I know everything there is to know about KNOWING NOTHING AT ALL which qualifies me to dispense as many wise words of wisdom as I feel like dispensing to educate the people who think they know everything about EVERYTHING.
I’ll begin with some well known idioms.
A fool and his money is a good friend to have.
A leopard can’t change his socks.
Every cloud has a bigger cloud following it.
A picture paints a thousand NOTHINGS because pictures can’t paint, you twat.
An apple a day keeps the dentist busy because eating so much natural sugar will ROT YOUR TEETH.
If the shoe fits, find the other one – one shoe is USELESS unless you only have one foot.
Don’t put all your eggs in your mouth at once. You’ll choke.
Out of sight, out of sight.
Blood is thicker than Absinthe, but it doesn’t taste as nice even when you combine the two to make a cocktail.
Too many cooks have undeclared dirty diseases. NEVER EAT ANYTHING YOU HAVEN’T COOKED YOURSELF.
A bird in the hand is worth ME PUNCHING YOU IN THE NECK. DON’T TOUCH THE LITTLE BIRDIES, YOU’LL SCARE THEM.
Feel free to add your own.
P.S. Yesterday I had a tomato with my breakfast Cumberland sausage sandwich. Today I had another tomato with my breakfast Cumberland sausage sandwich. I might have one again tomorrow and see where all this healthy eating takes me. Fuck, I might end up eating FRUIT in a few months time if I carry on like this.
Mondrak
/ August 21, 2012LMAO! I love the, idioms
I might use some of them myself.
Here’s one I saw the other day: “An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough”
“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?”
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Mondrak,
An Up North version of the woodchuck thingy –
How much oil would a gumboil boil if a gumboil could boil oil?
Love Dotty xxx
Mondrak
/ August 21, 2012LOL love it
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Mondrak,
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ August 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
Tomatoes are fruit, and the only fruit I will eat – because I don’t have a sweet tooth and therefore do not like fruit. Give me Brussels Sprouts and mashed swede (the vegetable, not an *actual* Swede) any day of the week.
I may have to try blood with my Absinthe next time… unless it’s going to make me sleepwalk like it did last night! On the other hand, sleepwalking is very entertaining to my husband, who gets to tell me about all the stupid pratty things I did while he thought I was awake.
Love, Missus Tribble xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Don’t tell anyone but I love proper turnips, the little white ones. And butternut squash, and sweet potatoes. And parsnips.
I don’t think I’ve ever sleep-walked, but I have sleep-strangled. My dead husband, ex-Simon, used to tell me when I did it but I don’t think he found it entertaining.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ August 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
I love turnip too! And butternut squash, sweet potatoes, radish, beetroot, all the green things you can think of and parsnips. I just love my veggies! You really do need to try Nasturtium seed pods (and leaves, stalks and petals) because they are delish! I’ve pickled my seed pods to make “faux capers” but almost ate them all before I could get it done!
I sleepwalk quite often; D will find me downstairs and I won’t remember even getting out of bed. He’s witnessed me on the internet typing IN MY SLEEP. I once woke up and found myself standing over my son’s cot, which was freaky.
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Can you grow Nasturtium indoors?
I know someone who used to have night terrors when he was a little boy. It was awful, he’d act like he was wide awake, eyes open, talking – but he wasn’t -he was absolutely petrified of whatever he was dreaming about. He used to sleepwalk too.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ August 22, 2012Dear Dotty,
You can grow Nasturtiums indoors, outdoors, in tubs, in window boxes… pretty much everywhere.
That poor kid. I hope he grew out of it.
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
I’ll get some seeds.
He did.
Love Dotty xxx
EllaDee
/ August 21, 2012Harking back to your previous post… “what annoys an oyster most? a noisy noise annoys an oyster most”…
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Ella,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I hadn’t heard that one. I can’t get past the second ‘annoys’ – it just comes out as ‘annoys a noise a noise a noise’
Love Dotty xxx
joehoover
/ August 21, 2012Dotty, I applaud you, never were truer words spoken. Which is true because you wrote them instead of spekaing them.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Joe,
Did you clap long and loud and with great gusto?
Love Dotty xxx
joehoover
/ August 22, 2012Of course, people mistook me for someone who had escaped from the variety club sunshine coach
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 23, 2012Dear joe,
Darby or Joan?
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ August 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
Too late, my friend. In the good old USA, tomatoes are fruit, and for school lunches, ketchup is a vegetable. Can you believe it — I knew you could!
I love your idioms — I think I’ll put this post on my home page for a while to stay current. After all, in the good old USA, we have LOTS of idiots, many of them clergy and politicians. This way I won’t have to ask you.
A stitch in time save a big-ass hole in your pants.
My mom used to say, Red at night, Sailor’s delight, Red in the morning, Sailors take warning. I would change the last to “too much fucking around and drinking the night before!”
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Judith,
Well yes, they ARE fruit but they’re not FRUITY FRUIT so they don’t count as fruit.
Love the stitch in time!!
True fact — I use the shepherd version to check the weather – ‘Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning’.
Love Dotty xxx
facelikeafryingpan
/ August 21, 2012Okay. I woke up determined to maintain a grizzly mood and you have officially thwarted my efforts. Thanks for forcing me into a state of glee.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear flafp,
I can’t help saying your name out loud when I type it as an acronym – it’s the funniest one ever – flafp, flafp, flafp.
Love Dotty xxx
facelikeafryingpan
/ August 22, 2012It is catchy, isn’t it. You’ve officially given me new nickname.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear flafp,
I think you should write a song about yourself, a romantic love song like Tell Laura I Love Her – Tell Flafp I Love Her.
Love Dotty xxx
facelikeafryingpan
/ August 22, 2012haha! I like that! To heck with Laura. She’ll have to find herself another song.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 23, 2012Dear flafp,
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ August 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
From the words of Dottyism. Buddha will be jealous.
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear John,
I hope so. I’ve been cultivating a belly like Buddha’s for ages now. I’m nearly there.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 21, 2012You left out; It is better to give than to recieve, especially advice…
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear pmao,
Yes – it is! Everyone else’s advice is SHITE!
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 22, 2012They can’t help it.
Seb
/ August 21, 2012Build a man a fire and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Seb,
I’m going to try that one.
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ August 21, 2012Dear Ms. Headbanger,
People who live in glass houses should keep their fucking clothes on.
Regards,
S.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
And stop biting their toenails.
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ August 21, 2012Dear Ms. Headbanger,
A bird in hand is worth two in the bush unless those birds are particularly well hung.
Forgive me. I’m feeling a bit vulgar today.
Regards,
S.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
Don’t be vulgar, it doesn’t become you.
Love Dotty xxx
westwickletimes
/ August 21, 2012Charity begins at home. (that doesn’t mean it begins and ends just at your home you tight fisted bastard. Would it hurt you to buy one can of beans for the woman working for the food bank.)
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear wwt,
Yes it would hurt me to buy a tin of beans for the woman working for the food bank because she WORKS FOR THE FOOD BANK! She probably goes home every night with five tins of beans and a packet of custard creams in her bag.
Love Dotty xxx
Chris.
/ August 22, 2012Dear Dotty, I always get mine mixed up. I say to kill one bird with two stones. That way those seagulls after your chips in Looe will know to stay away from me. Especially if I’ve ‘got out the wrong side of my bed’ (If I did that I would hit my head on the wall). I love your idioms. (Not a euphemism Dotty)
Love from Christine xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Chris,
The more stones you use, the better.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ August 22, 2012Two wrongs made David Cameron.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 23, 2012Dear misfit,
Two wrong Rights.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ August 23, 2012You’re loopy.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 26, 2012Dear misfit,
Yep.
Love Dotty xxx
Maggie O'C
/ August 24, 2012You’ve buttered your bread now you have to lie in it.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 26, 2012Dear Maggie,
Buttery bed.
Love Dotty xxx
Maggie O'C
/ August 26, 2012Dear Dotty,
More than one person that I have said that to has been perplexed by it. Sigh.
Love, Maggie
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 28, 2012Dear Maggie,
Love Dotty xxx
tinyfrogs
/ August 26, 2012Pineapples don’t have sleeves.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/04/20/nyregion/21pineapple-document.html
I learned the leopard one from Sir Pratchett with shorts instead of spots.
My love for flafp,
Tiny
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 26, 2012Dear tinyfrogs,
Hello
LOVE IT!
Love Dotty xxx