Dotty Hermit Tip – How To Get A Skelf Out Of Your Finger When It’s In Too Deep For Tweezers


I had a skelf this morning on the inside of my right index finger. How the fuck did it get there? I don’t know. I don’t know WHEN it got there either, I only noticed it because I felt a sting and when I looked it was going red but inside the red was the bit of brown and I thought that’s a skelf, Dotty, and it’s become infected. That’s the thing about skelfs though, they’re sly little fuckers that worm their way under your skin like my dead husband ex-Simon did when I first met him.

So how do you get them out? Tricky. It can be a long and arduous process, causing stress and anxiety and panic attacks and post-traumatic stress thingy and a crick in your neck if it’s in an awkward place like mine was and you have to twist to see it. Little skelfs can be much worse than big ones – a big thick one usually comes out easily, get a good grip between your fingernails/tweezers and PULL, slowly but firmly, and out it comes. Mine was a little slivver of a skelf, long and thin and liable to snap if I was too rough with it, leaving a bit of wood in my finger that would infect, infect, infect and slowly poison my blood with nasty infecty germs and if I couldn’t get my finger amputated in time it would very swiftly KILL ME.

I’ll take you through what I did to get it out, step by step.



The first thing I did is the first thing everyone does when they spot a skelf in their finger – I sucked it. This is the correct thing to do. There’s a knack to sucking a skelf out, and sometimes, if you do it properly and the skelf isn’t in too deep, it works. What you have to do is NOT suck your finger like you would a lollipop, you have to use TACTICAL SUCKING or you’ve no chance.

1.  CLOSE your mouth and pucker your lips

2.  Clamp your puckered lips round the skelf area, sealing it in whilst leaving as small a gap as possible through which to suck.

3.  Poke the tip of your tongue through the little gap and put some saliva on the skelf area (keeping the area wet is IMPORTANT because it softens the skin making extraction easier and more likely).

4.  Suck. Alternate between hard, rapid little sucks and long, long sucks that use maximum suction and make the blood rush to your head.

5.  Keep checking the skelf area with the tip of your tongue to see if it’s popped out through the skin. If you feel the skelf, stop sucking and have a look, you might be able to pull it out with your teeth or your fingernails or some eyebrow tweezers.

If sucking alone doesn’t work, (it usually doesn’t), move on to the next step.




We don’t need to discuss teeth or tweezers very much, they’re useful for nipping out a skelf if the end is showing, or if it’s thick, but the most important tool of the three is your fingernails because they’re not only used for extraction, they’re used for SQUEEZING and MANIPULATION OF THE SKELF. Be careful though, most people drive the skelf in deeper when they use their fingernails, they don’t have the fine motor skills required and would be better off using the next method —




The safety pin method is, unarguably, the most successful way of getting a skelf out, particularly if the skelf has been there for a couple of days and the skin has grown back over it. Take your safety pin, open it, bend it back so the big side becomes a little handle. Wipe the pointy tip with an antibacterial wipe or squirt a drop of antibacterial handwash on it and give it a wash before you stick it in your finger.

What you’re aiming to do with the safety pin is make a hole in the skin big enough for the top of the skelf to be exposed with enough of it showing for you to get a grip and pull it out. To do this, dig carefully at your skin with the safety pin, lifting one thin layer of skin at a time or it’ll hurt, (KEEP SUCKING AT REGULAR INTERVALS) and layer by layer the skin will move back and make a little hole. Don’t use your teeth for pulling the skelf out or it might snap, fingernails are best because of the precise control they allow; failing that, use tweezers.

If the skelf is thin and long and deep, like mine was, you’ll have to dig a little tunnel in your skin instead of merely digging a hole because the skelf has no chance of coming out without snapping and leaving a bit inside your finger so it’ll have to be lifted out with the safety pin. Open your skin using the method laid out in the above paragraph, folding the skin back as you go. Remember to use TACTICAL SKELF SUCKING to keep the area soft and free of blood. After a while, the whole skelf should be exposed and you can gently lift it out with the safety pin, or suck gently and see if comes out that way. When it’s out, fold the skin back over the wound and it’ll all knit back together in no time.



Do leeches suck skelfs out? I don’t know, I’ve never owned a leech. I’ll have to ring the pet shop and get some, they’d have saved me a load of pissing about this morning if I could’ve just took a little leech out of its tank or its cage or whatever they live in, stuck it on my skelf and hey presto, no skelf. 



Some men like to use a Stanley knife to get their skelves out. They slice the skin in the place where they think the skelf is lying and sometimes they get it right and the skelf floats out on the blood, but mostly they miss (no surprise there when they can’t even aim into a toilet bowl) and end up trying again and again and then they have to sit in casualty for hours waiting for stitches. No, unless you’re skilled with the Stanley knife (like me) DO NOT USE IT ON YOUR SKELF.

I used it, after the other methods didn’t work. One neat slice, a few squeezes, a lot of blood, and BOSH, got the fucker. No more skelf.




N.B. The success of one of my other Hermit Tips – 

How To Get An Eyelash Out Of Your Eye When There’s No One Around To Get It Out For You

has been astonishing – it has loads of views because someone searches for it at least once a day – is it you, you stalker of MY CREEPY & FREAKY BUT TRUE search terms page? Which reminds me, I haven’t updated it for ages, I’ll have to do it this week.



Have a nice weekend, everybody.



Hermit Tip – How To Get An Eyelash Out Of Your Eye When There’s No One Around To Get It Out For You


It’s a bastard when you get an eyelash in your eye and you can’t get it out and no one else is there to get it out for you. I had one this morning, I felt it stab my eyeball at 8.22 am and I’ve only just managed to get it out. And now my eye’s all red and gungy and it’s almost swollen closed – I can only see half of this box I’m writing in, I keep having to move my head along to follow the words so I don’t make any mistakes.

Here’s a sequential list of the tactics I used in my attempts to get the eyelash out.

MY FINGERS — I started with the index finger on my right hand (because I’m right-handed) but that finger hasn’t got much of a nail to catch the eyelash with and if you don’t catch it when you first feel it you’re fucked because what happens is you start PRODDING AROUND YOUR EYE with your finger which irritates the eyeball so then your eye starts watering and the eyelash becomes MOBILE, like a little beached log on a rising river, and when the water reaches the eyelash – away it floats and the chase is on.

2  I lost the eyelash for a while and I thought yes, it must have come out with the water, but no it didn’t because when I was drinking my coffee I felt it stab again, this time under my top eyelid – the most annoying place it could have migrated to. So the next thing I tried was EYEBALL ROTATIONS with closed eyes, which can, if you’re lucky, dislodge the eyelash (you should alternate between rapidly rotating your eyeball and doing it very slowly for the best chance of success with this tactic). But this time the EYEBALL ROTATIONS didn’t work, the eyelash remained stuck up there, somewhere near the outside corner.

3  PULLING THE TOP EYELID DOWN OVER THE BOTTOM ONE AND CONTINUING WITH THE EYEBALL ROTATIONS WHILST HOLDING THE TOP EYELID IN PLACE was the obvious thing for me to do next, but I didn’t do that because the eyelash had moved down a bit towards the pupil and I thought if I looked in a mirror I’d be able to see it and hook it out with a FINGERNAIL. The only problem was I don’t have any mirrors in the house so I had to go round the house looking for a reflective thing. I didn’t find one for two reasons – 1 – dust – and 2 – I kept having to blink so if there is a reflective thing in my house I blinked and I missed it.

PULLING THE TOP EYELID DOWN OVER THE BOTTOM ONE AND CONTINUING WITH THE EYEBALL ROTATIONS whilst holding the top eyelid in place. I tried it. It didn’t work.

FOLDING THE TOP EYELID BACK OVER ON ITSELF so you look like you’re half zombie. This is an awkward but often beneficial tactic if you have a mirror or a reflective surface to look in because sometimes you can catch a glimpse of the eyelash sitting on the eyeball or on the lid itself. But, as I said, I don’t have those things so I had to do it blind and just hope the manouevre itself was enough to dislodge the fucker. It didn’t.

RUBBING AND POKING – I’d been trying to avoid RUBBING AND POKING because this tactic can become very aggressive but there comes a point when you just have to because by then you’d do ANYTHING to get the fucking twatting bastarding thing OUT OF YOUR EYE.



A COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE – Why didn’t I think of this in the first place? Idiot. CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES solve EVERYTHING. What I did was I got a COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE from the fridge, cut an end off and popped it in my mouth to eat, and then I held the remaining big bit of COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE in my hand for an hour in order to heat the flat end of  the COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE to body temperature. Try to avoid RUBBING AND POKING while you’re waiting (I couldn’t avoid it). Once the COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE was warm enough I manipulated the flat warm end into my eye, very carefully, and when it was in and the eyelids were holding it firmly in place, I left it there and I made another cup of coffee and just went about my normal daily life. After a couple of hours I removed the BODY TEMPERATURE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE and examined it under my magnifying glass – AND THE EYELASH WAS ON THE END OF MY BODY-TEMPERATURE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE.

BOSH! I WON – I GOT THE LITTLE FUCKER!  – and my eye should heal up in three or four days.



P.S. And before you ask, yes I DID give the WONDERFUL VICTORIOUS CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE a good wash before I ate it. What do you think I am, a TRAMPY GANNET?





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