Dotty The Cosmic Orderer Who Asked The Universe For £148m But Didn’t Get It


The £148m should have been MINE. It WAS mine, I asked the Universe for it – when Andy Murray won the Gold I dug out my Cosmic Ordering book because I thought if Cosmic Ordering worked for Andy it’ll work for me, and I’ve been Cosmic Ordering my arse off ever since with varying degrees of success. Here are my successes –


1) my Cumberland sausages haven’t burnt AT ALL since I asked the Universe not to burn them

2) my learning to fly injuries on my face are healing up nicely after I asked the Universe to help them heal up nicely

3) Lottie hasn’t been in touch since I asked the Universe to make her go away

4) life has been quiet and free of stupid fuckers since I asked the Universe to make my life quiet and free of stupid fuckers (this one’s a bit iffy, I only asked the Universe for it last night so we’ll have to wait and see)

5) I won the £148m Euromillions jackpot last Friday


Did you read #5? Eh? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED but somehow it didn’t, somehow my £148m WAS STOLEN FROM ME and found its way DOWN SOUTH WHERE THE RICH FUCKERS LIVE.



I need to go now and talk to the Universe to find out what happened.

Aha – a thought – maybe the Universe is teasing me, like it did with Andy when it gave Wimbledon to Federer BUT THEN IT GAVE ANDY THE GOLD.





Leave a comment


  1. Dear Dotty,

    You’re always a winner in my eyes anyway. 🙂

    Best banana wishes for a Wordy Wednesday xxx

  2. Dear Dotty, Thanks for using your special forces to help Andy win. It made my day to see him so happy. I thought he was going to propose to his girlfriend. (I’m sad, but a romantic-yeah right!!) If you try your forces again to win the lottery, could you mention me in Plymouth? Thanks. Your best bet is to catch the Universe at around 3pm. It’s inundated with orders up ’til then. I know there won’t be £148m in the kitty but anything would do me. I wish you the best of luck and hope they realise the great work you’re doing. Go Dotty Go!!!!!Love from Christine who has just found 10p on the coffee table Yay!!!!

    • Dear Christine,

      Anything would do me too. Can I borrow your 10p?

      Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty, You really ARE poor then. Oh, OK you can borrow it. I don’t need it. Spend it wisely though. Love Christine xx

      • Dear Christine,

        I am. Very.

        Thank you. I’ll put it towards a new candle to power my laptop.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I have candles so save your 10p. I’ll send them your way. They get on my wick anyway.

        23rpijvg,j bb8675967459075-89=-0bhvytge43wezdxhgciy5elxhg!”£$%^&*^(*_)(_+)(*&^%$£”

        OUCH. Blinkin’ flame…..Dotty….Can I have one back? I need the light to send this.

        Love Christine xx

      • Dear Christine,

        Candle on its way. It’s the big blue one. 🙂

        Love Dotty xxx

    • Weird! I found 10p too… and I live in Canada, where they no longer even have the good grace to put the Queen’s head on banknotes.
      Gold in straight sets… why couldn’t he do that the other week, when he was getting paid for it?! Plainly not a Yorkshireman…

      • Dear QE,

        I haven’t found 10p yet and I’ve been hunting down the back of the couch and the chairs.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • How spooky! I wonder if Dotty has used her special powers to plant 10p pieces in random places. (I think she’s won the lottery and is sharing out her winnings…shh don’t tell her we know)

        I think Andy could feel the support of his fans (and Dotty’s special force) and it meant more to him than winning the huge amount of money at Wimbledon. He’s Scottish which…well I aint going to upset anyone. 🙂

  3. Well, given that the Universe faces conflicting demands, and only one ticket wins the 148 million Euros, then It has to make a choice. Which means It can be bribed. And if you don’t bribe It then you don’t stand a chance of getting the big things you want.

    Basically It runs a franchise operation, with a different religion managing each store. Unless you’re a customer at one of them – doesn’t matter which – you’re not on their database and your orders won’t reach a customer service representative. Obviously, how much you spend at the store of your choice is a huge factor, unless they’re just messing with your head. Like Viv Nicholson.

    Hope that helps.

    • Dear poet,

      Ages ago I purchased a pile of novenas from one of the shops, but I don’t go there any more. Should I go back? What if I use my Tesco Club Card instead? Will that work?

      Love Dotty xxx

      • I don’t know, Dotty. Maybe you’re just a bad person ;). It never worked for me either. Last time I won anything was 30 shillings in a slot machine as a teenager. Don’t even win raffle prizes.

      • Dear poet,

        Me neither. It’s shite. Lucky fuckers win it all.

        Love Dotty xxx

  4. Maybe the universe is waiting so it can give you more money. Either that or a crowbar to go and thug the winners 😉

    • Dear Mondrak,

      I think it WILL give me more money but I don’t mind foregoing big stupid millions – one teensy little million would be more than enough for me.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. I have a selection of crowbars for different situations. I’ve named them all. The guy who won my money looked BIG so I think I’d have to take THE SUPREME with me. Or maybe THE SKULLFUCKER. 🙂

  5. My half hasn’t hit my bank account either. Must be a bank error. I called the bank, bloody banks, I was on hold for hours… so I sent an email “Dear Universe, Re: £148m. Funds gone astray. Your soonest attention to rectifying and applying funds to appropriate accounts would be appreciated. Best Regards, EllaDee & Dotty Headbanger”.

    • Dear Ella,

      I got an email back from the Universe –

      Dear EllaDee & Dotty Headbanger,

      I deeply regret your funds going astray. I located them in my bank account in Nigeria. If you’d like to give me your bank account numbers I’ll forward the money immediately.

      Yours sincerely
      The Universe

      Love Dotty xxx

  6. Dear Dotty,
    Why the UNIVERSE allows some twats to win the lottery, and not others, is all part of a greater wisdom than I will ever understand. I have a LUCKY DIP every Wednesday and Saturday. But how the lottery people have the nerve to call it a LUCKY DIP is beyond me. It’s anything but LUCKY. All my LUCKY DIPS have been UNLUCKY. Could The lottery people be sued for a violation of The Trade Descriptions Act?
    Grumpy x

    • Dear Grumpy,

      Yes! Sue them. I’ve never won with a Licky Dup either. 🙂

      Love Dotty xxx

    • This is to Mr Grumpy…Dotty….
      If it wasn’t for BAD luck I wouldn’t have ANY LUCK at all. Luckily I have lots of BAD LUCK. I sometimes think the lottery people know more than they let on. I pick 18 and they drop the 19 ball. I pick 27 and they drop 28. They don’t like me. Do you have that problem with your balls too? 🙂

  7. Oh Universe, you’re such a tease!

  8. Stupid universe.

  9. Dear Dotty,

    Here’s my thought on this: Andy placed his Cosmic Order for the win at Wimbledon and didn’t get it, but he got the gold medal soon after that. So when you placed your order for that £148 million, you didn’t get it, but you’ll probably win another lottery very soon with an even higher payout.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      It’ll be my luck to win the £2.8o or whatever it is for the fewest numbers and the Universe to call it my big win.

      Love Dotty xxx

  10. Dorothy

     /  August 15, 2012

    Dear Universe,
    Thank you for giving Dotty what you have allotted her so far but you forgot one teeny tiny thing. Please see to it. And while you’re at it make my headache disappear. Thank you for all you do.
    Love your humble, faithful servant

  11. Dear Dotty,

    All the universe could ever say is no — so keep on asking. If the universe doesn’t come through with the lottery money, tell me, and I’ll give its ass a good swift kick!

    And congrats on the Cumberland Sausage successes — but if I were you, I’d really broaden my horizons — maybe even ask for some chips, or some crisps, or something big like that!


    Judith 😎

    • Dear Judith,

      I asked for some Chicken & Stuffing Sandwich Spread and it arrived today!

      There’s another Euromillions draw tomorrow night. The jackpot isn’t as big as last week’s, but it’ll do for me. 🙂

      Love Dotty xxx

  12. Three years from now they’ll be broke and hawking their story to some tacky rag. Mark my words.

  13. Dear Dotty,
    I hope you get the money. I’ma have to ask the universe for some lottery money too. Oooh wait, remember that sweet, loving letter I wrote to the universe way back when I broke my arm? Well, fuck. All I got was a burning kitchen that day! FUCK YOU UNIVERSE. NO, no, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I love you. Please help me and Dotty win the lottery.
    Love xoxoxxx


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