Numpty the boilerman came back this morning with the parts he needed to fix the boiler. I don’t know what they were, I kept myself hidden in my laptop reading through someone’s blog while he did what he had to do. He rang yesterday evening so I knew he was coming and this time I took extra beta-blockers and a big, BIG swig of laudanum to help me cope while he was here.
I was in the living room to save my ears from imploding and so he couldn’t talk to me and make me even more panicky. The boiler is in the utility room at the back of the house. He’d been here about half an hour when he came to the living room door and tapped on it. ‘S’cuse me, love, have you got some old towels?’
Old towels? Oh for fuck’s sake. ‘How bad is it?’
‘No, it’s not too bad, don’t worry yourself.’
I went to have a look.
WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE, AND NOT A DROP TO DRINK
Why are people so FUCKING USELESS?
I got him some towels from my airing cupboard, which weren’t old towels they were NEW towels from the collection that fell on me the day Granny Euphemia came to see me. I thought – why am I not in a right tizz, panicky and terrified, but I wasn’t, no, my extra medication must have been just right. I’ll have to write down what and how much I took so I know for the next time something comes up. I took the towels downstairs and waded through the big puddle near the back door.
He pointed at the cooker and said, ‘If you start there you’ll stop it running underneath.’
I DON’T THINK SO
So I calmly said —
YOU INCOMPETENT TWAT OF AN ARSEWIPE, YOU CAN FUCK OFF. YOU MOP IT UP OR YOU MIGHT AS WELL WHISTLE FOR YOUR MONEY BECAUSE YOU WON’T GET ANY OF MINE.
and I went back into the living room and carried on reading the blog.
Another hour and a half later he tapped on the door again. ‘I’m finished, love.’
And guess what? He had.
The boiler is working, no leaks, and he did such a good job mopping up that my kitchen floor has PATTERNS IN THE LINO THAT I’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT.
I might ask him if he wants a cleaning job, cash in hand.
So all’s well that ends well.
Except I don’t know what he’s done with the new pack of towels I gave him.
Where are they?
EDIT EDIT EDIT — I can see the towels but I can’t get them. The bastard’s left them in my two washing up basins OUTSIDE. I can’t reach them because they’re JUST ROUND THE CORNER, I can see about eight inches of towel and about one inch of basin. What will I do, what will I do?