I can’t think today. I couldn’t think yesterday either because Manglebrain is doing his demonic thing. He’s chewing my frontal lobes and all I can hear are slurps and smacks and chomps and crunches. He has NO MANNERS. I’ve tried giving him PROPER Cumberland sausages, not the fake Linda ones, but it isn’t working, he prefers brain.
He wants to make a pact with me but I won’t listen, and I also won’t read what he’s written which is difficult because he’s scrawled ALL OVER EVERYTHING in my house, he’s even written something in the dust on the screen of my laptop (this laptop) and I’ll have to DUST IT OFF with my little pink laptop duster that I can’t find because I haven’t used it for ages.
I’m tired. He keeps me awake most nights, whispering his shite –
MANGLEBRAIN REX, CALUMNIATOR, CRIMINATORE, ACCUSER, SCOURGE, NOISOME BREATH OF ASTAROTH, WIND OF CHANGE AM I.
I AM CENTRE, I AM CIRCUMFERENCE, SWIFT IN MOTION WITHOUT FEET.
I EAT.
I EAT.
and all sorts of complete bollocks like that, on and on and on.
I don’t know what to do.
stuff I said
/ September 4, 2012Dear Dottie,
Sending lots of hugs!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Red,
STAND BACK! I don’t want him to get you!
Love Dotty xxx
Pat
/ September 4, 2012Get him drunk. Stick him with a large gin and tonic and when his back is turned, write him out of existence! :-)
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Pat,
I can’t, I’m teetotal so I don’t keep any drink in the house.
Love Dotty xxx
Pat
/ September 4, 2012Chocolate? Overload on Caffeine and chocolate instead?
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Pat,
I do that anyway. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ September 4, 2012Let him have a little brain, I’m sure you’ve got enough to spare. Maybe you could let him eat the bits which you want to get rid of.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear misfit,
I tried asking him to eat the rotten, nasty bits but he’s greedy, he wants it all.
Love Dotty xxx
Christopher De Voss
/ September 4, 2012You need a priest!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Chris,
NO! NOT A PRIEST!
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ September 4, 2012A priest?! Are you mad!?
Sterling Silva
/ September 4, 2012Dear Ms. Headbanger,
I shall be there post-haste. I believe I have the correct address this time.
-S
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
What can you do? What can ANYONE do? I’m DOOMED.
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ September 4, 2012Ms. Headbanger,
What can I do? The dreadly forces of the hein cower before me. I’ve never faced Manglebrain, but I’ve faced his ilk. Faced and won. I realize your reluctance to let me into your home. I can work from my own domicile, but I need your blessing.
-S
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
Thank you, but things are quiet at the moment. If (when) Manglebrain starts his shenanigans again, I’ll let you know.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ September 4, 2012Dear Dotty,
Try making him watch Doctor Who with you. He might settle down.
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
He won’t. He smashed the telly because he said Jason on Coronation Street was looking at him funny.
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 4, 2012I suggest performing a full banishing ritual or getting some really good cleaners. Trouble is, decent cleaners don’t come cheap and the price of frankincense has rocketed after the recent unrest in the Middle East. Perhaps you should charge for your advice and purchase one or both?
Love and regards
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear Dave,
I advertised for a cleaner not so long ago but no one applied.
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 4, 2012Do you live in an inaccessible area perhaps, or are there no people about?
I’d offer to help but am somewhat physically fucked with a rare condition – looking on the bright side the illness has got a great name…
How’s that for a cliffhanging ending to a reply?
I remain, madam, fucked but enthusiastic
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dave,
No, I advertised on here for an OCD person who needed more of a challenge.
Sorry you’re physically fucked – I’m mentally fucked, it’s ALL fucking fucked up, isn’t it?
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 5, 2012I can see how everything can be seen to be fucked, but I’m a die-hard optimist so wouldn’t accept it even when it’s obvious. If you hadn’t said anything about yourself, you would appear fine to me.
I don’t know enough about OCD to evaluate whether your advert was a good idea or otherwise – how big was the target audience?
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare incurable condition called Palindromic Arthritis (funny name for a nasty illness) It’s like rheumatoid arthritis but comes and goes (hence name) It causes inflammation of any synovial joint and flares up and goes away in about 2 days. At first I thought someone had a voodoo doll and was doing nasty things to it :)
Imagine telling an unsympathetic hard-faced Atos health care professional that :) The nurse I saw hadn’t heard of the condition, told me it was something else, then when I’d convinced her it was kosher, told me not to refer to joints like the wrist as the carpal joint because ‘she wasn’t that kind of nurse’ :)
Sadly I never asked her what kind she was – I’m sure you could think of a few words…
I remain in chronic pain madam and continue to be your stimulated but (non-cleaning) servant
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dave,
I don’t understand optimism.
The target audience was as big as the amount of followers I had on this blog at the time. :-)
Oh, that sounds nasty. Atos are HENCHMEN for Adolf Cameron and his scummy, scammy NAZIS.
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 5, 2012Optimism is a state of false consciousness protecting against feeling depressed and giving up. Also it’s a nice word :)
Yep, Atos are all that and less :)
This arthritis is strange but worse things happen at sea – splash!
I remain wet all over, but strangely optimistic…
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dave,
I’d like to believe in optimism, it sounds nice and shiny. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 5, 2012Belief’s a risky business though – optimism’s more a practical process for me – also it rubs off on others, then they shine :)
I remain your shiny servant etc.
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dave,
“…also it rubs off on others, then they shine” – or they punch you. ;-)
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 5, 2012Fruit punch?
D xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear Dave,
Yes.
Love Dotty xxx
lowerarchy
/ September 7, 2012Clink clink :)
Morning matey xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear Dave,
Morning, m’dear. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
dan4kent
/ September 4, 2012Noisy, unrelenting, an effective insight into night noise. authentic.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear dan,
Yes, he is, he’s the most authentic DEMON I’ve ever had the misfortune to be possessed by.
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 4, 2012I want to give you a hug….but while I’m there I’ll secretly and gently squeeze your body like a tube of toothpaste and pop that demon out your mouth…then quickly tell him to piss off. Then give you another hug. Are you going to be OK? <3
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Thank you, if you could POP him out I’d be very grateful and give you unlimited Cumberland sausage sandwiches for the rest of your days.
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 5, 2012Just like a pimple!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
EEUUUUURRRGHHH!
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 5, 2012I know! But that is what I really wanted to do when I read your post. Fucking pop it out, wipe it on a tissue, then flush it down the toilet…..wish it was that easy babe. Jen xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Thank you for wanting to do that for me but I feel queasy now, my Cumberland sausage sandwich I had for breakfast is churning.
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 5, 2012Oh sorry babe. just hugs then. xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Thank you, hugs are much nicer and don’t ooze pus. ;-)
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 5, 2012Yeh I know. Pus makes me want to vomit too. I just thought it might be a nice distraction to the “asshole” in your head. I felt worried about you. xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Thank you. There’s no need to be worried about me – I’m mental, all this shite is a regular occurrence. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 5, 2012Oh…so relieved. It’s OK, I just pretend not to be mental.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
I tried doing that – no one believed me. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 7, 2012Shame :(
pouringmyartout
/ September 4, 2012I thought you had him just where you wanted him…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 4, 2012Dear pmao,
So did I, but you know what they’re like…
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ September 4, 2012Sneaky bastards… just like regular people…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear pmao,
They are.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ September 5, 2012So maybe normal people are demons…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear pmao,
That IS more believable – it’s a NORMAL PERSON chewing my brain, not a demon.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ September 5, 2012Stupid normal people…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear pmao,
Yes they are. The lot of them.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ September 7, 2012And there is a lot of them…
prewitt1970
/ September 4, 2012A big cup of tea, a long walk around the room, my demon that came back from Texas with me has decided to nest itself in my neck and vigorously try to pull my shoulder bones out through my eye sockets, not so fun. Good luck. Xo, Benjamin.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Benjamin,
OUCH! They’re such FUCKERS, aren’t they? I hope yours buggers off soon.
Love Dotty xxx
Kathy V.
/ September 4, 2012You might try fumigating him. I once had smoked herring in my refrigerator for a couple of days, and it made my whole house smell so bad that I didn’t want to be there anymore. Perhaps you should switch from Cumberland sausages to smoked herring for a few days? It might chase him away.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Kathy,
I’m surprised he isn’t fumigated already with my ciggie smoke. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
maddsuspicions
/ September 4, 2012Dear Dotty I just read that you’re teetotal. I like cumberland sausages myself though, they are lovely aren’t they!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear madd,
They are! They’re the BEST FOOD IN THE UNIVERSE. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ September 4, 2012Gday Dotty,
I hear DEMONS hate affection, have you tried kissing it?
If not, kick the DEMON in the short and curlies.
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear John,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ‘Have you tried kissing it?’ made me burst out laughing but I didn’t have any food or drink in my mouth to splutter all over the place although a little bit of spittle might have landed on the screen.
:-)
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ September 5, 2012Gday Dotty,
Glad I could take the edge off.
John.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear John,
:-)
Love Dotty xxx
Jack Hope
/ September 4, 2012Have you tried feeding it unloved relatives or neighbours? Or you could try calling your local MP (although, if things are similar in Britain to Canada in this regard, the brain quality and mass will be very low) and having him/her drop by as (I mean for!) a snack?
Sending you best wishes whatever happens!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Jack,
I’ve tried to send him out into the world with a set of directions to certain people’s houses, but he won’t leave, and I can’t invite anyone to my house because I have PEOPLE PHOBIA, so I think I’m stuck with him. :-(
Love Dotty xxx
Seb
/ September 4, 2012What will he eat when he is done with your brain?
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Seb,
I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll care. :-)
Love Dottyxxx
Daniel
/ September 4, 2012Out, demons, Out! xxx (nb – the Edgar Broughton Band if like me you couldn’t quite remember who sang this chant, to great effect, some time ago)
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Daniel,
I don’t know it.
Love Dotty xxx
EllaDee
/ September 5, 2012Trying repeating his demonic words to him backwards [like a reverse Beatles’ lyric]. Then say “what is done can be undone, highest good no harm be done, in love and light”…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Ella,
I tried. He just kept going NYAAAAAAAAA, NYAAAAAAAAAA, NYAAAAAAAAA.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dotty,
Would Manglebrain be satisfied with other brains? Maybe salespeople who smack gum and say no problem instead of you’re welcome. Maybe some of the millions of shitty drivers who seem to think they are alone on the highway. Or something like that.
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Judith,
I need to find a spell or an incantation or something to make him think other brains are choisier than mine.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ September 5, 2012I’ll keep an ear out. 8-)
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Judith,
Thank you. 8-)
Love Dotty xxx
Chris.
/ September 5, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m so sorry I haven’t been around to support you in your times of trouble. I hope you can escape his clutches soon. Think of England Dotty. Lie back and think of England. That’s what I’d do.
Love Christine
xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear Christine,
I did. I lay back and thought of England and I despaired just that little bit more. ;-)
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy
/ September 6, 2012Is it a good thing we all click “Like”? Does that mean we like that you are being attacked? Do we like that you are still able to post? hmmmmm
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 7, 2012Dear Brick,
I don’t know. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ September 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
The fact that I thought this was the slightest bit funny was was not because your being attacked by some brain sucking manglebrain it was that it if you didn’t have such a magnificent and creative brain he wouldn’t be after your frontal lobe nor heading for the hippocampus next. This is the price you pay for being such a wonder with the wit, a creative genius with the post, and caring galore for your fellow readers. Truly magnificent specimen of a human. Manglebrain is simply doing what manglebrains do, mangling brains!
You have a huge brain…plenty to spare!! LOL (Meant with love, don’t you know!)
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 9, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Thank you, but I only have a little brain, little and soft like an old marshmallow.
Love Dotty xxx
faithhopechocolate
/ September 11, 2012Dear Dotty,
I really should have a) read this sooner and b) posted you a bottle of holy water. My sincere apologies for being so poor at keeping up with the outside world. Xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 12, 2012Dear fhc,
I’ll forgive you – this time. :-)
Love Dotty xxx