Dotty Can Be A Horrible Hermit When She Has To Save The World


I bet you wouldn’t have dreamt in a zillion years that I have a little streak of fiendishness in me. Just a teensy one. It doesn’t come out often but given the right circumstances – wooosh, I could cut you down like a scythe through slush (I was going to say through shite but I’m trying to stop swearing again, Granny Euphemia popped in to see again me the other night – sorry, I didn’t tell you, did I, it was the night after THAT night).

My little streak of fiendishness came out an hour ago, on this PRETEND CHRISTMAS morning of ours, when Scotty asked for bacon INSTEAD OF Cumberland sausages for breakfast. Now I don’t mind bacon, there’s nothing wrong with it AS AN ACCOMPANIMENT TO CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES but on its own, nah, that’s like Ant without Dec, Torvill without Dean, Roy without Hayley, it’s just plain WRONG and if it ever happened all the butterflies in the world would FALL TO THE GROUND as their WINGS DROPPED OFF and tsunamis and hurricanes and lightning bolts and showers of meteorites would descend on the WORLD and we would all DIE. But he insisted on bacon sandwiches, JUST bacon, and I had to think of something to SAVE US ALL from dying VIOLENT and PAINFUL deaths.

So what I did is when Scotty was in the bathroom I opened the packet of bacon, separated each slice (there were 8 slices) and on each individual slice I rubbed BIG DOLLOPS of Hellman’s Garlic Mayonnaise, Bisto Best Rich & Roasted Chicken Gravy gravy granules, Colman’s Tartare Sauce, Hartley’s Strawberry Jam With No Bits, and Maxwell House coffee granules. I put some Cumberland sausages under the grill to cook then I put the frying pan on the hob and chucked the manky bacon in to fry. After 1 minute and 23 seconds Scotty came out and said ‘What’s that smell? It’s rotten.’ I told him it was his breakfast, JUST bacon like he wanted. He looked into the frying pan at all the sizzling gunk, then he looked at me, then he said, ‘I’ll JUST have Cumberland sausages then, if that’s all right with you.’

That was FINE with me. TICKETY-BOO.


OH SHITE —- I forgot to put the turkey and the goose in the oven.

Must dash.


Leave a comment


  1. I swear to god, Dotty, I just really love you — you are great!

    • Dear Judith,
      Thank you. I love you too. But for the sake of neatness you really should put your declaration of love in the right place which is Marriage Proposals And Declarations Of Love For Dotty. or when I’m feeling sad and lonely and want to look at it again, I won’t remember where it is.
      Love Dotty xxx

  2. Dear Dotty
    I like Cumberland sausages but I prefer Dr. Oetkers Pizza Mozzarella they are lovely I usually eat two at once.
    Yours chomping Schtupod

  3. Bacon sabotage for the greater good. A bold approach to breakfast. Keep up the good work

    • Dear terriblytorn13,
      Thank you. Saving the world is difficult and someone has to do it. I don’t like to brag, but this isn’t the first time.
      Love Dotty xxx

  4. Would Cumberland sausages wrapped in bacon be so bad? And where did you get that picture of that crazy shoe? I lover that shoe.


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