Not yet though. I haven’t finished writing it but when I do, and when it’s been published by Penguin or Random House or whoever bids the highest amount, you’ll be able to buy it and tell all your friends and family and followers to buy it too.
Here’s an exclusive preview of what I’ve written so far –
The
It’s BRILLIANT, isn’t it? The Man Booker Prize will be MINE – eat your heart out, hoity-toity literary fuckers, here comes DOTTY HEADBANGER to blow you out of the wordy-water with the best novel ever written in the history of novel-writing.
It’s about THE… something. Or someone. A woman or a man. Or it could be a child – yes, a child would work, people like children. Something bad happens to the child, then something worse happens, then something miraculous happens which brings about a change for the better, then the lesson is learnt and the child lives happily ever after.
Shite, I’ve just told you the ending – I can’t do the child now, I’ve spoilt it by blabbling.
THE man…? THE woman…? THE dog…? THE antelope…? THE house…?
Oh yes, I need to put in a PLOT WITH SOME ACTION IN IT, don’t I? And some CHARACTERISATION. And DIALOGUE (that’s easy, it’s just ‘he said, she said’ – note to self – don’t use anything but ‘said’), and a few nicely layered, grand THEMES - life, death, love, hate, etc etc. A VOICE and some LANGUAGE have to go in too, some ORIGINALITY, some PACE, RHYTHM and FLOW. And an UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING WHAMMY OF AN ENDING.
Hey, it’s like a big pot of soup, isn’t it? In go the carrots, onions, leeks, lentils, flavouring and all the rest of the shite you throw in your soup.
Okay, what else? SUSPENSE – I’ve already got that, you want to know what happens next, don’t you? Because do you see what I did there with my OPENING WORD, the one I carefully and painstakingly selected after weeks of thought? I chose this particular OPENING WORD because it immediately pulls you, the Reader, into the fictive dream I’ve created for you, it transports you to THE WORLD INSIDE MY NOVEL. There’s no AUTHOR INTRUSION, no FLOWERY PROSE, there’s just PURE DRAMATIC FICTION right from the start. BOSH.
The
I’m working on my SECOND WORD right now but I don’t know whether or not I’ll post it here in case some fucker plagiarises me. You can’t be too careful, authors are thieves and liars by nature (not me!), and I wouldn’t trust an author as far as I could throw it. Hmmm. What to do? I don’t know, I’ll decide when I’ve written my SECOND WORD and let you know, but be prepared, you’ll probably have to wait until the book is launched to read it WHEN YOU HAVE BOUGHT A COPY (hardback).
the howler and me
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
Perhaps your book will be about a Cumberland sausage… I think that would be AWESOME.
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear the howler and me,
‘The Cumberland sausage…’
No, no, I can’t, it’s all going too fast for me – that’s THREE words. I can’t cope.
Love Dotty xxx
Smaktakula
/ June 12, 2012Throw the literary world a curve all by choosing a pronoun for your second word.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Smaktakula,
What’s a pronoun?
Love Dotty xxx
Smaktakula
/ June 12, 2012It’s a noun which has given up its amateur status. I thought everyone knew that.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Smaktakula,
I knew it once, but boggly-brain happened and I’ve forgotten it all (seriously!)
Love Dotty xxx
Smaktakula
/ June 12, 2012Most of it’s not worth knowing anyway.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Smaktakula,
I know.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012I don’t read novels shorter that 3 words…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
Why?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012I can’t commit to a full novel in one sitting.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
But you could return to it time and time again so it could reveal its hidden layers and depths, something new discovered with each reading – in two seconds.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012I need at least four words for that.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
What are you, an intellectual?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012That’s five words. I can think about that for a week.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
Show off.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012Ah, short story!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
.
:-)
(That’s flash fiction by the way)
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 12, 2012Flash fiction! At first I thought you were making a comparison between my short story and a Cumberland sausage.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Misfit,
I’d never do such a thing.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
I suggest Shite for the second word.
Love Sailor xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear HS,
The Shite… of The World
It’s a possibility. I could add a hairy goat and tie it in with my Shitey Sunday Picture Post, Opheliama — a novel about Holman Hunt!! I’ll ask him if he’ll let me do it when I speak to him next.
Love Dotty xxx
Victor Tookes
/ June 12, 2012Are there going to be pictures for me to color? I’m getting so good at staying inside the lines!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Victor,
Yes, I like colouring in as well, there’ll be lots of pictures.
I think I know my second word.
It’s ‘End’.
The – picture picture picture picture picture picture picture (and so on for about 700 pages)- End. (And the full stop).
Sorted!
Love Dotty xxx
Victor Tookes
/ June 13, 2012Genius. Dotty, just when I thought I was incapable of loving you any more, you go and completely raise the bar.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Victor,
I love you too. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Grumpy
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
Go for it!
Grumpy x
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Grumpy,
Will you buy it?
Love Dotty xxx
Grumpy
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yes, I will buy it!
Grumpy x
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Grumpy,
Thank you! I’ll let you know when it’s done. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
rich
/ June 12, 2012love your attitude
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear rich,
Does that mean you’ll buy a few copies?
Love Dotty xxx
rich
/ June 12, 2012a few? of the same book?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear rich,
Yes.
Love Dotty xxx
Christopher De Voss
/ June 12, 2012I think your novel is finished. You should publish it just with the one word, leave the other 1000 pages blank. Call it a statement.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Chris,
Hmmm, that’s appealing. Yes, they could read all sorts of whatever they wanted into the modern art/literature of 1000 blank pages. Yep, forget the colouring in pages, I’ll do the blanks. I’ll keep my new second word though (it’s ‘End’) because I think it doubles the infinite meanings to be found in the pages, don’t you?
Thank you. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ June 12, 2012Where do I send my check to order a copy of your book?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Robin,
My publisher deals with that side of it.
Love Dotty xxx
Darren
/ June 12, 2012I’m not very happy about this, Dotty. That’s the exact same first word I used for my novel. I don’t know how, but it appears that you’ve ripped off my unpublished, Booker Prize worthy masterpiece.
Kindly put into print your second word, for if it’s Cumberland, I’ll know for sure!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Darren,
I think it’s YOU who’s trying to pull a fast one by saying I’ve nicked your first word when really you want to use MY first word because it’s perfect and now you’ve changed your whole novel to incorporate it.
My second word isn’t Cumberland, it’s ‘End’ – if you’ve used that too, I’m going to sue the arse off you. But the mere fact that you’ve used Cumberland suggests you have some mind-probing thingy set up to get to my ideas. How are you doing it?
Love Dotty xxx
Darren
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
If James Bond films have taught me one thing, it’s that the evil genius always reveals his hand to the hero before the final act. And so, casting myself in that role (swivelling round in black leather chair, stroking the white llama on my lap) I shall deliver to you my coup de gras.
In order to steal your novel, I firstly acquired a Cumberland sausage making factory, whereupon I proceeded to install tracking devices into each individual sausage (don’t worry, this should not have compromised the quality of the sausage). I knew that from the sheer quantity of Cumberlands you consumed that the signal would be magnified sufficiently for me to locate your whereabouts.
Having no further use for the sausage factory, I sold it and upgraded to a rather large utilities company, specialising in gas, and then went about having new pipes installed on your street. After that, the rest was easy. Shimmying down the pipes, I was able to steal into your house in the dead of night (treading carefully over a snoozing Kumblant) and hack into your computer (really? your password was cumberland…too easy!!)
The rest, as they say, is history…or should that be – The End!
Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Darren,
I found a strange hair on my laptop keyboard. It was your hair. I saved it in an empty Robinson’s jam jar (Strawberry, With No Bits) because I knew I’d need it. I’ve now sent it away to the genetic cloning lab, along with a hair that Kumblant kindly gave me from one of the hairy forest wild pigs that live in his country. The genetic cloning lab are more than happy to do as I’ve requested (they like fucking around with genes and shite) and they’ve begun the process of cloning both you and the hairy forest wild pig into one BEING with orders from ME incorporated into its new genes, and then they’ll replicate that BEING 9000 times and send them to all the publishers in Britain with the message ‘I AM DARREN AND I STEAL NOVELS’.
Love Dotty xxx
Darren
/ June 13, 2012My God! What have you done? You’ve created a monster. Incidentally, my DNA is 33% my own, 33% House Fly and 33% Jeff Goldblum – still, that’s my fault for not cleaning the bloody transporter out since I got it back off him (reference to comment on one of your earlier posts).
And so it is, the tables have been turned. Once 9000 Darrenpighairyflygoldblums are unleashed on the world, it will surely be armageddon.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Darren,
Armageddon as controlled by me, Dotty. Hehehehehehehe. I can set the Darrenpighairyflythings on ANYONE I WANT TO. I can’t wait.
Love Dotty xxx
rachelmiller1511
/ June 12, 2012Wow, it’s a mystery novel that will have millions of students writing exam essays on their own interpretations. Genius.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Rachel,
Ooooo, yes, I like that – helping future generations to THINK. A revolutionary change for education. ;-)
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 12, 2012When the audiobook comes out, please be the one who reads it!!!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dags,
I sound like a donkey.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 13, 2012That is exactly the kind of voice I like reading books to me. Sort of like Robert Newton as Long John Silver reading Dickens.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dags,
HA HA HA HA HA HA – I just watched a clip of him. His voice is very similar to mine but he is a bit posh, isn’t he?
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 13, 2012A bit, but he was definitely mental.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dags,
He seemed it. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
oh…it’s not about llamas…I’m disappointed :-(
but I’d still buy a copy!
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dorothy,
It can be about llamas if you want it to be. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 12, 2012Please, please tell me the last word will be END….. :D
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Brick,
YES IT IS!
Are you in on the mind-probing thingy with Darren?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 12, 2012I’m also going out on a limb and betting somewhere in the middle will be the word……YOU. Not sure how you will work it in, but I have faith you will
:D
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Brick,
Hmmmm. No. I might try and get the word FUCKING into it — THE FUCKING END. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. I’ve just realised, with the word FUCKING in it, I’ve added MULTIPLE LAYERS OF MEANING TO THE WHOLE NOVEL. :-)
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 13, 2012the book practically writes itself! :D
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Brick,
all the better for me! :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 13, 2012yep, easiest book you ever wrote…lol
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Brick,
What do you mean easy? I’ve sweated blood and tears over it.
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ June 12, 2012Perhaps the Woman Booker Prize…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
Perhaps the Fucker Booker Prize?
Love Dotty xxx
Ink. [Anette]
/ June 12, 2012It’s a very intriguing beginning Dotty 8-)
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Anette,
Thank you. That’s what I was striving for. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ June 12, 2012Dear Dotty,
I applaud you for not rushing your work. Too many authors zoom through their writing and then it turns out to suck. So you won’t have this problem.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
Thank you. I like to think I’m thorough. But I wish I could curb the urge to edit as I go along. I can’t bear the thought of a sloppy first draft.
Love Dotty xxx
cynthiashepp
/ June 12, 2012Too Funny!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear cynthia,
Hello. And thank you. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
thelastsongiheard
/ June 12, 2012How about…
THE Dog’s Bollocks????
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 12, 2012Dear tlsih,
YUK! I’m saying nothing about making a scratch and sniff book. Eeeeeeewwww.
Love Dotty xxx
thelastsongiheard
/ June 13, 2012LOL I never said anything about a scratch and sniff book either… that’s just your dirty mind at work :P
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear tlsih,
Me? A dirty mind? Never! :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Ripley Connor
/ June 13, 2012You know what I’m thinking for the second word: facehugger. It could be about my childhood! You can interview me if you’d like
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Ripley,
Thank you. I’ll keep you in mind for my next book. I think I’ve got this one sorted.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m waiting breathlessly — please don’t take too long. 8-)
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Judith,
I’ll try not to, but it’s an arduous task. 8-)
Love Dotty xxx
butimbeautiful
/ June 13, 2012Ok yes I did take your THE but my THE is in an entirely different context so there you can’t sue me!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear butimbeautiful,
I think I should be the one to decide that.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 13, 2012My novel is going to be published by Random Penguin House…
What exactly does BOSH mean? Is it like Boosh, and is it mighty?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear pmao,
No, it’s nothing to do with your ex-presidents.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 14, 2012not BUSH…boosh… it is an English comedy… the mighty boosh…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear pmao,
I didn’t watch it.
Love Dotty xxx
Lady Marilyn Kay Dennis
/ June 14, 2012“The noise in her head … “? I can see that developing nicely.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Lady Dennis,
Hmmm, you’ve given me an idea.
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ June 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
This BLOG is a magical novel. It just needs to go into print. Pictures and all.
Love,
Magic
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 24, 2012Dear Magic,
Thank you. I think the picture of Jemima would make a nice front cover.
Love Dotty xxx