Before you begin, keep in mind at all times that you are not an animal. Put it on a plate.
Bread (however many slices you want)
A bit of something to spread on the bread
If you have a toaster plug it in and turn it on. Put the bread in the toaster (if you have more bread than you have toaster slots you will have to repeat these steps). Set the timer and the how crispy you want it thingy and go and get your spread. Butter and marg. are in the fridge. Jam, marmalade, marmite etc should be on a shelf or in a cupboard. Get a knife to spread your spread with. When the toast is ready it will pop up and make a noise so bear this in mind and you won’t get a fright. Take the toast from the toaster. WARNING do not ever put the knife near the toaster or the toaster will blow up and maybe you with it, (this is not a reason to avoid making your toast). Put the toast on a clean surface. Spread your spread of choice on the toast (using the knife). Unplug the toaster. Put the lid on the spread. Put the toast on a clean plate. Put the knife in the sink. Go and sit down and enjoy your toast but don’t forget to come back later and clean up.
If you haven’t got a toaster you’ll have to make a sandwich instead, (recipe below), because I don’t know what to do. Who do you think I am? Nigella?
Bread (1, 2, 3 or 4, you decide)
Lay your bread in individual slices on a clean surface. Get a knife. Get your spread, (find butter or marg in fridge, mayo or whatever in cupboard or on shelf). Spread your spread onto your bread with the knife. Now, decide what you want for your filling. A good suggestion is that you use more than one ingredient because if you normally just slap a bit of meat on your bread you’ll get bored of sandwiches and sandwiches are a staple for hermits so you might end up starving. An example of a good sandwich is to put your bit of meat on top of some lettuce. Or you could slice a tomato and put the slices on top of the meat, (cherry or plum tomatoes are easier than big ones – you just cut them in half, less slicing). Think about omitting the meat. Cheese is good and it comes in all sorts of strengths and flavours, (actually that’s not true, it only comes in one flavour – cheese). Also think about using ingredients such as cucumber, rocket, spring onion, yellow pepper, radish etc (which also can be combined to make a SALAD which is another, different meal). Once you’ve decided on your filling, put it on your bread. Cover the filling with another slice of bread, cut in half with the knife. Put both halves on a clean plate. Because the sandwich is a cold one, (we’ll move on to hot sandwiches another time), you can tidy up before you sit down to eat it, saving the bother of having to remember to come back and do it later.
Wash it. Eat it.
Peel it. Eat it.