Hello, My Little Chickadumplings

 

I’m back.

Where have I been? Nowhere.

What have I been doing? I’ve been learning to fly. And I’ve finally mastered it.

I CAN FLY.

Not outside (because I have HERMITITIS and PEOPLE PHOBIA) but round the house from the living room to the bathroom, from the bathroom to the kitchen, from the kitchen back to the living room. Round and round, up and down, back and forward.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And I did it all by myself. I self-taught myself to FLY and even a BIRD doesn’t teach itself how to fly, its mum or dad teaches it. And I didn’t even use a FLYING MANUAL.

I started in my bedroom – top of the wardrobe to the bed (soft landing except for the big brass balls on each end of the footrail but they’re balls, they only leave bruises). The trick to flying is DO NOT JUMP because jumping is FUTILE, it has nothing to do with flying EXCEPT IF YOU’RE A HARRIER JUMP JET which I’m not. You have to keep in mind that what goes up must come DOWN even faster than when it went UP (this is some sort of science and physics gobbledy-shite to do with GRAVITY that I don’t understand but the SCIENCE BOFFINS can tell you all about it if you really want to know).

No, you mustn’t jump – what you do is you SPRING. From a crouching position on top of the wardrobe you do a little SPRING (from your ankles) and as you spring into the air you flap your arms SLOWLY (this is the mistake everyone makes – they flap-flap-flap like fuckers but FLAPPING LIKE A FUCKER DOESN’T WORK FOR HUMANS) and after the first eight hundred or so times you should start to feel a LIFT into the air instead of feeling a DROP, well not exactly a LIFT but something like a lift, it’s a strange feeling that’s hard to explain to someone who’s never flown before – but don’t worry, if you ever master flying like I have you’ll know what I mean. And then, once you get this LIFT feeling EVERY SINGLE time you spring from the top of the wardrobe to the bed, and once you’ve mastered the correct speed to flap your arms – suddenly, unexpectedly, IT WILL ALL FALL INTO PLACE AND YOU’LL BE FLYING.

Practice, practice, practice – and PERSEVERANCE. That’s why humans aren’t flying all over the place, not because they CAN’T FLY, it’s because they’re TOO LAZY to put in the time required to LEARN HOW TO FLY.

Word of warning – if you’re learning how to fly in your bedroom BE CAREFUL OF YOUR SPEED OR YOU’LL CRASH INTO THE BIG BIT OF WALL ABOVE YOUR BED AND KNOCK YOURSELF OUT AND WAKE UP WITH YOUR PILLOW SOAKED IN BLOOD THAT SPURTED FROM YOUR SPLIT LIP WHEN YOUR TOP FRONT TEETH BIT INTO IT, AND YOUR NOSE WILL HURT LIKE IT’S BROKEN (IT’S NOT, IT’S SWOLLEN BUT STRAIGHT) AND YOU’LL HAVE TWO BIG BLACK EYES BECAUSE YOUR FACE HIT THE WALL FIRST, AND YOU WON’T KNOW IF YOUR LEFT WRIST IS BROKEN OR JUST SPRAINED BUT YOU STILL HAVEN’T GOT AN X-RAY MACHINE OF YOUR OWN YET TO FIND OUT BECAUSE THE DONATIONS HAVE DRIED UP AND NO ONE WILL BUY YOU ONE. AND YOU’LL HAVE A TWISTED KNEE.

But whatever pain you’re in, whatever injuries you sustain, whatever you break, sprain, bruise, cut or twist – IT’S ALL WORTH IT. It’s like childbirth or falling off a horse or a bike – you forget the agony and do it again because what it gives you in the long run is FREEDOM.

(NB – Having a baby doesn’t give you freedom, I just added the childbirth bit to show you how PAINFUL learning to fly can be).

 

 

So now I have to catch up on answering a big pile of comments and reading OVER 600 POST NOTIFICATION EMAILS (oh fuck) because I didn’t come online AT ALL during my learning to fly days because I didn’t want to lose focus but now everyone’s been posting like POSTING FUCKERS - (what happened to the QUIET POSTING PERIOD)? I thought I’d found a way to strap my laptop onto the front of me so that when I’m flying round the house I can still READ YOUR BLOGS and click LIKE and DO A COMMENT - but it doesn’t work because I forgot I NEED MY ARMS TO FLY WITH.

And I forgot to do the Big Blog weekly stats thing before I started learning how to fly – I was keeping up to them too, I was doing them every Monday (almost, I was only a day late last week, I did them on Tuesday). So I’ve fucked that one up good and proper, haven’t I?

Oh well. Never mind.

I CAN FLY.

 

 

 

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104 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    I am not sure I want to learn how to fly if is THAT painful.
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      That’s another reason we don’t see humans flying around – everyone’s scared of a bit of pain but it really isn’t THAT bad if you compare it with NOT FLYING AT ALL. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Yay! I didn’t know it was that easy! Only 800 practices! MUCH better than those ten thousand hour virtuoso things they talk about.

    Reply
    • Dear butimbeautiful,

      I might just have a talent for it, but I don’t think so – EVERYONE can do it if they really try. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. That was another excellent post today. Thanks so much for sharing. Keep up the fantastic job.

    Enjoy writing?

    Feel free to join our writing group – It’s worth getting into. It pays to write!

    Join Today – Writers Wanted

    Reply
    • Dear Writer Group,

      PISS OFF, YOU SPAMMER.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
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  4. Any flying i do is usually chemiclly induced or so I keep telling my doctor….lol but I’d love to whizzing around my flat like Tinkerbelle.sprinkllin magic dust everywhere….but then I’d need a cleaner..nice to see you back:)

    Reply
  5. congrats on learning to fly! did you make yourself a shiny pilots badge to go with it? if not you should do! is it a bird? is it a plane? no its super Dotty!

    Reply
  6. Chocks Away Dotty!

    Reply
  7. Dorothy

     /  August 10, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I can fly too but haven’t done it in years. All I have to do is smoke pot ,….oops did I say that? (that is if I inhale) and sometimes I ended up on the floor too. Now I behave myself. But I admire your stick to it iveness ( what is the word I’m trying to think of????) God that drives me nuts!! I bet the feeling is wonderful and worth every ounce of pain you’ve felt. Kudos for you!!
    Love Dorothy

    p.s. Glad you’re back too!

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      It is. And when I’m flying I don’t FEEL the pain. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • I couldn’t help myself here…stick-to-itiveness is a word. You just needed to hyphenate it. It means dogged perseverance or–get ready for it, this is what I think you were looking for–tenacity. And our Ms. Dotty has nothing if not tenacity, dogged perseverance and, yes, STICK-TO-ITIVENESS! Keep on truckin’, Ms. Dott. I mean, keep on flyin’…

      Reply
      • Dorothy

         /  August 13, 2012

        Dear paralaxvu,
        perseverance!! thank you!
        It can drive me crazy when my brain quits mid sente

    • mmm I agree with Dorothy and Dotty.. double “D” -light up and zoooom fly

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    I bet flying is a blast! It’s a good skill for a She-Hermit to have!

    You needn’t answer my older posts if you don’t want to, or don’t have time. I haven’t written much of any worth lately anyway.

    Love you, and congratulations!

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Now all I need is the skill of invisibility (Harry Potter, give me your cloak!!!!)

      I’ve just been to your blog a little while ago. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Dear, Dotty

    Glad you are back…missed your posts.

    Red xx

    Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    Please be careful of the ceiling light fixtures! Also, just think, even as one person flying around your bedroom, you’re still a better airline than Ryanair.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  11. prewitt1970

     /  August 10, 2012

    Time for a deep breath.

    Reply
    • Dear Benjamin,

      I can’t do two at the same time – if I try to do the second one while I’m still full of the first one, the first one comes out and it isn’t there any more. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. prewitt1970

     /  August 10, 2012

    Time for a deep breath.

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,

    Thank you for this informative post! Now I know what I was doing wrong — I was flapping like a fucker! I need to slooooooowwwwwwwww doooooooooowwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

    Love,
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Dear Kathy,

      YES! Or you’ll just FLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP and you’ll never get any further than the bottom of your bed. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  14. I don’t have a wardrobe to spring off, only a chest of drawers. Not to mention that there are sisters (well, one sister) on the floor below me who might wonder what on earth is going on if I started trying to fly. I fear they already think I’m mad enough.

    I was starting to wonder where you’d got to – and I apologise for adding to the posts to read as I did manage to do an update this last week!!

    Xxx

    Reply
    • Dear fhc,

      But if you found a way to learn to fly you could teach all the sisters to do it too. I bet they’d LOVE IT. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. We had Harrier jump jets on the aircraft carrier I was on…
    I am not built to fly, and I could never focus for long enough to get good. But I might give it a shot.

    Reply
    • Dear pmao,

      An ex boyfriend used to be an engineer in the RAF but he never got off the ground because he was scared of heights. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  16. Dear Dotty,

    I think “chickadumpling” is my new favorite word.

    I can fly too – chickadees must fledge or die. Glad you’ve joined the flock.

    Sincerely,

    DeeDee

    Reply
  17. It’s great you have a new pastime but you might need to work on your landings…or get one of those funny pilot helmets and protective gear… dressing up could be fun & add to the whole vibe. If you do, remember us, and post a piccie ;)

    Reply
  18. Next: teaching ravens to fly underwater

    Reply
  19. kzackuslheureux

     /  August 11, 2012

    they flap-flap-flap like fuckers but FLAPPING LIKE A FUCKER DOESN’T WORK FOR HUMANS) Dear Dotty, so so hilarious! I want to fly like I do in my dreams, ‘oh crap, they’re after me, I need to just lift into the air,’ and there I go, getting away from scoundrels and flying for the fun. Love, Alphabet

    Reply
    • Dear Alphabet,

      That’s where I got the idea to do it for real – my dreams! And I thought, okay if I can’t go out and WALK in the street (where people are), what if I could go out and FLY OVER THE BASTARDS so they couldn’t see me. I just have to pluck up the nerve to do it now. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  20. Dear

    .

    X

    P.S. Don’t eat kim chee before a job interview

    Reply
  21. Wow you described it perfectly! Did you know that if you hold your hands down by your sides and just flap your hands you can hover float instead of walking? People barely even notice as your feet are only centimeters off the ground. Also, you should try somersaults in the air…and back flips that is awesomely cool. You’re welcome to fly over to my place any time..we can fly the coup together!

    Reply

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