Weaponry For Hermits


Being well armed is vital for a hermit’s survival. Here are some good weapons to use on PEOPLE and THINGS that piss you off. Use them wisely.



Experience will teach you not to throw your remotes at the television. Make your own catapult from your thumb and forefinger and an elastic band. Fire tightly folded scraps of paper from your stockpile on the coffee table. Use Eastenders for target practice.


Whether you go there or not you might be the type of person who hates the thought of cats shitting in your garden but don’t know how to stop them. Problem solved. Do what I do and have your Super-Mega-Big-As-Fuck-Super-Soaker water pistol ready and loaded beside your door. BAM.


Feathers can be more effective weapons than sub-machine guns particularly when used against cold-callers, (see Dealing With Cold-Callers). When you answer the door and see a cold-caller, tickle him under the chin with your long, pretty peacock feather and I’ll bet your arse he’ll run away.


Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game (see the post entitled Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game – you’ll have to look for it, I don’t know where it is. Think of it as a treasure hunt).



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