I had to. I don’t like April Fool’s Day, I’m scared of it and Little Emily can be a sod for practical jokes. It was okay being in the tumble dryer at first, it felt safe and warm because I’d just dried my towels but while I was having the panic attacks it got a bit uncomfortable and my elbows and knees hurt like fuck now, I think I can see the bruises starting to come out.
It’s all YOUR fault I had the panic attacks. And little Emily’s. Last night I was happy because of the 626 views you’ve done on my little blog. Little Emily was happy too, we had a feast of Cumberland sausages which she cooked so I didn’t have to do anything except sit back and eat. And I ate and ate and ate, not until I was SICK like Bonnie Langford who SCREAMED and SCREAMED and SCREAMED until she was sick, just until I FELT sick.
So there I was, sitting on my sofa at one o’clock in the morning, feeling sick, unable to move because my belly was like a big stone, when little Emily said, ‘Dotty, my dear friend, what if this is all a trick?‘
‘Your blog guests. They may be playing tricks on you.‘
‘What’re you on about?’
‘The statistics on your blog. What if they are an illusion, a despicable antic executed to make you THINK you have 626 views when really you do not?’
‘Shut up, idiot. I’ll show you it, it’s still on my stats page.’
‘Yes it is. But what if a secret group of infiltrating bloggers caused it to happen? Strange ne’er-do-wells lurk in Blogland too, my friend.’
‘And why the fuck would they do that? And WHO the fuck would do that? All the people on my blog are nice and kind and I love them.’
‘What about Judith?‘
‘She doesn’t like me. She has it in for me.’
‘HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. If you think Judith would do something like that you’ve LOST IT. Stop being stupid, divvy bitch.’
‘If not Judith, then who?’
‘I don’t know. Nobody.’
‘Someone did it.’
‘Okay then, tell me how.’
‘I have been thinking about it. It is highly possible that they might have paid Wordpress to perform an adjustment.‘
‘It’d have to be A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY for WordPress to do something like that.’
‘Not if WordPress are almost bankrupt. I heard rumours that bailiffs had been seen clearing out blogs. They were seen stacking furniture onto a cart.‘
‘Yes. Would I lie to you, my dear friend? Would I lie to you on this day of all days, the day that follows your 626 views that came about on the last day of March?‘
‘No, no you wouldn’t. I’m sorry.’
‘Go to bed, dear friend. It’s already tomorrow.‘
‘Right, yes, I will.’
And I did but I couldn’t sleep for worrying – so which of you was it?
WHO FIDDLED MY FUCKING FIGURES?
I can feel another panic attack coming on and my knees and elbows hurt.
I knew it was too good to be true.
626 fucking views my arse.
Well at least little Emily didn’t get a chance to play her April Fool’s Day tricks. She can’t get me now, it’s too late.