Social Anxiety makes life boring after the first couple of years or so. Learn to laugh at yourself – you might as well, no one else is there to find you funny.
Don’t waste energy wishing you could run away from home. You can’t.
Dirt on your windows can lend a cosy, wintery smudge to the view.
NEVER headbutt your judgemental relatives. They do not understand.
Outside does not look like the Wii Sports Island.
Your real head is a normal size.
People do NOT shoot needles of malice from their eyes into the back of your head when you turn away from them.
The Truman Show is not a documentary.
If an angel appears in your kitchen it is not real. Shout for the fairies that live behind the bath panel to come and kill it.
The internet cannot read your mind. Nor can the television, the DVD recorder, the Freeview, Virgin or Sky tellybox or the satellites in space.
The raging hordes of screaming marauders who run past your house twice a day will not stop to throw firebombs through your letterbox. They are going to and from nursery school.
When the woman next door puts out breadcrumbs for the birds she is not summoning her Attack Sparrows.
Other people’s eyes are not fitted with a Shrivelling Device by a malevolent entity who likes to laugh at you.
If you wake up one morning and the house across the road has moved and now stands brick to glass with your front window, it’s okay to panic.
Your George Foreman grill will not eat you.
More later, when I can be bothered.