Little Emily Is Dying And Dotty Might Have Destroyed The Universe (If I Have – Sorry Everyone)


She’s had a relapse, a bad one. Branwell came last night, but they don’t need me to go up there because Charlotte and Anne are home again. I’m so worried about her I’ve done something I probably shouldn’t have done – I gave Branwell my emergency course of antibiotics that I keep for emergencies and I told him to sneak them to her at the correct times. Like I said, I probably shouldn’t have given them to him but I can’t stand the thought of her being so ill when the very medicine that could make her better is sitting in my medicine cupboard doing nothing. 

But the big question I’ve been asking myself since is – might I be fucking about with TIME and FATE and HISTORY? Might the universe POP or IMPLODE or TURN UPSIDE DOWN or FLOAT AWAY or something just as devastating if little Emily doesn’t stay ill and die when she’s supposed to? Who knows – I don’t know and you don’t know either, the only people who profess to know are the UNIVERSE BOFFINS and all they know is how to talk a load of SCIENTIFIC WORDY SHITE about their THEORIES. But really they don’t know any more than we do – they’re just GUESSING in their SCIENTIFIC UNIVERSE BOFFIN ways of guessing and getting paid a fucking great shedload of money to do so.

Why are there no UNIVERSE BOFFINS who specialise in COMMON SENSE? For instance, when they prattle on about the BALLOON THEORY – I’ve never heard one of them ask ‘What’s on the OUTSIDE of the balloon?’ because common sense says the balloon has to expand into SOMETHING. And what colour is the balloon? (I hope it isn’t yellow, I don’t like yellow balloons, they make me feel sick.) And why isn’t the balloon DEFLATING like old balloons do if they’ve hidden themselves behind the sofa for a week?


And did who ever blew it up use one of those BALLOON BLOWING PUMPS or did they blow it up with their lips and their breath?

And WHY did they blow it up?

A birthday? A wedding?

And is there any writing on the balloon?



CONGRATULATIONS (with a little picture of two horseshoes).

It’s all too complicated for my little addled brain to think about. But I’ve affected SOMETHING because WEIRD UNIVERSE TRICKS have already started –


What are the odds of that happening, eh?

TWO pens, the two pens I use – but I didn’t start using them at the same time, one was older than the other. I’ve left them both sitting on my kitchen worktop so I can try them again later to see if the INK HAS COME BACK because if it DOES come back it means TIME HAS REVERSED ITSELF and I’ll have to prepare myself for my front door de-bricking itself.


I’m going to have some Cumberland sausage sandwiches (my last?) and then a big swig of laudanum (my last?) and wait for Branwell to come and tell me how little Emily is doing. IF he comes.

Goodbye, my bloggy friends. It’s been nice knowing you.


Leave a comment


  1. What if its one of those mylar balloon? They last a long time, and they’re shiny.

  2. Dorothy

     /  April 28, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Since I have a vast wasteland of universal knowledge that I am just awakening to I will let you in on some of it. No, you are not messing around with the universe. Because Little Emily is not suppose to suffer and die because you DO have the medicine to help her. If you didn’t then that would be her outcome but since you have decided to help her then you are assisting her down one of the many paths which lay before her. Remember she could still choose NOT to take it. But I believe because of your influence she will be fine unless she chooses not to be.
    And lets hope the balloon hasn’t got one of those tiny little holes in it that make that shrieking sound and everyone looks at the dog.
    Love Dorothy

    • Dear Dorothy,

      So the universe is safe?

      I HATE that sound – and that other sound when someone messes with the mouth bit of it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. I’m going to go and have a read of my book, little Emily’s third novel ‘The Maudlin, Moody Man on the Moor’

  3. mmmmm….. laudenam.

  4. Dear Dotty,

    First, please give Emily my very best wishes — I hope she recovers. And if the end of the universe is here, I wish I was at you house. I imagine that would be a lot of fun!

    Loved reading your posts, And I hope we’re all around so I can read some more!



  5. Sounds as though you may have unwittingly slipped through the chronosynclastic infundibulum, perhaps with the help of the Tralfamadorians, as presented to us in Slaughterhouse Five. If so, go visit my fourth grade teacher and kick his bollocks a couple of times and tell him ye’ve been sent by Chance, the little boy he beat black and blue.

  6. I flew in a balloon once. Everything looked small and insignificant from up there. Not me, though. ME was bigger than ever. So big, ME could take in the whole universe if YOU had inadvertently blown it up. Don’t worry. Little Emily will be fine and become Big Emily. And mayhap fly in a balloon herself. Or not. Be fine, that is. Or fly in a balloon. But I pray to Ruby that you will always be fine. Or whatever it is you are. Besides a fine writer, that is.

    • Dear paralaxvu,

      Little Emily flew in a balloon across the ocean to see Uncle in the Attic (who has mysteriously disappeared). She liked it.

      Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dear Dotty,

    If had a day like that I’d be hitting the snuff pretty hard. Tell little Emily the Weebles are all pulling for her. Granted, that isn’t much help since they’re tiny and don’t have arms to pull anything with. But still, it’s the thought that counts.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you. I love Weebles – they remind me of better telly days –
      ♬ Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down!♬

      Love Dotty xxx

  8. Dear Dotty,
    It could be a helium balloon.
    Love HS xox

    • Dear HS,

      Possibly. It would need one of those little weights to keep it from floating around though.

      Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I thought about inhailing the helium, just for the fun of having a stupid voice, but then there would be no balloon.
        Love HS xox

      • Dear HS,

        THE UNIVERSE IN MY COLON – a great book title, don’t you think? 😉

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I’m going to bed now. I hope I don’t dream about the universe in your colon. But I would very much like to read it when you have finished it. I think there are probably a lot of cumberland sausages and McCains chippy chips in the universe that is your colon.
        Love HS xox

      • Dear HS,

        I think the universe we’re living in NOW is populated with human versions of Cumberland sausages and McCain’s Chippy Chips. And Hobnobs.

        Have a good sleep. 🙂

        Love Dotty xxx

  9. I leave for a few days to go to a wedding, and you try to destroy MY universe(s)… Whatever.


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