Dead Husband Ex-Simon Garottey (Part 2)


This blogging lark is quite cathartic, isn’t it? Writing about the shite I can’t talk to anyone else about is having a good effect on me, it’s making me reflect and it’s changing how I feel about certain things. For example, remorse.

Before I say anything else, I’m going to copy and paste a paragraph from the post I wrote on Valentine’s Day to save you the bother of having to click on a link (which you wouldn’t do anyway, so really I’m just making you read the bit I want you to read). This is the paragraph —


So today is the 3rd anniversary of THE DAY I KILLED SIMON. You might be wondering why I’m not banged up in the clinky (I know all the prison jargon, I watch LAW & ORDER UK). Well I DID go to prison but only while I was waiting for the trial and my prison wasn’t a general prison it was a sort of prison for the criminally insane. But I AM NOT CRIMINALLY INSANE and that was proved when JUDGE HACKISNACKERSOFF threw the case out on the very first day when she heard how Simon bought me A HOOVER for Valentine’s Day. NO card, NO chocolates, NO flowers – in her speech Judge Hackisnackersoff said his actions “reached depths of mental cruelty previously unheard of in this court.” She also said “The deceased deserved everything he got.” So here I am, and it’s all thanks to Judge Hackisnackersoff that I have my darling little blog at all.


So now you’ve read that bit you know I was acquitted of all charges by the lovely Judge Hackisnackersoff. But what I DIDN’T mention in that paragraph is the question she asked me JUST BEFORE she acquitted me – she said

“Are you remorseful?”

And I said ‘Yes, Judge Hackisnackersoff, I AM remorseful.’

And she believed me – because I was TELLING THE TRUTH.

Yes, I WAS remorseful about killing ex-Simon. Here’s a list of why —


1 — My nice curtains got ruined with blood stains and I had to throw them away.

2 — My nice cushion covers got ruined with blood stains and I had to throw them away (but luckily my sofa didn’t, it’s a leather oxblood Chesterfield and all it needed was a wash and a wipe).

3 — My good carpet got ruined with blood stains and I haven’t been able to afford to replace it.

4 — Dibble took all my guns away – (I’m okay now, Scotty gave me his old sniper rifle and another little present and I’m building an impressive collection of other protective weapons — oh, that reminds me, WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED DONATING TO MY CANNON FUND?)

5 — Errmm. Hmmm. Nope, I can’t remember the fifth reason.


So yes, I WAS full of remorse for what I did, how could I not be, if I didn’t feel remorse I’d be a heartless psychopath, something I’ve always wished to be because heartless psychopaths don’t give two diddly fucks about ANYTHING. But what I’ve now realised is the remorse I was full of was the WRONG REMORSE, I was remorseful for the WRONG REASONS, I was remorseful about the WRONG THINGS. My reasons were selfish, ALL ABOUT ME, not about ex-Simon who should have been taken into account because he was the one who got killed.

So I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve revised my reasons for being remorseful to include ex-Simon. Here’s a list of THE NEW REASONS WHY I AM REMORSEFUL


1 — Cleaning. NO ONE cleaned the house like ex-Simon did, NO ONE, and it’s starting to get manky again – Scotty and Lottie obviously didn’t do it properly last week, the clatty fuckers.

2 — The way ex-Simon died. If I hadn’t acted on impulse, if I’d just taken a few minutes to stop and think about it, I could have been more INVENTIVE IN MY METHOD of killing him – there are SO many other ways I could have done it that would have been less BASIC and CRUDE than shooting him in the face, cleverer, more thoughtful ways. Yes, I think this is what I’m MOST remorseful about. Poor ex-Simon, even though he deserved to die (as Judge Hackisnackersoff said) I’m now thinking he deserved a BETTER way to die.

Hang on, was that PITY FOR EX-SIMON I just felt?

No, never mind, it’s gone, I don’t know what it was.

Perhaps it WAS pity. That’s a new one, if it was.


So there you have it, writing my blog is changing me for the better.

Oh, if you want to know what happened  on the day I killed him you can read the statement I gave to Dibble by clicking on this link —

A Statement From The Accused



Leave a comment


  1. Dorothy

     /  April 22, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    You’re certainly not heartless, you care for too many people but I can imagine that Simon would have irritated me greatly. I suggest on your 3rd anniversary you celebrate this day as one of liberation from tyrrany by throwing yourself a party be it in your own mind or for others. I do that all the time because I spend so much time alone. Me, myself, and I. SInce I am the only one that cleans too and no one does it better or worse as the case may be then it doesn’t matter the mess I make. We only live one life. Make a big bowl of pudding and dump it on your head if you feel like it! Hmm, sounds delicious. Maybe I’ll do that instead.
    Love Dorothy

    • Dear Dorothy,

      It would depend what sort of pudding – Americans have different puddings than we do and I don’t know that I’d like American puddings. I might try it with an Upside Down pudding, or a Sticky Toffee pudding, or a Steak & Kidney pudding but I wouldn’t like a Tapioca pudding or a Semolina pudding or a Rice pudding dumped on my head, it’d be like trying to wash Angel sick out of my hair.

      Love Dotty xxx

  2. I once received a kettle for my b day. And he had already used it, and just told me – your gift is on the kitchen counter, sorry, I already used it.
    And when I got angry about it I was called spoilt and bitchy and ungrateful… The usual.
    He is, alas, not dead, but giving another woman the crap he gave me 😉

    • Dear 68ghia,

      He might not last long if the other woman is a bit short-tempered. If I were you I’d wrap up the kettle and send it to her with a card saying it’s from him. 😉

      Love Dotty xxx

  3. No need for me to watch crime dramas on tv, i can catch up with you instead. Sorry to hear about your curtains.

  4. Since you are not a psychopath and don’t plan to remarry, I suppose it doesn’t matter much, but Mary Ann Cotton had a good method of taking care of worthless husbands.

    A roommate tried it on me once, poisoning, it made me ill for a few days but that was it. So if you do it, make sure you do it right. (Unless it’s me your trying to kill.) It was meant for my girlfriend at the time, but I didn’t find that out until years later. I haven’t talked to the roommate since not long after that incident, I thought we were mortal enemies when we last saw each other, but when I found out she meant no ill will towards me I forgave her in my mind.

    • Dear dead guy,

      I have various books on poisoning, including The Poisoner’s Handbook, and I’m sorry now that I didn’t put more thought into it and do a bit of research beforehand – there are so many good poisons to choose from. When I was young and innocent (13) I tried to poison my dear dead Daddy twice, once with paraquat in his tea and the other time with Milk of Magnesia in his tea – both poisonings gave him the same result as you had – ill for a few days. He never knew I did it though, he thought he had a stomach bug.

      Love Dotty xxx

  5. Not even remorse that you didn’t do it sooner? 😉

    PS. (my favorite post so far). And I’ve like a lot so that is saying something.. LOL

  6. Glad to hear you are a reformed woman. I can sleep better at night now.

  7. Cathartic??? I assumed you would be Church of England… (That’s a joke, get it?)
    Dick Cheney also shot a man in the face, and you have seen the picture that proves it, righto, Dotty me love? It hardly inconvenienced Mr. Cheney… (I like to call him Dick)… at all, except he had to take time out of his busy schedule… (or ssshhheduulll as you English say)… so the guy he shot could apologize to him.

  8. Dear Dotty,
    My life is now complete knowing I helped someone change for the better.
    Love xoxoxxx

  9. Was it pity? Maybe just a little gas?
    xo Maggie


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