Christmas Shopping List
Some roast potatoes
Some stuffing mix
Some gravy and condiments
Some mince pies
Half a sheep
A roasting spit
More of everything else
First of all, empty all your chocolates, your cakes and your mince pies onto the kitchen table.
Light a big fire IN YOUR GARDEN, (learn from my mistakes). Wrap the pig in the blanket. Put all the animals and birds and roast potatoes onto the roasting spit which you should already have set up over the fire. Get a big, clean pot. Put all the veg in it. Put the stuffing mix in it. Put the lid on. Put it on the fire, making sure there is still enough heat and flames to cook the meat. Let the pot boil until there is no water left. Let the meat cook until the skins turn black, (test your meat and birds, particularly your pig in a blanket by sticking them with a clean carving knife – if they squeal or baa or tweet they aren’t done yet).
When it’s all done put it onto a large, clean plate. Take it inside. Put the kettle on. Make your gravy by opening the gravy granule tub and with a clean spoon take out half the granules and throw them in the bin. When the kettle has boiled, pour water on top of the other half. Stir. Pour over your dinner (don’t forget to put your condiments on, too). Enjoy.
When you’ve finished your dinner you can start on your treats which are already laid out for you on the kitchen table. Select. Eat.
NB: Best of all, there’s only one plate to wash up when you’re done, and the knife you used to test the meat and birds but if that came out clean you’re all right. And your cutlery. Wash that. The veg pot is fine, the water boiling away will have stripped all the germs off it.