Day One, 2012 – The Year Of The Slug


According to the Chinese Zodiac 2012 will be The Year of the Dragon (from 23rd January – 9th Feb 2013).

I don’t like dragons, they have big teeth and their breath smells of burnt ham, so I am declaring 2012 to be

The Year of the Slug

I’ll be the first to say that slugs are not nice – they eat my lettuces and pansies. They are made of squish and I can’t hear them coming, even in the dead of night when I hide behind the garden shed in wait for them armed with a tub of salt and a lump-hammer. They are ugly, even the babies. Also, they are ‘gastropods’, a noun which is too close to ‘gastronome’ for my liking – puts me off my dinner.


Slugs will not crunch my bones when they eat me. Slugs will not unexpectedly cremate me when I’m lying on my sofa watching Coronation Street. They will not gouge my face off with their claws, nor will they rob me and fly away to a dank cave on a high mountain to sit on my stolen treasure with their scaly bums. All they can do is slime me in trails of silvery wetness and what’s that compared to being treated as an amusing combustible by a winged, reptilian beast?

The greatest threat a slug presents is to my salad greens, my annuals, and my tender new shoots, but this can sometimes be prevented with little blue pellets. BUT if I owned fields of rapeseed or wheat or barley or corn, little blue pellets couldn’t stop a dragon who flew by one day to breathe his fire down on my livelihood until it was nothing but cinders and ash.

And the only sacrifice I will ever have to make to a slug is a saucerful of beer which is conveniently to hand at all times of the day or night. The five virgins required for sacrifice to a dragon would be impossible to source in my locality.

Support my declaration and this coming year will be a fat, succulent year of health and wealth and plenty, not a scabrous, draconian time of scourge, ruin and adversity, (like 2011 was). 


2012       The Year of the Slug       2012

Confucius say –

“Venerate univalves

and juicy happiness shalt be thine”

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  1. I have a great story about slugs… I have a great story about every subject that ever existed, but you were talking about slugs, so…


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