Hobbies For Hermits


It’s going to be a long, long day today so I’ll start it by posting these words of brilliance called Hermits For Hobbies. Oh, Dotty, Dotty, Dotty. Why do you bother?



Start hoarding if you don’t do so already. Newspapers and magazines are popular items to hoard, probably because they’re easy to have delivered and they don’t cost much and they’re easy to stack. I’m going to start hoarding them myself. Yes, I am because just imagine the days you could spend stacking and restacking the towers, having to pull them all down when the postman brings your newest batch but you wouldn’t mind because of the games you could play running round the walls and getting lost among the towers as if you’re inside your very own very maze but you know it isn’t a maze because it’s made of newspapers and magazines that have infinite possibilities for new hiding places so many hiding places you could lose yourself before you knew it and you could climb up and jump from the top of one stack to another like a big flea and if you’re lucky very very lucky you might slip and fall and break …………………………………………

Ahem. Okay. Hoarding. Yes. Right, well books are obviously not a good choice either although I do have an awful lot of books. I think they must copulate and breed because no sooner do I put one on top of another on the floor in front of the bookshelves than there’s a whole pile of them waiting for a place on a shelf. I wonder if sheathing them in library jackets would curb their behaviour. It’s worth a try, I suppose.

Hoarding gerbils might work. They’re not so readily available and I think Royal Mail might have a policy about posting rodents so you wouldn’t be able to have them delivered, you’d have to ask someone to go and get them for you, at least you would before they started to breed and the head count rose to an acceptable level. Gerbils wouldn’t kill you either like paper products could. You’d have to ask your shopping person to get wood shavings, too, or straw or whatever gerbils sleep in. And they have those noisy little wheels to run round and round, don’t they, like hamsters? Could be a problem if a few thousand all want to have a go at once. Food is easy because I know you can buy bags of gerbil food – I remember seeing them for sale in a pet shop years ago when I went to look at the puppies. What else? Water bottles and things for them to gnaw on. And you might be wondering why I haven’t mentioned cages yet – it’s because I don’t believe in caging any creature. We were all born to run free, gerbils too. This could be where gerbil hoarding falls down as a concept though. It would break my heart if a gerbil was to be killed or maimed because it was trod on by a clumsy hoarder. No, on second thoughts, not such a good idea.


Contemplating Lino

Lino is your friend. It provides hours of entertainment. If you squint carefully you will see through its surface to the infinite shapes and patterns that form within. Today I saw a pig in profile, a bearded man, an egg, a reindeer standing on its forelegs, two willow trees and an oblong on a swing.



Your magic, dancing Cumberland sausage finger puppets have a Use By date. Throw them away when they start to smell.



Write notes to yourself in the dust on the bookshelves. “Hello, remember me?” is a bad one though. It can lead to months of terror if you forget who wrote it. Future Booker Prize winners – you should begin writing your novel in the dust. Your prose will be sparse and unflowery, word count will be low, themes, plots and premises will be as tight as the proverbial so editing won’t be a problem when you come to type it up.



Fairy Liquid bubbles. Hours of fun.



Leave a comment


  1. ambiguousnerd

     /  January 20, 2012

    Hoarding gerbils… that’s very tempting to try! Although instead I would rather hoard guinea pigs because of their adorable fluffy faces (Fluffy is my polite way of saying they are chubby =P). As for the fairy liquid bubbles, I strongly agree!

    • Dear ambiguousnerd,
      You’re a genius! A new hobby for me! Guinea pigs inside Fairy Liquid bubbles floating round the kitchen.
      Utter genius! Do you know of a way to pop the bubbles without the guinea pigs making a splat on my lino?
      Love Dotty xxx

      • Lauren

         /  January 23, 2012

        I’m glad I could help you out with your exploration of hobbies! You could probably try putting a trampoline or two in your kitchen. That way you can have even more fun with them jumping all over the place. It might even be entertaining for the guinea pigs that way too. 😉 But just in case any of them were to miss the trampolines on their way down, you could probably surround the ground underneath them with either stuffed animals, pillows, or pretty much anything else you can find that you would consider plush enough to catch them!

      • Dear Lauren,
        You are now my BMF (Best Mental Friend). Not only have you shown me a new game, you’ve also helped me decide that I WILL get those gerbils after all – I consider them plush enough to catch even ME if I fall off the trampoline. Yippeee!
        Love Dotty xxx

  2. ambiguousnerd

     /  January 23, 2012

    Sweet! We became friends very fast, I’m impressed! I’m anxious to see how this epic adventure of yours turns out. Most of all, I hope you enjoy bouncing around with your fairy floating guinea pigs under a pool of gerbils! ;D

    Your BMF
    ambiguous nerd

    • Dear BMF,
      You are welcome to come to my house to play with the guinea pigs whenever you want. I don’t often invite people to call in but I want to make an exception for my BMF. Just give notice of about a month so I can prepare myself for visitors.
      Love Dotty xxx

  3. Dotty,

    I love fairy liquid bubbles too (made of soup, of course), so later I can clean.


    • Dear Uncle,
      I want to make Fairy Liquid soup bubbles too. Will it work with Cumberland sausage soup with dumplings?
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. Will you come round and clean my kitchen when I’ve finished playing, please?

  4. Dearest Dotty,

    Oh, yes. Cumberland sausage soup with dumplings will work. You’re making me hungry. Of course, I will come around and clean your kitchen! No need to ask. I planned doing so!


    • Dear Uncle,
      I hope you don’t mind if I hide in my bedroom while you’re here. If you want to ask me anything you can knock on the ceiling with the broom handle and I’ll shout down to let you know I hear you, then you can shout back and ask me whatever you want. I’ll leave some new Cumberland sausage soup with dumplings simmering on the hob for you.
      Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dearest, Dotty,

    You exceed expectations.


  6. whiteladyinthehood

     /  April 24, 2012

    I smiled and laughed all the way through your post. You seem like an energetic writer – just busting loose!

  7. Dear Dotty,
    I promised myself I would only read one of these a day.
    I lied.
    Dotty. Come back.
    Love, Lis


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