The Hidden Horrific Horror Of Hermititis

 

There are some things in this world a woman should never have to see and her own fat arse is one of them. I saw mine. In a mirror, two mirrors to be precise – not because my arse NEEDS two mirrors to be seen (it’s fat but not THAT fat) but because with two mirrors you can do that looking-back thing to see what everyone else sees and I wanted to see what my new combat pants look like (the internet sent them) so I rang Lottie to tell her to bring round the mirrors.

Eight panic attacks (severe enough for two heart attack scares) later and I realised I should have just stayed curious.

Listen to me, She-Hermits – Hermititis is BAD FOR THE ARSE. Very bad. If you’re in the early stages and you’re still able to go out of the house, GET IT SORTED OUT NOW before it gets any worse or your arse will spread like a fucking HUGE blancmange and after a few years it will SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. I’m about a year away from having to have scaffolding erected to hold the fucker up when I walk.

And that’s what’s done it, not WALKING. I used to walk all over the place, I loved walking, but now I can only walk round the house so many times before I’m LITERALLY bouncing off the walls with boredom – walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING.

So I’ve made a decision (HALLELUJAH!) and what I’ve decided is that from tomorrow I’m putting my arse ON A DIET.

This is my diet (below)

 

DOTTY’S FUCKING FAT ARSE DIET.

No more McCain’s Chippy Chips

No more Hobnobs (when I’ve scranned the two packets in the cupboard)

No more Double Gloucester cheese (which is FUCKING LOVELY when grated over a plateful of McCains’s Chippy Chips and thick Bisto gravy (beefy).

No more Goodfella’s Thin And Crispy Twelve Cheeses Pizza (AHA! Betcha didn’t expect me to eat Italian cuisine – I do have SOME secrets I don’t tell you all (y’all)).

 

I think that’s it.

 

As for exercise, I haven’t been able to do my own invention exercise (which you can find HERE – CLICK IT CLICK IT) because I can’t hear the Jaws music properly so I can’t tell when Jaws is circling close to my table. So I looked up arse exercises on the internet and found some that I’ll have a go at, but one I WON’T BE DOING is the one where you have to get down on all fours and cock your leg like a dog pissing on a lamp post. I might have a fat arse but I still have my DIGNITY.

 

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

 

Rapid Cycling

 

I’ve spent all day rapid cycling round the Wii Sports Island. Except I don’t have a Wii exercise bike because they cost £100 so I just stomp on the Wii Fit board thingy and hold onto the control like it’s a set of handlebars. I don’t like going into the town because I keep crashing into the walls and one of these days I’m going to go head first over the handlebars and knock my eye out on the corner of the coffee table. I don’t like those scabby little animals either – Wii should make it possible for me to move my legs to the side so I can give the mangy rats a swift kick when they’re annoying me.

I kept going till the batteries went dead.

 

 

 

The Dotty Way To Exercise ©™ ®.

 

Just because you’re a hermit doesn’t mean you have to be unfit. On the days you are able to move your arse to the fridge to see what you want to eat (which is most days, isn’t it?) you can also do a little workout. Don’t panic, this is a good exercise.  

We all know the main reason we hermits don’t exercise isn’t because we’re lazy, it’s because exercise is BORING. What’s interesting about standing in your kitchen holding onto the back of a chair and flinging your leg about like a loony when there’s nobody in front of you to kick? NOTHING. Or lying on your rug trying to do a sit-up when it takes you all morning to will yourself to sit up in bed? Nothing, nothing at all. Doing step routines at the bottom of your stairs, jogging on the spot, waving tins of beans in the air in the hope that your bingo wings will disappear … boring, boring, boring. There are so many boring exercises to do in a standard routine, leg lifts, waist twists,  arm crunches, ab crunches, blah blah blah blah blah. And then there’s all that counting. Who can concentrate past 4?  If you weren’t chronically depressed to start with you soon would be.

No, what you need is a new way of exercising that eliminates the boringness of a normal routine. What you need is The Dotty Way To Exercise © ™ ®, a revolutionary new way of exercising that involves only ONE exercise but includes aspects of all the others, yoga, pilates, weight-training, circuit training, everything. It will give your whole body a work out. And you don’t have to buy any special equipment if you don’t want to (unless I invent some but I’ll let you know the prices when I do), what you need is already in your house.

So let’s begin.

 

The Exercise – Third Day On A Life Raft © ™ ®.

Part 1 – Retrieving Your Water Supply © ™ ®.

What you need – a strong kitchen table, 2 big bottles of diet coke, a fan, a teaspoonful of salt, a cd player (or a new-fangled way of playing music that isn’t a cd player but just WRONG, how can you hoard a load of nothings?), a cd with the theme tune to Jaws (the one that goes DU-DU-DU-DU, DU-DU-DU-DU –  don’t get anxious, it’s only music).

Begin by clearing all the shite off your kitchen table. Then disinfect it unless you don’t mind getting old germs and god knows what else all over you. Move the chairs out of the way. Place the diet coke where the chairs used to be. Place the fan so it will blow directly in your face and turn it on (high setting). Get your teaspoonful of salt and put it on your tongue. Turn on your cd player, insert cd, play Jaws on repeat (or do whatever you do with your MP pod gadget thing).

Stand at one end of the table. Bend forward and lie face down on the table (not actually face down, that would be stupid, you can turn your head to the side). Bring your arms above your head and grip the underside of the tabletop with both hands. Drag yourself forward until your whole body is on the table, including your knees (it’s okay if your head dangles off at the other end).

Shut your eyes for a minute. Listen to Jaws. He’s coming (NOT REALLY) and the life raft you’re lying on has just tipped this way and that on a wave. A storm is brewing, the wind is strong. This is your third day clinging to the raft. When the raft tipped, your supply of fresh water fell into the sea and now it’s going to float away if you don’t get it back. The thirst is excrutiating.

Open your eyes. Hold on to the underside of the raft with your left hand, (DU-DU-DU-DU, DU-DU-DU-DU). Slide yourself sideways and stretch your right arm down to reach your first water container. Stretch. Use your knees to keep you on the raft. Stretch more. Jaws is circling – when you get the water container you can bat him away for a while with a bop on the nose. Keep stretching until you have the water and remember, the container is heavy. When you have it, lift it onto the raft and put it at the side of your head. Repeat to get the container on your left.

WARNING – If at any point during this exercise you start to panic don’t worry, even normals would panic in this situation so try not to give in to sudden suicidal thoughts by rolling into the sea for Jaws to eat you, be strong and USE THE PANIC TO ESCAPE FROM HIM.

When you have retrieved your water containers, take one in each hand (firmly, by the lid) and lower them back over the sides of the raft. Swing them back and forth. Lift them up and down. This paddling will frighten Jaws (DU-DU-DU-DU, DU-DU-DU-DU) and keep him away for a while and will also help you reach dry land sooner rather than later. Continue until you feel you can’t hold the containers any more. Do not let them drop into the sea. Bring them back up onto the raft, sit up (carefully, you don’t want to tip over) and have a little drink.

When you’ve had enough refreshment (not too much, it has to last) lie on your back. This position is precarious because you might easily roll off if a big wave comes so lower your legs and arms over the sides and grip the undersides of the raft. Stretch and grip as hard as you can, your life depends on it. Stay like that until you think you might get cramp.

Repeat these steps once a day. When you get used to harnessing the power of your panic attacks and using it to paddle the raft, get on it at night, in the dark. This makes the adventure more realistic and you’ll use more muscles because being on the open sea at night with Jaws swimming round and round you isn’t safe.

 

I haven’t written about other things to do on your raft yet until you master the basics which will give your arms, legs, torso etc a really good stretchy work out. Next week we’ll move on to Part 2 – How To Catch Your Dinner On A Life Raft © ™ ®. The following week will be Part 3 – Where’s The Bathroom On A Life Raft? © ™ ®.

 

DISCLAIMER

If you do this exercise without due care and attention you’ll break your neck or lose a leg to Jaws or drown or something and how would that be my fault? It wouldn’t be, it would be YOUR fault for being so stupid so don’t bother trying to sue me (I don’t have any money anyway so you’d be wasting your time). In fact if you do try to sue me I’ll sue you back for causing me unnecessary stress and anxiety and for you being an ungrateful git after all the time and trouble I’ve gone to inventing The Dotty Way To Exercise © ™ ® for you. Bloody compensation culture, that’s why everything’s so SHITE nowadays and no one says sorry any more. 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: