Jubilee, Jubilee, Jubilee

 

For the Jubilee I’ve made a Photoshop picture, the second one I’ve ever made, and the first one I’ve done without any help. It’s crap but I like it and Kumblant loves it – he got to wear the diamonds. And he was allowed to eat the corgis when we’d finished.

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Kumblant Zozeech – Very Sad Journal Of Very Sad Pygmy Were-Zompire – Three Part

 

Noise of ROAAAAARRGGGHHHH from Frydeg’s hut. Then noise of silence, loud as ROAAAARRRGGGHHH. My head has picture of Frydeg, Frydeg’s family, all dead. I lie on floor of look-hut for tiny time then I jump up – must ring bell! Why I not do it when Tostidteekayk come? Bad boy, stupid! I clang bell with hard strength, DONG DONG DONG and it seem take for always till first man run from hut. Is Soopanoodl, field-man. He run to look-hut, ‘What? What?’ he shout. ‘Shooosh!’ I say. I tell him what and as I tell him what, all village mens come, my father, my brother, all mens. Unyunbaaji, head village man, take charge when he hear what I say.

He think for minute then whisper loud orders, ‘You – animals. You – turnip bed. You – potato bed. You – cabbage bed. YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU (and more YOUs) – all huts.’

Village mens run where he say. My brother run to my hut, father to fields. Four mens remain, Unyunbaaji say, ‘We go there.’ He point to Frydeg’s hut.

I say, ‘What I can do?’

‘Shine torch,’ he say.

I shine torch in Frydeg’s door. I watch. Unyunbaaji, his four mens, run in. Silence. Silence. SHOUTS and BANGS and SHOUTS! One man come out, bring Frydeg’s mother, not dead, Frydeg’s sister, not dead. Where Frydeg? I see backs of two mens come slow through door, bend, arse first. They bend in two, I think they hurt even but they move. Then I know what they do – they drag! They drag a thing! They drag it out, then out come other village man, Unyunbaaji, Frydeg – not dead!

I see Frydeg not dead, I think I want shine torch on thing they drag out. Is Tostidteekayk? I want look, even but I no want look. I have fear I see a horrible fright I not ever unsee.

Village mens are all come, village womens, children. All stand back from big thing, circle round, silent, watch three mens poke it, two mens with forks, one man with hoe.

I want better look so I shine torch quick before I am chicken out. Thing is big, size of hairy forest wild pig. I look close – no, I am wrong, is bigger than hairy forest wild pig, big as half a cow. No move, even but mens poke it – I think is dead. I travel torch up to head – ay-ay-ay – is face like old baldy dog, snout, teeth, eyes, all dog, even but is pink, no hair. Yuurkkhh, it remember me of baby rabbit just born. I travel torch down, I see clothes, torn, soak in blood, same clothes Tostidteekayk wear. I unbelieve it, even but I see through my eyes. Yes, is Tostidteeykayk. My God, what is happen to him?

Unyunbaaji walk over to Tostidteekayk. He say something to the mens who poke him. I not hear. Before I have time to move torch shine, one of the mens, Meetpasti the hut-maker, lift up his fork and DIG it through Tostidteekayk’s head, hard, and I hear crunch and squish and my belly heaves and I turn and be sick on look-hut floor, all in few seconds of time. When I look down again, I see Meetpasti walk away. He leave it there, fork, stand up in Tostidteekayk’s head.

 

Kumblant Zozeech – Very Sad Journal Of Very Sad Pygmy Were-Zompire – Two Part

 

One night in winter comes, dark but for milky shine of fat moon. I am in look-hut, cold even but I am snuggle in guard-blanket stitched by Grandmother Zozeech in time she not blind. This night I listen for owls in forest, hoot-hoot. I hear no hoot even but is perfect night for hunt mouse or vole. All shoosh, no wind.

I am at end of night guard, soon to bed. I wait for Frydeg arrive, do his guard. Frydeg is good friend of me. Most friend. We two are borned together, same day, me first. We grow together, do boy things together. We are like brother to brother, even but I have family brother. Now we are of thirteen years, come to be men, good men we two will be, Kumblant and Frydeg.

I watch for him. Sudden from forest come crashing of bush and crunch of leaf under foots. I take torch, shine down. ‘Frydeg, where you been?’ I say.

Yet but what I see is Tostidteekayk run from forest. Is pig-man of village. He run to foot of look-hut, wave up to me.

‘Kumblant, bring torch. Come,’ he say.

‘No. I am night-guard. What you want?’

‘Pigs are dead. All dead.’

I am not believe. I am suspect a thing not right – Tostidteekayk come from forest, yet but pigs live in small field, not forest. ‘Why you in forest?’ I say.

‘I chase. I wake to noise of kill pigs, I run from bed. See wolf. I chase in forest.’

‘I see no wolf. I hear no kill.’ I move shine of torch bright into face of Tostidteekayk. He seem to be more – more big, more hair, more ears, more eyes, more teeth. I say, ‘What you want, Tostidteekayk?’

He no speak. I keep torch shine at him, he keep stand there, one minute, two minute, three minute. I not move my eyes from look at him. Four minute, five minute, then –

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNGG!

O no – my clock! I have set to midnight, for end my time of night guard. It make me fright. I jump, and torch jump. I put torch shine back on Tostidteekayk. He is gone.

Where he go? I shine, shine all over, I walk slow round look-hut, shine every place down below. No Tostidteekayk.

Also no Frydeg – is time for end my night guard, Frydeg not here do his. I shine torch to door of Frydeg’s hut – is open. I lean out of look-hut, try see in Frydeg’s hut, shine torch in open door – I hear noise inside. I see nothing, yet but I hear noise like scratch, scratch, scratch.

Is Tostidteekayk?

I am very afright. Frydeg, his family. I lean more from look-hut, move torch shine slow to look hard in open door – no, I not see. And not hear. Is quiet, no scratch, no noise, no nothing. I wait. I am not move, I am like dead boy, my breath is stopped, my heart is not beat.

When it come, I fall back on floor of look-hut, terrifright. It is noise of ROAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH. It is come from Frydeg’s hut.

 

Kumblant Zozeech – Very Sad Journal Of Very Sad Pygmy Were-Zompire – One Part

 

Hello. My names are Kumblant Zozeech. I am pygmy were-zompire in England in west part in Yorkshire. Here in journal I begin tell sad story of me. It very sad. It make you cry.

I come to England in west part in Yorkshire for work. I am good workman, strong like green Hulk. I am Road Clean Man, all day I clean road with broom, I sweep your dirt, your dust, your ends of cigarettes. I spike with spike-stick your packets from crisps, chocolate, lollipop, cigarette. It is good job for good workman like me.

I was previous in high profession of Vampire Killer in own country of birth, my country I miss in heart like I miss woman I love and family I love. In my country I had father, mother, sisters, brother, old Grandmother Zozeech who is wise magic witch in pygmy village. I was happy boy, play in forest from sun till set with brother and boys in pygmy village. We run, we fight, we make huts in trees. We fish for fishes, we trap rabbit and kill with stones. We ride hairy forest wild pig. We race – always I win even but I am runt boy of pygmy village.

My country is great, my village is shit. Two cows for milk, two goats for milk, three pigs for pig. Cabbage, beetroot, turnip, potato in field. My village animals lived precious by all, we keep animal we have food. But forest hides creatures dark and wicked, many creatures we know, many creatures we not see yet but we know they hide up tree, in bush, under pile of leaves. We sleep, they run out, steal girls in village, steal babies in village, steal food. This is good reason for guard our village with eyes like hawk. 

When I was boy I was night guard, nine to midnight, in high look-hut in village square. Raiders come, I ring bell – village run from huts, fight raiders with fork, shovel, knife, stick, try stop raiders steal what they come for. We win, they win. On very bad night when I am seven, a thing steal my baby sister, Beefibisto. Mama cries all day, all night. Papa shout ‘Shoosh, shoosh,’ at her always, he say many village men have loss inside huts but many village men have peace and quiet, no wails from woman.

Now, nobody there to wail. My pygmy village, all dead. My family, all dead. I tell you how they are all dead when I next time write. Goodbye.

 

Short Dotty Film Review Of All The Twilight Films

I'm not putting a picture of ugly Pobert on my little blog so you can look at the book instead

 

 

Pobert Rattinson (see Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game) is one of the ugliest fuckers ever to show himself on my telly. His face looks like someone smacked it repeatedly with a gravestone. He resembles Stefan Somerhalder (see Totty On The Telly), my lovely Ian Somerhalder’s ugly brother from THE VAMPIRE DIARIES.

In the films Pobert is a vampire and he has a girlfriend who is human. Ring any bells? Yes, of course it rings bells, a BIG fucking ding-a-ling of bells, because IT’S A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. And yes, I HAVE read the books, the first three anyway, and putting aside THE VAMPIRE DIARIES rip-off issue the books are a zillion times better than the films for these four reasons —

1.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

2.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

3.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

4.  HALF THE STORY IS MISSING.

So don’t bother watching these films, they’re shite. You should read the books instead – PROPER books with PAPER PAGES.

 

Score  – 0 out of 10

 

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