Creepy And Freaky But True


I am was new to blogging and so far it’s been full of niceness and joy. But I have just noticed a very weird thing – the Search Engine Terms that have linked people to this poor, innocent little dot of a blog. I’m going to tell you what they are and add to them as and when they appear even if it does make my eyes wither and my heart cringe at the thought of what a steaming puddle of suppuration humanity has become.


dotty headbanger (must be someone I know, or I am famous already)

christmas dinner blogs (someone who didn’t get their dinner?)

2012 year of the slug (must be somebody else I know)

sperm granny (I do NOT know this person)


and today’s little gem is ……….. wait for it ………….. real dead corpse …………. and it was clicked to this blog TWICE. Lovely. Super. I just felt my brain shudder.


13th Jan 2012 – dotty headbanger (again – not just once, twice. I must be famous)


22nd Jan 2012 – dotty headbanger (seven times this week. What’s going on? I’ll have to keep looking out of the window for traces of the paparazzi, empty burger trays, coke cans, cigarette ends and sudden flashes from nowhere. Where can I find a solicitor who specialises in privacy protection laws? I need to start the ball rolling for a gagging order on my mother before she blabs to all the papers).


25th Jan 2012 – dotty headbanger (twice since the 22nd) and a new one – dayone slug (I think someone is playing tricks on me)


11th Feb 2012 – (I forgot all about updating this page until now)

more dotty headbanger 

2 dottie headbanger 

2 notes from a she-hermit

1 notes from a she-hermit blog

1 the tea cupboard cumberland md (?)

ode to prozac

1 brick shaped like t

and today – first aid for a cut finger playing basketball

and this shirt shrank or shurnk (sic)


13th Feb 2012 – 

yesterday – a bit of totty – (pervert deviant, unless they’re looking for Ian Somerhalder)

and 1 dottie headbanger – (is my name tremendously difficult to spell?)

today – 5 dotty headbanger – (???) – (oh, did you know I’m a REAL celebrity? I had a cartoon made of me)

2 pack coca-cola 2012 olympics – (someone else must be starting a new collection of coke bottles)

i’m dotty for you poems (aaaawww, cute, a Valentine’s Day idiot)

alone but a happy (a sad idiot moaning about Valentine’s Day)


14th Feb 2012 –

hermits and valentines day – (bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?)

hermit valentine – (ditto above)



15th Feb 2012 –

what is the american version of an airing cupboard – Ha ha ha whoever you are, you must have the patience of a saint because I went and asked Google the exact same thing as you and I GAVE UP LOOKING FOR MYSELF WHEN I REACHED PAGE 10 because I wasn’t there. I know I must have been there somewhere but I GOT BORED LOOKING. What page am I on, 432?


21st Feb 2012 –

3 dotty headbanger

mormon hermit – (an oxymoron?)

funny how to deal with cold callers at the door – I hope they took my advice

sausages cumberland lincolnshire – why bother with Lincolnshire?

are cumberland sausages safe to eat? – you’re messing with me again, aren’t you?


29th Feb 2012 –

5 dotty headbanger

movie reviews – clever people come to read my reviews because they’re TRUE

review woman in black and reviews of the woman in black film – yep.

curley cumberland sausage – hmm.

substitution for cumberland sausage – INFIDEL. THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE.

who is a cumberland sausage named after – idiot

illnesses in wuthering heights – you could have just asked me to ask little Emily


13th March 2012

loads more dotty headbanger

dance to your daddy – someone likes to sing with the fishes

wabbit pie – don’t eat it, it’s nasty

what I’m giving up for lent – what ARE you giving up for lent?

she hermit – you forgot the dash

cumberland sausage day 2012 – that’s more like it, at last, a sensible search term

queen of taggy wags – okay, I was suspicious about the wabbit pie and the cumberland sausage day 2012, but now I know it’s YOU again. did you not see the new picture I put on the sidebar telling you what I’m going to do to you when I catch you?

i’m not stupid i didn’t understand – yes you are stupid, very stupid.

are cumberland sausages are they good for health – stupid fuckwit

colour of cumberland sausages inside and what colour should cumberland sausages be inside – they’re the colour of your STUPIDNESS

what sides to have with cumberland sausage and what to eat with cumberland sausages – OH MY GOD. I give up.

dotty book – not yet, but I’m thinking of doing one

fashion hermit – yep, that’s me

hermits psychiatry – eh?

if you love somebody let them go if they come back they were yours if they don’t they never were yours – phew, that’s a long one

bang bang boat – use a brick and you won’t have to pay mooring fees

bang bang bang click click bang – you talking to me?

bang bang bang bang – that’s better

runaways come back – sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t

lincoln green sausage – WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

why airing cupboard sperm sausages – see? this is harassment

sister agony – it’s stalking

where are you all coming from we’re from smurfland – i’m phoning the police who are my friends

how to get an eyelash out of your eye – you’re watching me, aren’t you?

a letter from my brain – you’ll be getting a letter from my solicitor

why is a bronx tale not on netflix – because they’re stupid


2nd April 2012

dotty headbanger – loads of them

nice person good worker – yes I am, aren’t I?

a letter to my brain – I sent my brain a letter once

when your brain is trying to kill you Dotty – FUCKER. GO AWAY.

oops right side the head, said oops right side the head – looking for the proper lyrics, were you? there are loads of different ones about this song, each of them stupid in their own way.

little emily fuck – I’m not going to let you annoy me any more YOU SICK TWAT

fucking granny – I’m not sure about this one, it could be someone who’s angry with their granny or it could be a nasty deviant looking for tips, I don’t know.

eyelash – there are quite a few that refer to my How To Get An Eyelash Out Of Your Eye post and it’s either a very common occurrence OR IT’S YOU, FUCKING MESSING WITH MY SEARCH THING AGAIN. I know which one it is.

love you dear tumblr – I don’t, I can’t work out how to use it

mother’s day rhymes – I did one for meine Mami

photos of bricked up a doorway – illiterate people shouldn’t be allowed to brick up their doorways

hermit social anxiety – well DUH!

next to me emily notes – no, she’s next to ME, shaking her head at these divvy search terms

pumpy the bush kangaroo – HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

boring Sunday feeling – yep, I get that a lot – every Sunday in fact.

100th blog post – I’ve passed a hundred

dotty fillam – no, it’s Dotty Headbanger

the day the earth still keanu reeves film – I did a review of that film but I managed to use the full title

“and that one started” – what, and the others didn’t?

the woman in black xxx – no, it’s not a triple x, Harry Potter keeps his clothes on I think

hermit humor – where’s the letter U, thicko?

dotty eye cartoons – Hmm, interesting.

wordpress dotty headbanger – where else would I be?

faux non fiction – yep, that’s me

dotty’s family. documentary – piss off, it’ll NEVER happen

how to batter someone – fucking wimp

prozac hermit – that used to be me, now I’m on Mirtazapine

female comments on mr sheen – IT’S SHIT, USE PLEDGE

cumberland sausage in america – they wouldn’t appreciate it

little bitty pretty ones xxx – who keeps putting xxx at the end of their search term? FUCKING PERVERTS, THAT’S WHO


N.B. — there are loads of eyelash ones, oops upside your head ones but I can’t be bothered doing them all SO YOU’VE WASTED YOUR TIME THIS PAST FORTNIGHT, YOU FUCKING NUTTER.





Leave a comment


  1. Mormon hermit. Oxymoron. Stop it. Making me laugh so hard I leak a little urine.

  2. whiteladyinthehood

     /  April 24, 2012

    You’re great Dotty. These were HILARIOUS!

  3. I’ve been thinking about putting a page like this on my blog, ever since I had the search term “polygamist + rare genetic disorder”. And they only got better from there.

  4. Grumpy

     /  May 26, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I used the search term ‘dotty headbanger’ once, when I was away from home and using a friends computer. I just couldn’t wait until I got home to have my dotty ‘fix’! Is that creepy?
    Grumpy x

    • Dear Grumpy,

      No. The creepy one is whoever keeps putting search terms in that could only have come from someone wanting to wind me up. 🙂

      I’ll have to do an update of this page, there are some strange ones.

      Love Dotty xxx

  5. Slug spermgranny??? What??!!!


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