Today I was going to write about my collections of which I have LOTS and LOTS including two of my most prized objects, my DINOSAUR EGGS found in Montana about 11 years ago and given to me by dear dead Daddy (before he died of course, idiot). After months and months of debate THE FOSSIL BOFFINS suspected the eggs are SAUROPOD EGGS because they were found next to the skeleton of a SAUROPOD. What’s to suspect, FOSSIL BOFFINS? DUH!
My dear dead Daddy actually gave me FIVE DINOSAUR EGGS but curiosity and scientific experiments involving hammers and drills and great quantities of arsenic based concoctions lost me three of them – in the scientific culinary experiment I attempted to produce a lovely, rare, black fried egg that Russian oligarchs and Chinese zulti-zillionaires would clamour to eat and pay me squidoodles of dosh for but it didn’t quite work out as I’d planned mainly because the DINOSAUR EGGS have become FOSSILISED and are just like BIG HARD BALL-SIZED ROCKS THAT ARE HARD TO OPEN.
Anyway, if you were paying attention at the beginning you’ll have noticed I said I WAS GOING TO write about my collections (and if you weren’t paying attention, why do I waste my time?) but I can’t write about my collections because I’m still reeling in shock at what I saw on telly last night – Amy Winehouse’s FATHER helping to sell one of her dresses on FOUR ROOMS. Granted, the dress had been donated to charity by Miss Winehouse before her death and granted, the dress was being sold by and for the charity – BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER FATHER DOING THERE in the first place, getting his face on telly AGAIN on the back of his dead daughter’s fame, HELPING TO SELL HER CLOTHES? And I read that he said on his Twitter thingy that he’ll be SELLING MORE OF HER CLOTHES (he didn’t say whether or not it will be for charity). She’s hardly cold, at least give it a year before you schlep her clothes round the vulture’s lairs.
What happened to basic decency? And respect for the newly dead? In little Emily’s time people wore BLACK for a year after the death of a loved one and during the mourning period decent intervals of time were expected and adhered to before certain things took place, such as FLOGGING OFF THEIR CLOTHES. What happened to STANDARDS?
The word ‘memorabilia’ was mentioned in reference to the dress. I’m not even going to go there…
But, surprisingly, one of the FOUR ROOMS collectors had a conscience, the fat bloke with glasses who I didn’t used to like but I do now, he refused to make a bid because he said he didn’t feel comfortable, “IT IS TOO SOON.”
Yes, fat bloke with glasses who I didn’t used to like but I do now. It IS too soon.
At least if my scientific culinary experiment had worked it wouldn’t have been MERCENARY and PROFITEERING because my DINOSAUR EGGS are older than ancient, MILLIONS OF YEARS HAVE GONE BY SINCE THEY HAD LIFE IN THEM.
Oh, and the dress made £25,000.