I bet you wouldn’t have dreamt in a zillion years that I have a little streak of fiendishness in me. Just a teensy one. It doesn’t come out often but given the right circumstances – wooosh, I could cut you down like a scythe through slush (I was going to say through shite but I’m trying to stop swearing again, Granny Euphemia popped in to see again me the other night – sorry, I didn’t tell you, did I, it was the night after THAT night).
My little streak of fiendishness came out an hour ago, on this PRETEND CHRISTMAS morning of ours, when Scotty asked for bacon INSTEAD OF Cumberland sausages for breakfast. Now I don’t mind bacon, there’s nothing wrong with it AS AN ACCOMPANIMENT TO CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES but on its own, nah, that’s like Ant without Dec, Torvill without Dean, Roy without Hayley, it’s just plain WRONG and if it ever happened all the butterflies in the world would FALL TO THE GROUND as their WINGS DROPPED OFF and tsunamis and hurricanes and lightning bolts and showers of meteorites would descend on the WORLD and we would all DIE. But he insisted on bacon sandwiches, JUST bacon, and I had to think of something to SAVE US ALL from dying VIOLENT and PAINFUL deaths.
So what I did is when Scotty was in the bathroom I opened the packet of bacon, separated each slice (there were 8 slices) and on each individual slice I rubbed BIG DOLLOPS of Hellman’s Garlic Mayonnaise, Bisto Best Rich & Roasted Chicken Gravy gravy granules, Colman’s Tartare Sauce, Hartley’s Strawberry Jam With No Bits, and Maxwell House coffee granules. I put some Cumberland sausages under the grill to cook then I put the frying pan on the hob and chucked the manky bacon in to fry. After 1 minute and 23 seconds Scotty came out and said ‘What’s that smell? It’s rotten.’ I told him it was his breakfast, JUST bacon like he wanted. He looked into the frying pan at all the sizzling gunk, then he looked at me, then he said, ‘I’ll JUST have Cumberland sausages then, if that’s all right with you.’
That was FINE with me. TICKETY-BOO.
Result — DISASTER EVERTED, (EDIT EDIT – AVERTED – WHO KEEPS PUTTING MISSPELLINGS IN MY BLOG??) the WORLD IS SAVED and we can go ahead with our PRETEND CHRISTMAS.
OH SHITE —- I forgot to put the turkey and the goose in the oven.