Dotty Does Some Dreaded F*cking Form Filling


I’ve spent today filling in a FORM that should have been filled in weeks ago, a fucking nasty FORM with BIG spaces to write in and little boxes to tick and SHITEY illogical questions to answer.

When it first arrived I opened it, not realising it was a FORM. I read the letter that came with it then I stuffed it all back in the envelope and propped it up on the worktop so I wouldn’t forget about it completely (I couldn’t, it’s important or I’d have binned the thing). And for all these weeks it’s been THERE, waiting for me, whispering ‘fill me in, fill me in,’ watching me when I tried to sneak past it on tiptoe or when I got down on all fours and crawled below it’s line of sight. When I tried to go to sleep at night I could feel the EVIL emanating from it – I AM HERE AND I WON’T GO AWAY UNTIL YOU FILL ME IN – and for the last two days I haven’t been in the kitchen at all and I’m fucking STARVING and the DUE DATE that the form has to be returned by is VERY DUE so this morning I went into my kitchen with a notebook and pen and I grabbed the envelope and opened it and took out the FORM and then I laid the FORM on the table next to the notebook and pen and then I made a MASSIVE pile of Cumberland sausage sandwiches for STRENGTH and ENDURANCE and then I made another cup of coffee and then I went for a wee and then I couldn’t avoid the FORM any more so I sat down and got started on the fucker.

After filling in my name and address and shite, one of the first things it asked me was

‘Do you need an interpreter?’

and I was SO TEMPTED to put


and then when it asked in what language, I wanted to put


and I wanted to write that if they wouldn’t provide me with a Dottish interpreter I’d SUE THEIR BOLLOCKS OFF because that’s just SHEER, BLATANT DISCRIMINATION.

and so what if there’s only one person in the world who speaks Dottish and I’M that person, PAY ME £70.00 per hour and I’ll translate for myself, you fucking imbeciles.


I don’t like FORMS. They’re nasty.

I’ve finished it now though and it’s all ready to post.

Thank fuck.




Leave a comment


  1. I hate forms too. Thankfully the ESA and DLA people have decided tht I am so FUBAR that I NEVER HAVE TO FILL ANOTHER FORM IN AGAIN!

  2. You bested your very formidable opponent. Good job.

  3. Did you try calling for an extension on your form? I bet you could have ignored it for weeks longer. But at least its done now, and its nasty, perverted form-eyes aren’t watching you any more.

    • Dear Victor,

      No, they wouldn’t let me ignore it any more, they don’t do extensions – they’re nasty fuckers like their FORMS.

      Love Dotty xxx

  4. Dear Dotty,

    Blast. That reminds me I have a form to fill out, too. I share your suffering: they make me feel like I am lying.


    • Dear owl,

      I can write on my blog every day but when it comes to FORMS (or even shopping lists for that matter – anything I have to write in everyday life) my mind goes blank.

      Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dear dotty,
    I once had to fill a form in which I put my postal address 12 times! imagine my plight. I hate my address now, wish it were shorter.

  6. First, FUBAR is F— Up Beyond All Recognition. Didn’t see that answered, so thought I’d chime in. It’s a favorite…. Second, the word FORM, followed by filled in, has your post as its definition in the OED. (and the American, and all other languages as well). Isn’t there some way of getting rid of them? 🙂

  7. Carr Party of Five

     /  April 25, 2012

    Dotty dear…I wish you could just tell us how you really feel. Teehee…my fave part:’I could feel the evil emanating from it’. Bahahaaaa!!! P.s.I want to learn Dottish©

    • Dear Carr,

      Dottish is an ever-changing, ever-evolving language. I’ve made a start on my research for a forthcoming extensive works entitled DOTTY’S DICTIONARY OF THE DOTTISH LANGUAGE. You can see the research I’ve done so far on the Dotty’s Collected Profanities page.

      Love Dotty xxx

  8. Take a deep breath…
    I am super busy right now, but when my brother is done getting married, I will do that award for you. (I picture a sausage sitting on a brick, or something equally clever)…
    But remind me next week, because I will forget.
    Oh, you can start breathing again, if you want. I thought a little oxygen deprivation would help you forget that FORM…
    (oh, sorry)

    • Dear pmao,

      So you class your brother’s wedding as being more important than making me a Cumberland sausage award? Huh, the cheek of some people!

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. If you’re too busy to come online, I hope you have a great time. 🙂

  9. Forms sucks. They have eyes. And ears too. Yikes!
    If your inner Slutty Dotty want’s a bit of sunshine, head over to my blog. I’m sharing sunshine to everyone who leaves a little comment 😎

  10. Grumpy Dotty
    Feeling spitey
    Filled up her
    Fucking forms
    With shitey.
    Mailed them in
    With curses Dottery,
    And won the Cumbie
    Sausage lottery!

    FUBAR generally means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, originally applied by engineers to a simple ideas made unnecessarily complex.

  11. Dear Dotty,
    You should teach Dottish lessons and charge money for the privledge. I know I would pay good money to learn Dottish. It could go towards your cannon fund. And more Cumberland sausages.
    Love HS xox

  12. I love your writing. Sorry about the form. I love forms. I can’t not fill in forms.
    FUBAR is a relative of SNAFU and I think they both originated in the US Army during WWII.


    • Dear Maggie,

      I know where to send any future forms – watch your letterbox, they’ll be arriving thick and fast.

      Love Dotty xxx

  13. the howler and me

     /  April 26, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I am sick of filling out forms… I have to do it ALL THE TIME at work… I am thinking I need to start filling them in incorrectly.
    -the howler and me

  14. Dorothy

     /  April 26, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Wait a minute….I can ask for an interpreter too ( now that you’ve put the idea in my….I speak DOTTISH and believe me it aint nothing like English or Americansk. These pills have developed their own demented language of their own. I like that…DOTTISH.
    But I also like forms and filling them out because I feel superior to the form creator and I like to catch them in grammatical errors. I also like to yell at the form and question the sanity of the form creator. It’s the highlight of my day. Unfortunately I also tend to leave my forms in piles on the table and forget about them until it’s too late and then they call me on the phone wanting to know if I received their form or if I am dead or some other gobbledy gook. Stupid people!
    Love Dorothy

    • Dear Dorothy,

      Dottish is the very best language except sometimes when I can’t understand what I’m saying – but now I know you speak it too I can ask you, ‘Dorothy, what am I saying?’ and you can interpret for me. 🙂

      Love Dotty xxx

  15. I don’t ‘like’ this post, I ‘LOVE’ this post! So original, inventive, entertaining, hysterical!

  16. Dear Dotty, Honey,

    Congratulations for toughing that out! I have ignored forms that make the difference between Medicaid and no coverage at all!

    Good for you!




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