Pobert Rattinson (see Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game) is one of the ugliest fuckers ever to show himself on my telly. His face looks like someone smacked it repeatedly with a gravestone. He resembles Stefan Somerhalder (see Totty On The Telly), my lovely Ian Somerhalder’s ugly brother from THE VAMPIRE DIARIES.
In the films Pobert is a vampire and he has a girlfriend who is human. Ring any bells? Yes, of course it rings bells, a BIG fucking ding-a-ling of bells, because IT’S A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. And yes, I HAVE read the books, the first three anyway, and putting aside THE VAMPIRE DIARIES rip-off issue the books are a zillion times better than the films for these four reasons —
1. Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.
2. Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.
3. Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.
4. HALF THE STORY IS MISSING.
So don’t bother watching these films, they’re shite. You should read the books instead – PROPER books with PAPER PAGES.
Score – 0 out of 10