Dealing With Cold-Callers
As you begin to recover you will start to answer the door, but try not to be puzzled when the cold-callers begin their spiel with, “Don’t look so worried, I’m only here to …..”, because cold-callers are compassionate people who feel your pain and will do all they can to alleviate the distress they see on your fear-stricken face. But you still have to speak to them. Don’t fret, it’s easy. All you have to do is, as soon as they say, “Don’t look so worried, I’m only here to ….”, shout NO and slam the door shut.
After a while, (weeks, months, years, who knows?), you might want to think about how you are portraying yourself to these people. Madness is no excuse for bad manners. Next time you have a cold-caller on your step, shout NOTHANKYOU before you slam the door shut. It’s still only one word, just a little longer and much more polite. You can practice the extra syllables before attempting to use them if you wish.
It might happen that one day you don’t manage to get the word out in time and you become rooted to the spot, temporarily paralysed by fright as you peep round the door you are clinging to at a cold-caller who won’t stop moving his mouth up and down like a happy fish. In this situation the word can be dragged from your clamped lips with actions. It will take courage, but you can do it. Here’s how – with a rapid fling of the arms let go of the door at the same time as you do a little jump to the side. Bring your arms forward to chest height while stiffening your hands into a karate chop position. Let rip a feral scream followed by NOTHANKYOU then kick the door shut, hard. Voila, success. WARNING: when using this method some hermits find they are unable to stop shouting. NOTHANKYOU becomes NOTHANKYOUNOTHANKYOUNOTHANKYOUNOTHANKYOU on and on ad infinitum. If this happens to you, run to the kitchen and find a banana (see Healthy Recipes For Hermits). Peel the banana and stuff it into your mouth. This will work.