if you have lasted this long (sometimes I manage to fall asleep before I get to flying). Keep doing this every night, even if you don’t want to or your brain will think you’re not serious about contacting it. When you’ve become used to going there, when you realise that the infinity of this world is all yours to explore and enjoy, when you know that this is a place your brain WANTS to share with you, it’s time to notch it up a bit.

Is there a person you wish you had not treated in a certain way? Someone you love or loved, but who you believe you treated unfairly, or hurt badly, or did a great disservice to? Go to your place. Feel safe there. Sit in an area you love, looking out over a view you love. Now, imagine that person is sitting beside you. Speak to them. Tell them how sorry you are, how you regret what you did, or think you did. Tell them why you did it, or if you don’t know why, tell them so. Tell them how ashamed you feel, how the guilt never goes away. Ask for their forgiveness. They might refuse. That’s okay because what you are going to do is bring that person back each night to sit beside you and listen to what you have to say. You will make that person understand you are genuinely sorry and in time they WILL forgive you. Do this with everyone in your life who you believe you might have harmed in some way.

When you’ve done all your sorrys, it’s time to bring in the people who hurt you. This is more difficult because it might dredge up feelings you don’t want to feel, like fear or injustice or powerlessness. Don’t worry. In this place they can’t hurt you. This is a place of safety where you are in control of everything that happens. Bring someone to sit beside you. Stand up and move to stand right in front of them. Tell them what they did. Tell them again. Scream at them if you want. You might find yourself crying, that’s fine, cry, sob, let them know how much they hurt you. They can’t speak, or move, unless you allow them to. Scream at them some more. Then punch them in the face. Kick their legs. Pull the hair out of their head. I don’t care if you tell me you’re not a violent person, neither am I, don’t think about principles just punch the fucker. Beat the shit out of them here in this world and no one will know. Hit them, hard, keep hitting them until you feel the anger drain out of you. Then tell them to beg you to let them go home. Watch the humiliation on their face. Tell them you will only let them go if they crawl away from you. Watch. When they’ve crawled for a little while, snap your fingers and they will disappear, out of the world. Then bring them back the next night and do the same thing again, and each night after that and at some point the time will come when you are bored with kicking their head in every night and you feel a bit sorry for them, they are pitiful and weak and pathetic and not worth the bother, and anyhow you’d much rather be spending your time in the world doing nice things like flying off mountain tops or swimming in the loch with Nessie.

By now, months will have gone by. Months of nightly visits to the world your brain lives in, a communication that your brain welcomes as much as you do. You won’t have to ask your brain to stop trying to kill you – it won’t want to any more, it won’t be bored by you, it won’t resent that it has to do everything for you, it won’t have to exaggerate your life to its friends when it shows them your dreams because even if your daily life is more mundane than a brick, your brain has your nightly visits to brag about.

Do it and see what happens.

Leave a comment


  1. Alan

     /  February 5, 2012

    Wow Dotty! I’ll give it a try, except the bit about people who have hurt me. I still love them.

  2. Dear Dotty,
    Thank you for this, if you don’t mind I will print it out later and keep it so my brain remembers it 🙂
    I had the most messed up dreams last night. Stephen Fry was naked playing the piano and trying to take over the world and I couldn’t find my rabbits.
    Love Hello Sailor xx

    • Dear Hellosailor,
      I find it helps if you ignore the dottiness of it. 🙂
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. That sounds more like a raging nightmare.

  3. Dear Dotty,
    The dottiness of it makes it more fun.
    Love Hello Sailor xx
    P.S it was. Especially as the guy from “Coach Trip” was there too!

    • Dear Hellosailor,
      Brendan! I love Brendan, he’s such an old woman.
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. I’m off to Loch Lomond in a few minutes. Have a good night’s sleep. x 🙂

  4. My brain is not so much trying to kill me as it is involved in a plot to constantly undermine me, and set me up for large falls from grace and major comuppances…

  5. Dear Dotty,
    This is the most gorgeous piece of writing.
    I canNOT even tell you how much I love it.
    I am sharing it…I hope that is ok.

    • Dear Lisa,

      It works! 🙂

      Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I’m copying this one off.
        All of us need this one, but I’m thinking of my 12 year old daughter.
        She thinks you are hilarious.
        If YOU say some of this good stuff, then maybe she will listen.
        When times of the brain trying to kill us.
        I am having so much fun going through your other stuff!!!

        Love, Lis

      • Dear Lisa,

        Joking and punching people aside, doing the visualisation thing works – it helps me to get to sleep at night.

        Love Dotty xxx

Write a little note to Dotty.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: