I got to sleep with a double-double dose of laudanum and a few glasses of absinthe and a handful of beta-blockers that I pretended were red Smarties. I was still starving when I woke up this morning but I had a good breakfast of –
MEAT (the Atkins Diet)
PORRIDGE (the calorie-counting Diet)
a BERRY (the Paleo Diet. Did cavemen eat Strawberry Cornettos?)
a SLIM-FAST CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE (the Slim-Fast Diet)
some MUESLI (the Boring Fuckers Healthy Eating Diet)
some SPECIAL K (the Special K 2 weeks Diet)
and my CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE SANDWICHES (Dotty’s Fucking Fat Arse Diet).
I was still a bit peckish so I sneaked in an item from the allowed foods on the Toast Diet list and I made a bit of toast (the Toast Diet).
It’s SO HARD, this dieting shite. How do all these skinny celebs manage to keep it up for always, especially when they have all that money to buy nice things to eat? They must be FUCKING MENTAL.