Lottie Is Going Dotty And Dotty Is Having A Bouncy Week

 

So this last week or so has been UP UP UP UP UP which is why I haven’t been around much and why I haven’t read many of your blogs and why I had FIVE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT unopened emails in my inbox this morning, and that’s not counting the post notifications I’ve already opened even though I didn’t visit the blogs to read the rest of the posts, but fuckitty-doo, I’ll get round to sorting them out at some point and I’ll get round to reading your blogs at some point too, probably a month late on the posts by the time I do read them.

Anyway, back to what  I  was saying – I haven’t had a bouncy week for AGES and this week’s been very bouncy, I’ve been online shopping, I’ve been outside shopping, I’ve been making wishlists for when I next go shopping, and I’ve had some parties and I made a new blog, and Branwell asked me to marry him, and THE BERSERKERS did nine little dances for me and the youngest BERSERKER broke her wrist when I got her to do the splits on top of my clothes-horse but I drew a picture of Winnie-the-Shite on her cast so she’s happy as diddly-dum and she can still dance.

Remember how Lottie divorced Fat-Fuck when she found out he was shagging some bewer from work? Well get this – Lottie’s got a new a boyfriend. He’s called timothy. Says it all, doesn’t it? I know people can’t help their names but if I was called timothy I’d shorten it and replace the ‘i’ with an ‘o’ or better still I’d give myself a nickname like MAN or BAD BASTARD or FUCKING NUTTER WHO’LL KNOCK TEN BELLS OUT OF YOU IF YOU EVER CALL ME A WUSS AGAIN.

Lottie calls him timmy and just writing it has nearly made me heave up the Cumberland sausage sandwiches I had for my dinner. When she brought him round I couldn’t help myself, I blurted out, ‘OH MY FUCKING GRANNY’S GUMS, what the fuck are you doing with a plonker like him?’

And she said, ‘Do you know what you are, Dotty? A nasty bitch.’

And I said, ‘Yep, that’s true. And you’ll do well to remember it because if you bring that streak of piss to my house again I’ll BATTER HIM. And I’ll batter YOU for having him as a boyfriend.’

I made him stand outside the back door while we had our APPLE PARTY (I got THE BERSERKERS to pick all my apples before they rot off) because he looks like Nicholas Lyndhurst as Uriah Heep except he was wearing sandals and combat shorts and a t-shirt that said ‘FREE EVERYONE’ and he scares the bejesus out of me. 

*

Lottie’s new boyfriend,      timothy the creepy fucker.

*

Guess what he does for a job? Go on, guess.

NO, you’re WRONG, he’s not an accountant, he’s a fucking SOCIAL WORKER. To be sociable I asked him ‘So how many kids have you snatched away from their families, then?’ and do you know what the fucker did? He SMILED at me, one of those smirky, patronising LIBERAL smiles that make you want to SAW THE FACE OFF the bastard but because THE BERSERKERS were there I didn’t saw his face off, I just gobbed in his cup of tea (TEA!! when there’s ABSINTHE to drink!!!) and squirted a bit of Mr Muscle Drain Cleaning Foam into the fresh cream in his elephant foot bun.

‘You can’t be serious about him,’ I said to Lottie when he’d skipped off down the garden to help THE BERSERKERS carry the apple basket.

‘Why? Stop being so horrible to him,’ she said.

‘I can’t help it.’

‘He’s done nothing wrong.’

‘Yes he has. He’s got a name that doesn’t deserve a capital letter. And he’s scary. And he’s a social worker. And if you end up marrying him and having his babies he’ll want to give them names like Inigo and Milo and Nimrod and Rupert and Cosmo and Arlo and Jago and Barnaby and if it’s a girl he’ll want to call it Jocasta or Florence or Clarissa or Clementine or Philippa or Cressida or Octavia or… ‘

‘SHUT UP.’

‘Oooooooooooooooo. We’re a bit touchy today, aren’t we? Wedding jitters?’

And she starts yapping on about how she hasn’t been seeing him for long so I shouldn’t even MENTION marriage or I’ll scare him off and she really, really likes him and the girls really, really like him and he’s the best thing that’s happened to her for YEARS, in fact the best thing that’s EVER happened to her, and she thinks she doesn’t just LIKE him, she thinks she LOVES him and she never thought she’d find love again, and if I do anything to spoil it she won’t speak to me for the rest of her life (tempting, that one).

So I promised I’ll be nice to him. And I tried (honest), but when Lottie went upstairs to the loo and I was standing at the back door with my ciggie and I asked him if I could be a bridesmaid because Lottie’s booked the church for next week, he SMILED at me again and he said, ‘Can I just say something, Dotty? Quite a few of my clients have mental health differences. I understand what you’re going through. You’re so brave.’ 

?

?

?

Brave?

Understand?

‘UNDERSTAND AND BRAVE THIS, YOU MIDDLE CLASS TOFU-SUCKING ECO-ARSED TWAT,’ and I kicked him in the goolies and hissy-whispered, ‘Now FUCK OFF and don’t come back,’ and he did, he looked up at me from his kicked-in-the-goolies bent double on the ground position like I was the most pitiful thing he’d ever seen, then he got himself up off the ground and he fucked off, not very quickly, he was hobbling and holding his groin. No dignity.

And when Lottie came downstairs and saw he wasn’t there she also looked at me, and she looked at me, and she looked at me, and she looked at me, and then, without saying a word, she went into the garden, got THE BERSERKERS, and they all fucked off too – WITHOUT BRINGING THE REST OF THE APPLES IN so now half my apples are rotting on the tree and I don’t have enough to make all the apple sauce and apple pies I usually make.

I’ll have to go now, I want to write a letter of complaint to Social Services about granola-tim to tell them how he called me a FUCKING PSYCHO and a MENTAL BASTARD and a LOONY and a WINDOW LICKER and SPECIAL. Not that it would bother me if he had, but it’ll bother THEM - when they get my letter they’ll all fall down in a weeping heap, wringing their hands and crying ‘How could he? How could he?’ and he’ll be sacked from his job and all he’ll have to live on are the ten bags of muesli he received as last month’s salary.

Don’t mess with Dotty, timothy. You’ll never win.

 

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32 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    Grrr! My hackles are raised. Just so you know, I don’t trust him either. I guess I should feel a bit sorry for Lottie, but – hey ho. She’ll learn ;-)

    Love Anne Banana xxx

    Reply
  2. Okay, I admit that he needed the kick in the groin for thaqt comment. But you shouldn’t let other people decide how happy you are going to be just because they exist. It will just stress you out. You don’t have to date him. Just tolerate him. And only kick him in the balls like every third or fourth time you see him.

    Reply
    • Dear pmao,

      Okay, maybe I over-reacted a bit. HA – no I didn’t. If anything I think I restrained myself very well, it could have been much, much worse for him – he walked away, didn’t he? Next time he won’t be able to. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,
    You rock and I hate those patronizing, over-educated, self-satisfied tools.
    Good on you!
    Love,
    Maggie

    Reply
  4. I know some Social Workers Dotty, and all I can say is … GREAT EFFING SHOT!!!!

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    How very dare he, coming into your house being all pally-pally, chummy-chummy and “I know what you’re going through” (which presumably means Lottie must have told him all about you). A kick in the goolies could be considered a bit harsh – but then if he’s any good at his job he should have known better than to provoke you into delivering said kick!

    Love F.C.H.

    Reply
    • Dear fhc,

      Lottie can’t keep her trap shut, she tells everyone about me. And now I think about it, maybe they’re well suited – she’s got a touch of the falafel about her too.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,

    Wait wait wait wait wait. Forget about timothy—Branwell’s asked you to marry him??? You can’t just slip that one in there like that and not give details. Or have I missed a very crucial post somewhere? How did he propose? Did he give you his laudanum stash?

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      HA! I wondered if anyone would notice.
      No you haven’t missed a post but I can’t tell you about it yet because I’m giving his proposal very careful consideration. When I’ve decided whether to accept or decline, I’ll let you know. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • Dear Dotty,
      I am with Madame Weebles, as much as I love a good kick in the nuts story… I would love to hear about Branwell!!! OOOOOOOHHHH he asked you to get hitched!!! How exciting :)
      Love,
      the howler and me

      Reply
  7. kzackuslheureux

     /  September 18, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    GET HIM!
    To all the abused and neglected children of the world, I pray you have a good and kind neighbor to come to your rescue … but Lord have mercy on the ones who find themselves in the care of a SOCIAL WORKER!!! How awful! Turn THE BESERKERS against him! …then again, I’ve never heard of a granola social worker, all I’ve ever met are stick up the butt, fat lazy lards, who chose this line of work because they were told to by their mummies. A granola social worker you say, eh? hmmm hmmm. Still, how dare he say you were brave and whatever!!!! I say we pull out his fingernails and make him talk!
    Solute!
    Love,
    Alphabet

    Reply
    • Dear Alphabet,

      Oh, oh!!! Why didn’t I think of THE BERSERKERS! You’re BRILLIANT! I used them to clear the aisle that time I bought my Memorial bench months ago (I think it was then, don’t know, doesn’t matter) but using them worked a treat! How to get Lottie speaking to me again though? – I can’t get to them unless it’s through her. Hmmm.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • kzackuslheureux

         /  September 18, 2012

        Dear Dotty,
        Offer to “BERSERKERSIT” as a way to make mends, for one of her wonderful dates… But wait just a minute here. Are you going to give any more story to Branwell asking to wed? I feel like I’m reading a weekly soap opera (damn, you’re good, Dotty). Yes, tell the girl you want a second chance and sitting the BERSERKERS is the only way you could think of. Yes, you see, my mother is an “English-bred American;” manipulation is in my genes. You should see what she did when she tried to steal my first born. It put a great deal of stress on our relationship, I must say! Anyway, another boring American story. ha ha ha
        Love Always,
        Alphabet

      • Dear Alphabet,

        I tried what you said. I rang her this morning and the conversation went like this –

        Me when she picked up: ‘Hello. It’s me.’
        Her: ‘(silence)’

        Then she hung up. And she hung up the other fifty two times I tried and then, on the fifty secondth time, she didn’t pick up at all. I don’t think she’s ready to speak to me yet.

        Love Dotty xxx

        P.S. SHE TRIED TO STEAL YOUR BABY???? I want to know what happened.

      • kzackuslheureux

         /  September 19, 2012

        Dear Dotty,
        Bring CANDY to their door, then Lottie has no choice in the matter! And my mother yes: here’s the best link of that story: http://kzackuslheureux.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/write-what-you-know/
        But I didn’t explain that my Ex was an abusive asshole, nor that it was my mother who went a touch mad! She wanted to keep my little boy after a couple of months went by, and I went from the “best mom in the world” in her words, to having a shifty boyfriend, and when I no longer asked my mother to babysit, she suddenly started going crazy… She really made my life hell is what she did! But no matter, now the boy is fifteen and if she wants him, she should come get him and his big LIP, ha ha ha. I love my sons, even with their teenage attitude, I could NEVER part with them. My whole life is spent, trying to keep them happy!
        Best to you Dotty!
        Love, Alphabet

  8. As Baldrick would say, I have a cunning plan… pretend to like Lottie’s new love, really OTT like him… You may have to fake apologise, amuse yourself by toying with him, ask advice, seek counsel simultaneously once Lottie speaking to you using The Beserkers (great suggestion) as informants and allies to mess with his head… And yes, I too noticed the mention of “Branwell asked me to marry him”… amidst all the up up up, Lottie, timothy stuff… sneaky, very sneaky :)

    Reply
    • Dear Ella,

      When I read your idea I thought about it and thought about it – but I can’t do it. I would if I could but I can’t. Apart from everything I’ve already told you about him HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY HAIR ON HIS SHINS.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,

    Bouncy is such a lovely feeling — happy for you!

    Love,

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
  10. kzackuslheureux

     /  September 19, 2012

    Dotty Dearest,
    Is Branwell rich? Does he have a nice fancy car to take you anywhere you please, in? If not, forget the fucker! I have the most wonderful, hot as fire, husband, who is the bestest dad of all time, and he’s even good in bed, but I sit here and wonder why the fuck did I get married again, far too often.
    But…. if he’s rich, forget the engagement, take him now!
    Love, The Wise Old Alphabet :)

    Reply
  11. Hmm, am I the only one wondering if Dotty will wear white………..hmmmm

    Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,
    I’ve been off here for over 2 weeks and I’ve missed your posts. I’m happy for you having a bouncy time of late. You must’ve been having a ball. (Unlike Lottie’s friend, timothy who used to have a ball. Great shot!!)
    Social worker? Is she mad? He’s brain washed her. Don’t trust him, Dotty.
    I don’t ever trust a man who wears a beady bracelet. Take no notice when he tries to make you think you’re mental. He’s a patronising, pathetic, potato head and he deserves another kick. If you need some help just shout for me. I’ll do what I can. You’re not alone.
    Oh, Can I be your bridesmaid if you decide to say yes? I’ve never been a bridesmaid.
    Love Christine
    xxx

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty. Hurry back to us xxx

    Reply
  14. Dear Dotty,

    What a freakin’ jerk he is. I feel sorry for the kids he’s had to deal with and the “mental health clients” too. Wow! So he’s dealt with people like that and understands it all, eh? Well, isn’t he arrogant. I can’t stand people like that, and they always get me angry. You keep being yourself, Dotty ’cause you’re awesome and know what’s best for you. Take care of yourself and just like Judith said above, I’m happy for your bouncy feeling too. I need some of that. Can you mail me some to the U.S.? :D

    Love,
    Summer

    Reply

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