Hidey-Holes For Hermits


I need a new hidey-hole. Why? Because I want one.

Here’s a list of the hidey-holes I already have —


under my bed – a normal place to hide

under the bed in the spare room – another normal place to hide

in the cupboard under the stairs – normal

in my kitchen cupboards – also normal except I can’t hide there any more because that’s where my collections of Heinz Salad Cream squeezy bottles, Colman’s Horseradish Sauce jars, Carnation Caramel tins, and Suma Tomato Puree tubes live. Oh, and my Atora Suet boxes live there too.

in my airing cupboard– I’ve already told you about my airing cupboard.

in my tumble dryer – I’ve already told you about my tumble dryer (a few times).

in my washing machine – I haven’t told you about my washing machine because the general consensus is that people who hide in their washing machines are EVEN MORE MENTAL than people who don’t hide in their washing machines but might still hide in their tumble dryers. I don’t really see the difference, they’re both used for laundry.

in my wardrobe – a small part of my collection of self-help books lives there. The other parts of my self-help book collection live in the stacks on the stairs. My clothes are in – hang on, where ARE my clothes? I know where some of them are, who moved the rest of them?

on top of my wardrobe – I can’t hide there any more because in order to do my flying I had to demolish the structure I’d built to enclose the space between the top of my wardrobe and the ceiling, and I need to keep it demolished or I won’t have anywhere to take off from.

in my air raid shelter that I built under my kitchen – what’s down there? I can’t remember. I think I put some collections down there but fuck knows which ones. I’ll have a look later when I can be arsed.

in the new wheelie bin I conned the council into giving me – I told them someone had nicked my second wheelie bin so they’d bring me a brand new one when really I’ve never had two wheelie bins, I’ve only ever had ONE. And no, I haven’t made a going-outside breakthrough, my brand new wheelie bin is in my kitchen next to my cooker where it’s nice and warm.

in my loft – I don’t like going up there for three reasons – SPIDERS and MOTHS and THE TRAMP WHO MIGHT BE SECRETLY LIVING UP THERE and sneaking in and out when I’m not looking, and stealing my CLOTHES (YES! that’s where they are!!!!!!!) and stealing my Cumberland sausages when I’ve cooked a big batch and put some in the fridge but when I go to eat them the next day they’re NOT THERE because the FUCKING THIEVING RONKER IN MY LOFT HAS STOLEN THEM AND SCOFFED THE LOT and he’s stolen my Asda Toffee Cheesecakes too because I had FOUR in the fridge yesterday and now I don’t have ANY because he must have crept down in the night and ATE THEM and put the empty tubs OUTSIDE IN THE BIN because he knows I don’t go outside so I won’t see the evidence. My Asda Toffee Cheesecakes that I was saving for after my tea tonight. BASTARD. When I catch him I’ll Asda HIS fucking price.


Where’s my AXE?



Leave a comment


  1. I need a new hidey-hole! Your list has given me some great ideas. Thanks.

  2. Dorothy

     /  August 22, 2012

    I’ve posted a poem comment for you on my blog Dotty, it also contains a photo in comment.
    Love Dorothy

  3. I still do not understand what the heck an airing cupboard is… I am just a dang colonial, after all.

  4. Dear Dotty, dear,

    Have you tried the clothes hamper? Do you have any bureaus or chests of drawers with lots of spare room?. My sister once made a hidey hole for her cat in a chest of drawers; she loved it, and maybe you would too.

    Actually, empty out a large chest of drawers, and make a little fort inside. You could nail the fronts back on, and cut a come-and-go hole for yourself in the back!

    See — who loves you, baby?!



  5. Please only use the axe on the tramp in the loft.

    Could you use some of the bedding from the airing cupboard to put over the back of the sofa so you can safely hide beind the sofa?


    • Dear fhc,

      I will when I catch him.

      Behind my sofa, along the back wall, is a row of bookcases. In the gap between the bookcases and my sofa are stacks of MORE books. There’s no room for me. 😦

      Love Dotty xxx

  6. Let me get this straight……You have a tramp in your attic? 🙂

  7. Dear Dotty,
    I don’t know about the airing room.
    I must investigate.
    Love, Lisxoxox

  8. I can’t help but think that if you tell people where your hidey holes aren’t hey know where to look for you when they come to get you. That’s pretty much what did for old Osama, you know.

  9. You have a lovely selection of hidey holes but may I suggest, restock the Asda Toffee Cheesecakes, and Cumberland sausages, make a cup of tea, throw a big tablecloth over the kitchen/dining table, and have an undertable picnic. No-one will know you’re there 🙂

    • Dear Ella,

      I would but I can’t. My collection of JAWS memoribia lives under there. People sent me loads of items when I launched my exercise programme. 😦

      Love Dotty xxx

  10. If you hide far enough inside your wardrobe, do you fall out the back into a magical kingdom where its always winter and the animals talk to you?


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