Numpty The Boilerman And His Lack Of PARTS


He’s been.


But guess what, it’s sod’s fucking law he has to come back again next week because I WAS RIGHT and the boiler needs two new PARTS that can’t be ordered until Monday so won’t arrive until Wednesday but he doesn’t know WHEN he will come to fit them. If he had come yesterday when he was supposed to he could… oh, frig it, what’s the point?

He’s been.

And DIDN’T lock him in.

I didn’t hit him.

I wasn’t sick on his shoes.

I didn’t have a panic attack (came close a couple of times).

I didn’t cry in front of him, just a few tears that I managed to blink away.

I don’t THINK he heard my heart battering away, or me whispering my special mantra for peacefulness and calm, taught to me by HIS HOLEY CHEESENESS, THE DAIRY FFARMA (fuckshitebastardfuckshitebastard) but he did keep giving me funny looks so it’s possible he might have noticed.

I did stutter, but for all he knows I might HAVE a stutter and there’s nothing wrong with having a stutter, it’s only if you have a stutter when you’re a TRAMPY SHE-HERMIT that it really bothers people.

I don’t think I was TOO mental.

I did shake slightly.

I made him a cup of tea because he asked for one.

I didn’t shake enough to scald his hand when I handed him the cup of tea he asked for because I didn’t hand him the cup of tea he asked for, I left it on the kitchen worktop for him.

I did scream once but it wasn’t a mental scream it was a METAL scream due to sudden excrutiating HURTY NOISE in my ears when the bastard was trying to get the front of the boiler off and IT SOUNDED LIKE A GIANT METAL AEROPLANE SCRAPING ACROSS MY ROOF BECAUSE I HAVE HYPERACUSIS AND THE FUCKER SHOULD HAVE DONE HIS JOB QUIETLY LIKE I TOLD HIM TO.

I bleached the cup when he’d finished his tea.

And then I bleached my hands that had touched the cup that he had touched with his mouth before it was bleached.

He had stupid hair.

And he was a CHATTY BASTARD. But I know how to deal with CHATTY BASTARDS. I told him I’m deaf, which I’m not I just can’t hear properly, so he shut up and only spoke to me to ask me what he had to ask me which wasn’t much.

I wanted to go away from where he was. I really wanted to.

I couldn’t, for all the reasons that everyone can’t when they have a STRANGER IN THE HOUSE —

they steal your things

they sneak a look in your cupboards and drawers

and your fridge

they eat the food in your fridge (and I had made HEAPS of Cumberland sausages to see me through THE DAY OF WAITING)

they write rude things in the dust

they plant secret hidden mini-miniature cameras all over your house

they look for hiding places so they can sneak back in and hide until you’re asleep (which means you can’t go to sleep again)


they drink your beer if you have any beer, which I don’t because I don’t drink beer or any other alcoholic beverage – I am TEETOTAL apart from my morning ABSINTHE & BANANA SMOOTHIE, which doesn’t count because  

1 – Absinthe is made of WORMWOOD which is a plant I grow in my garden, therefore Absinthe is a PLANT EXTRACT like SUNFLOWER OIL.


3 – I drink it in the morning and if I were drinking alcohol in the morning I would be an ALKY which I AM NOT.


So I survived – but I’m fucking shattered, wiped out from two days of high stress and high anxiety (I watched that once, long ago) and a few panic attacks.

And there are at least five days to go until he comes back.







Leave a comment


  1. Dorothy

     /  March 16, 2012

    OMG…..dear Dotty..I feel your high anxiety just reading your post. I also hate it when people come into my house and can’t wait for them to leave. Like you said how do really know they haven’t planted a secret microphone or tiny camera among your plants to watch you??? But it was nice of you to make him a cup of tea. I would have told him I was all out and wasn’t going to get any until Monday. Now enjoy your Cumberland sausages and think of nothing but their greasy goodness and have a good night.

    • Dear Dorothy,
      Thank you. I HAD to give him a cup of tea – he said ‘Cuppa tea, love?’ and I nodded and made him one. Saying all you said to say to him would have been too much.
      Love Dotty xxx

  2. Dear Dotty,

    I am so proud of you! Time now for you and Emily to have a little party — lots of Cumberland Sausage cupcakes, and maybe a Cumberland Sausage milkshake or two, and then you can finish with Cumberland Sausage sparkly drinks for a toast! Enjoy — I wish I was going to be nearby — that sounds like a good menu, if I do say so myself.

    You are the woman, sister!



    • Dear Judith,
      Oh, thank you. You’ve CHEERED ME UP. 🙂
      I’ll make EVERYTHING tomorrow. And do you know what? I might ring Lottie and ask if THE BERSERKERS can come to my party!
      Love Dotty xxx

  3. Dear Dotty,

    This could be the beginning of a beautiful new phase of your relationship with them. Or you could just be mental, and you don’t want Lottie the foul get and her demonic offspring anywhere near you. Either way, have a lot of fun!! 😎 😎

    Love you, girl,


  4. love the line “sod’s fucking law.” May I use it?

  5. You are refreshingly honest!

  6. Dotty,
    I empathise greatly with your predicament – did the boiler man have heavy tappy shoes he couldn’t walk in properly and call you ‘luv’ a lot?
    or perhaps there could be romance on the horizon?
    ooo I’m excited!

    ps van gogh liked absinthe and look what happened to him…

    • Dear Jennifer,
      He did call me love, and he had big heavy black boots on, they’re what I looked at most.
      Why would there be a romance? Do you fancy him?
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. Van Gogh must have laced his Absinthe with voddy or something.

  7. How do i upload a pic i found of you?

    • Dear Jennifer,
      Who knows? I have no idea. I know how to upload pictures onto my blog, but I don’t know how to put a picture in comments. Sorry. But what is this picture, I want to see it.
      Love Dotty xxx

    • Dear Jennifer,
      P.S. Where’s your picture gone? I liked your picture when you had it, it cheered me up.
      Love Dotty xxx

  8. The important thing is – you got through it and and he lived for you to tell the tale!

  9. *happy dancing*

  10. ew, you had to deal with a person…


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