But guess what, it’s sod’s fucking law he has to come back again next week because I WAS RIGHT and the boiler needs two new PARTS that can’t be ordered until Monday so won’t arrive until Wednesday but he doesn’t know WHEN he will come to fit them. If he had come yesterday when he was supposed to he could… oh, frig it, what’s the point?
And I DIDN’T lock him in.
I didn’t hit him.
I wasn’t sick on his shoes.
I didn’t have a panic attack (came close a couple of times).
I didn’t cry in front of him, just a few tears that I managed to blink away.
I don’t THINK he heard my heart battering away, or me whispering my special mantra for peacefulness and calm, taught to me by HIS HOLEY CHEESENESS, THE DAIRY FFARMA (fuckshitebastardfuckshitebastard) but he did keep giving me funny looks so it’s possible he might have noticed.
I did stutter, but for all he knows I might HAVE a stutter and there’s nothing wrong with having a stutter, it’s only if you have a stutter when you’re a TRAMPY SHE-HERMIT that it really bothers people.
I don’t think I was TOO mental.
I did shake slightly.
I made him a cup of tea because he asked for one.
I didn’t shake enough to scald his hand when I handed him the cup of tea he asked for because I didn’t hand him the cup of tea he asked for, I left it on the kitchen worktop for him.
I did scream once but it wasn’t a mental scream it was a METAL scream due to sudden excrutiating HURTY NOISE in my ears when the bastard was trying to get the front of the boiler off and IT SOUNDED LIKE A GIANT METAL AEROPLANE SCRAPING ACROSS MY ROOF BECAUSE I HAVE HYPERACUSIS AND THE FUCKER SHOULD HAVE DONE HIS JOB QUIETLY LIKE I TOLD HIM TO.
I bleached the cup when he’d finished his tea.
And then I bleached my hands that had touched the cup that he had touched with his mouth before it was bleached.
He had stupid hair.
And he was a CHATTY BASTARD. But I know how to deal with CHATTY BASTARDS. I told him I’m deaf, which I’m not I just can’t hear properly, so he shut up and only spoke to me to ask me what he had to ask me which wasn’t much.
I wanted to go away from where he was. I really wanted to.
I couldn’t, for all the reasons that everyone can’t when they have a STRANGER IN THE HOUSE —
they steal your things
they sneak a look in your cupboards and drawers
and your fridge
they eat the food in your fridge (and I had made HEAPS of Cumberland sausages to see me through THE DAY OF WAITING)
they write rude things in the dust
they plant secret hidden mini-miniature cameras all over your house
they look for hiding places so they can sneak back in and hide until you’re asleep (which means you can’t go to sleep again)
they PISS IN YOUR SINK
they drink your beer if you have any beer, which I don’t because I don’t drink beer or any other alcoholic beverage – I am TEETOTAL apart from my morning ABSINTHE & BANANA SMOOTHIE, which doesn’t count because
1 – Absinthe is made of WORMWOOD which is a plant I grow in my garden, therefore Absinthe is a PLANT EXTRACT like SUNFLOWER OIL.
2 – My ABSINTHE & BANANA SMOOTHIE is a FRUITY, HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS SMOOTHIE FULL OF VITAMINS AND GLOOPY GOODNESS
3 – I drink it in the morning and if I were drinking alcohol in the morning I would be an ALKY which I AM NOT.
So I survived – but I’m fucking shattered, wiped out from two days of high stress and high anxiety (I watched that once, long ago) and a few panic attacks.
And there are at least five days to go until he comes back.