It’s going to be a long, long day today so I’ll start it by posting these words of brilliance called Hermits For Hobbies. Oh, Dotty, Dotty, Dotty. Why do you bother?
Start hoarding if you don’t do so already. Newspapers and magazines are popular items to hoard, probably because they’re easy to have delivered and they don’t cost much and they’re easy to stack. I’m going to start hoarding them myself. Yes, I am because just imagine the days you could spend stacking and restacking the towers, having to pull them all down when the postman brings your newest batch but you wouldn’t mind because of the games you could play running round the walls and getting lost among the towers as if you’re inside your very own very maze but you know it isn’t a maze because it’s made of newspapers and magazines that have infinite possibilities for new hiding places so many hiding places you could lose yourself before you knew it and you could climb up and jump from the top of one stack to another like a big flea and if you’re lucky very very lucky you might slip and fall and break …………………………………………
Ahem. Okay. Hoarding. Yes. Right, well books are obviously not a good choice either although I do have an awful lot of books. I think they must copulate and breed because no sooner do I put one on top of another on the floor in front of the bookshelves than there’s a whole pile of them waiting for a place on a shelf. I wonder if sheathing them in library jackets would curb their behaviour. It’s worth a try, I suppose.
Hoarding gerbils might work. They’re not so readily available and I think Royal Mail might have a policy about posting rodents so you wouldn’t be able to have them delivered, you’d have to ask someone to go and get them for you, at least you would before they started to breed and the head count rose to an acceptable level. Gerbils wouldn’t kill you either like paper products could. You’d have to ask your shopping person to get wood shavings, too, or straw or whatever gerbils sleep in. And they have those noisy little wheels to run round and round, don’t they, like hamsters? Could be a problem if a few thousand all want to have a go at once. Food is easy because I know you can buy bags of gerbil food – I remember seeing them for sale in a pet shop years ago when I went to look at the puppies. What else? Water bottles and things for them to gnaw on. And you might be wondering why I haven’t mentioned cages yet – it’s because I don’t believe in caging any creature. We were all born to run free, gerbils too. This could be where gerbil hoarding falls down as a concept though. It would break my heart if a gerbil was to be killed or maimed because it was trod on by a clumsy hoarder. No, on second thoughts, not such a good idea.
Lino is your friend. It provides hours of entertainment. If you squint carefully you will see through its surface to the infinite shapes and patterns that form within. Today I saw a pig in profile, a bearded man, an egg, a reindeer standing on its forelegs, two willow trees and an oblong on a swing.
Your magic, dancing Cumberland sausage finger puppets have a Use By date. Throw them away when they start to smell.
Write notes to yourself in the dust on the bookshelves. “Hello, remember me?” is a bad one though. It can lead to months of terror if you forget who wrote it. Future Booker Prize winners – you should begin writing your novel in the dust. Your prose will be sparse and unflowery, word count will be low, themes, plots and premises will be as tight as the proverbial so editing won’t be a problem when you come to type it up.
Fairy Liquid bubbles. Hours of fun.