I’m back.
Where have I been? Nowhere.
What have I been doing? I’ve been learning to fly. And I’ve finally mastered it.
I CAN FLY.
Not outside (because I have HERMITITIS and PEOPLE PHOBIA) but round the house from the living room to the bathroom, from the bathroom to the kitchen, from the kitchen back to the living room. Round and round, up and down, back and forward.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
And I did it all by myself. I self-taught myself to FLY and even a BIRD doesn’t teach itself how to fly, its mum or dad teaches it. And I didn’t even use a FLYING MANUAL.
I started in my bedroom – top of the wardrobe to the bed (soft landing except for the big brass balls on each end of the footrail but they’re balls, they only leave bruises). The trick to flying is DO NOT JUMP because jumping is FUTILE, it has nothing to do with flying EXCEPT IF YOU’RE A HARRIER JUMP JET which I’m not. You have to keep in mind that what goes up must come DOWN even faster than when it went UP (this is some sort of science and physics gobbledy-shite to do with GRAVITY that I don’t understand but the SCIENCE BOFFINS can tell you all about it if you really want to know).
No, you mustn’t jump – what you do is you SPRING. From a crouching position on top of the wardrobe you do a little SPRING (from your ankles) and as you spring into the air you flap your arms SLOWLY (this is the mistake everyone makes – they flap-flap-flap like fuckers but FLAPPING LIKE A FUCKER DOESN’T WORK FOR HUMANS) and after the first eight hundred or so times you should start to feel a LIFT into the air instead of feeling a DROP, well not exactly a LIFT but something like a lift, it’s a strange feeling that’s hard to explain to someone who’s never flown before – but don’t worry, if you ever master flying like I have you’ll know what I mean. And then, once you get this LIFT feeling EVERY SINGLE time you spring from the top of the wardrobe to the bed, and once you’ve mastered the correct speed to flap your arms – suddenly, unexpectedly, IT WILL ALL FALL INTO PLACE AND YOU’LL BE FLYING.
Practice, practice, practice – and PERSEVERANCE. That’s why humans aren’t flying all over the place, not because they CAN’T FLY, it’s because they’re TOO LAZY to put in the time required to LEARN HOW TO FLY.
Word of warning – if you’re learning how to fly in your bedroom BE CAREFUL OF YOUR SPEED OR YOU’LL CRASH INTO THE BIG BIT OF WALL ABOVE YOUR BED AND KNOCK YOURSELF OUT AND WAKE UP WITH YOUR PILLOW SOAKED IN BLOOD THAT SPURTED FROM YOUR SPLIT LIP WHEN YOUR TOP FRONT TEETH BIT INTO IT, AND YOUR NOSE WILL HURT LIKE IT’S BROKEN (IT’S NOT, IT’S SWOLLEN BUT STRAIGHT) AND YOU’LL HAVE TWO BIG BLACK EYES BECAUSE YOUR FACE HIT THE WALL FIRST, AND YOU WON’T KNOW IF YOUR LEFT WRIST IS BROKEN OR JUST SPRAINED BUT YOU STILL HAVEN’T GOT AN X-RAY MACHINE OF YOUR OWN YET TO FIND OUT BECAUSE THE DONATIONS HAVE DRIED UP AND NO ONE WILL BUY YOU ONE. AND YOU’LL HAVE A TWISTED KNEE.
But whatever pain you’re in, whatever injuries you sustain, whatever you break, sprain, bruise, cut or twist – IT’S ALL WORTH IT. It’s like childbirth or falling off a horse or a bike – you forget the agony and do it again because what it gives you in the long run is FREEDOM.
(NB – Having a baby doesn’t give you freedom, I just added the childbirth bit to show you how PAINFUL learning to fly can be).
So now I have to catch up on answering a big pile of comments and reading OVER 600 POST NOTIFICATION EMAILS (oh fuck) because I didn’t come online AT ALL during my learning to fly days because I didn’t want to lose focus but now everyone’s been posting like POSTING FUCKERS – (what happened to the QUIET POSTING PERIOD)? I thought I’d found a way to strap my laptop onto the front of me so that when I’m flying round the house I can still READ YOUR BLOGS and click LIKE and DO A COMMENT – but it doesn’t work because I forgot I NEED MY ARMS TO FLY WITH.
And I forgot to do the Big Blog weekly stats thing before I started learning how to fly – I was keeping up to them too, I was doing them every Monday (almost, I was only a day late last week, I did them on Tuesday). So I’ve fucked that one up good and proper, haven’t I?
Oh well. Never mind.
I CAN FLY.
the howler and me
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am not sure I want to learn how to fly if is THAT painful.
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear the howler and me,
That’s another reason we don’t see humans flying around – everyone’s scared of a bit of pain but it really isn’t THAT bad if you compare it with NOT FLYING AT ALL. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
butimbeautiful
/ August 10, 2012Yay! I didn’t know it was that easy! Only 800 practices! MUCH better than those ten thousand hour virtuoso things they talk about.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear butimbeautiful,
I might just have a talent for it, but I don’t think so – EVERYONE can do it if they really try. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Writer Group
/ August 10, 2012That was another excellent post today. Thanks so much for sharing. Keep up the fantastic job.
Enjoy writing?
Feel free to join our writing group – It’s worth getting into. It pays to write!
Join Today – Writers Wanted
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Writer Group,
PISS OFF, YOU SPAMMER.
Love Dotty xxx
Writers Wanted
/ August 10, 2012I think you are confused with somebody else. We are professional writers guess you’re not.
To everyone else you are welcomed to stop by
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Writers Wanted,
Professional writers? Your comment speaks for itself. Have you ever heard of spelling, grammar and punctuation? Nope, didn’t think so. GO AWAY.
Love Dotty xxx
Writers Wanted
/ August 10, 2012Yes I have because my grammar and spelling are all correct.
You have nothing on me just lies
Writers Wanted
/ August 10, 2012I’m going to spam your site so you can’t comment on wordpress ever again.
It’s called Negative SEO and your hit
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Writers Wanted,
And I’m reporting you to WordPress.
Love Dotty xxx
Writers Wanted
/ August 10, 2012Oh no.. You’re blog will be gone! This profile is not my life but I think when you wake up and your blog is just gone you will be hurt more than this 1up
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Writers Wanted,
I thought you said you’re professional and NOT A SPAMMER. In what way is THREATENING ME WITH SPAM (AND GETTING RID OF MY BLOG) IN FRONT OF ALMOST 500 WITNESSES professional?
Love Dotty xxx
tieore
/ August 10, 2012Well said Dotty x
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear tieore,
Thank you. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
How did that SPAMMER get through????
Good words lady.
I’ve had a good chuckle.
Piss OFF Spammers!!!
heehee
🙂
Love, LIs
xooxoxoxox
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Lisa,
I don’t know. It came straight through to my comments, not in the Spam.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 11, 2012http://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=writers+wanted+scam&oq=writers+wanted+scam&gs_l=hp.3..0i30l2j0i8i30l2.1670.5195.0.5826.19.13.0.1.1.2.1331.6230.2-1j2j2j5j0j1.11.0.les%3Bcpbsh..0.0…1c.rf0hittbmzQ&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=fd8d87dbf551ab53&biw=1360&bih=628
It’s a scam. That’s why this Mushroom douchebag has to keep making multiple profiles with slightly different names, that all link to the same scam site of scamming scam.
You can also edit this person’s comments to make them seem dumber for comedic value, if you so choose, and I hope you do.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear Edward,
I will if he comes back. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 11, 2012He will. With a new account, but the same mushroom.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear Edward,
He’d better not.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 11, 2012Yeah. He or she has followed me about 6 times in the past year. And every single account has been deleted.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 12, 2012Dear Edward,
I wonder if they’ve actually made any money out of people. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 12, 2012There are plenty of stupid people who fall for a little flattery and do anything for attention.
But enough about the U.S. presidential race….
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 12, 2012Dear Edward,
Arsewipes, the lot of them.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 12, 2012You don’t need to write me a formal note each time. Just slip me a wad of cash. It’s faster.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 13, 2012Dear Edward,
I do need to write you a formal note each time. It would be impolite not to.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. I left your cash with the Scammy Spammer. Did he/she give it to you?
Edward Hotspur
/ August 14, 2012So you think I’m impolite? At least you said so in a subtle way.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 14, 2012Dear Edward,
Subtlety is my strong point. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 14, 2012To whom it may concern,
I’m really fucking subtle.
Yours in the name of all that is chocolate
Baron von Schtuppenstein
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 14, 2012Dear Edward,
You’re good at it.
A subtle way I have of ending a conversation is to do a subtle smiley face.
—–> 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 15, 2012Dear In The Headlights
That IS fairly subtle. I nearly couldn’t tell that you’ve reached the limits of topics you can discuss without going commando or getting drunk. In conclusion
Glove Puppet
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 15, 2012Dear Edward,
——> 🙂 <——–
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 16, 2012Is that a happy person about to be killed by arrows? That’s an odd thing to say.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 16, 2012Dear Edward,
But not an odd thing to do.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 16, 2012Deer and the Antelopes
comma
Thing to not but an odd do.
Sense not Makingham.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 16, 2012Dear Edward,
Sense and Sensibillable(,) £3.99.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 17, 2012Ding:
Sense and Sensamilla
or
Sense and Sensibility and Zombies
Dong www
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 17, 2012Dear Edward,
Sense and Sensibillabong starring waltzy Matilda.
I’ve got that book. I haven’t read it.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 16, 2012Yo,
Sup?
Me
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 17, 2012Dear Edward,
Supitup.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 17, 2012Dear Writer’s Group Nominee
This conversation ranks among the most somnolent and soporific I have ever had, so thanks for that thing I just mentioned.
Yours truthfullyish
Jelly Baby Smasher
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 17, 2012Dear Edward,
I did try to shoot you through the head with my arrows but your skull was a bit too thick.
Now I’m trying to lull you into floating away. Floaty, floaty. Floaty.
Love Dotty xx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 17, 2012Shazam!
Pickle
La la la
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 19, 2012Dear Edward,
fuck-a-doodle-doo.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 19, 2012Dearest Dottiford,
Lettest us not maketh this an formal affair, and ceasest the nannigans of Shan. Endeth it now, and you will truly have achieved oneness with the universe.
Zen Master Oh
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 20, 2012Dear Edward,
There’s a fly in your hair. I can hear it – buzz, buzz, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 20, 2012Dumpling,
I think you may have forgotten to turn something off. No matter. The batteries will wear out soon enough!
Anonymous
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 20, 2012Dear Edward,
Ha! You nearly made me laugh.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 20, 2012Dear Pink Lady
Is that even possible? I wasn’t sure you were capable of cracking a smile, or even mentally experiencing a chortle.
Energizer Bunny
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Edward,
It happens once a year if the weather’s good, the planets are aligned correctly and there’s a hint of violence in the air.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 21, 2012Quick note:
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 21, 2012Dear Edward,
I like brevity, succinctness and concision in a chap’s writing. Edward Hotspur, King of Pith.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 21, 2012I just love taking the pith out of you.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 22, 2012Dear Edward,
Be careful, you might pith on your nice shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 22, 2012Autos
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Dotty Headbanger
/ August 23, 2012Dear Edward,
Is this a list of your most popular posts?
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 23, 2012Do you always answer a question with a question!!!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 26, 2012Dear Edward?
Do you?
Love Dotty xxx ?
therabbitholez
/ August 10, 2012Any flying i do is usually chemiclly induced or so I keep telling my doctor….lol but I’d love to whizzing around my flat like Tinkerbelle.sprinkllin magic dust everywhere….but then I’d need a cleaner..nice to see you back:)
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear trh,
Cheers, m’dear. It’s nice to be back.
Magic cleaning dust would be BRILLIANT. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
The Depressed Moose
/ August 10, 2012congrats on learning to fly! did you make yourself a shiny pilots badge to go with it? if not you should do! is it a bird? is it a plane? no its super Dotty!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Garry,
I haven’t made a badge but I did write DOTTYAIR down both my arms in black marker. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
The Depressed Moose
/ August 10, 2012🙂
joehoover
/ August 10, 2012Chocks Away Dotty!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Joe,
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
I can fly too but haven’t done it in years. All I have to do is smoke pot ,….oops did I say that? (that is if I inhale) and sometimes I ended up on the floor too. Now I behave myself. But I admire your stick to it iveness ( what is the word I’m trying to think of????) God that drives me nuts!! I bet the feeling is wonderful and worth every ounce of pain you’ve felt. Kudos for you!!
Love Dorothy
p.s. Glad you’re back too!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dorothy,
It is. And when I’m flying I don’t FEEL the pain. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ August 10, 2012I couldn’t help myself here…stick-to-itiveness is a word. You just needed to hyphenate it. It means dogged perseverance or–get ready for it, this is what I think you were looking for–tenacity. And our Ms. Dotty has nothing if not tenacity, dogged perseverance and, yes, STICK-TO-ITIVENESS! Keep on truckin’, Ms. Dott. I mean, keep on flyin’…
Dorothy
/ August 13, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
perseverance!! thank you!
It can drive me crazy when my brain quits mid sente
unfetteredbs
/ August 11, 2012mmm I agree with Dorothy and Dotty.. double “D” -light up and zoooom fly
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear bs,
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
I bet flying is a blast! It’s a good skill for a She-Hermit to have!
You needn’t answer my older posts if you don’t want to, or don’t have time. I haven’t written much of any worth lately anyway.
Love you, and congratulations!
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Judith,
Now all I need is the skill of invisibility (Harry Potter, give me your cloak!!!!)
I’ve just been to your blog a little while ago. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
stuff I said
/ August 10, 2012Dear, Dotty
Glad you are back…missed your posts.
Red xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Red,
Thank you. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
Please be careful of the ceiling light fixtures! Also, just think, even as one person flying around your bedroom, you’re still a better airline than Ryanair.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
That’s true. I could give Kiddy Flights round my house and charge a fiver with no hidden costs.
Love Dotty xxx
prewitt1970
/ August 10, 2012Time for a deep breath.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Benjamin,
I can’t do two at the same time – if I try to do the second one while I’m still full of the first one, the first one comes out and it isn’t there any more. 😉
Love Dotty xxx
prewitt1970
/ August 10, 2012Time for a deep breath.
Kathy V.
/ August 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
Thank you for this informative post! Now I know what I was doing wrong — I was flapping like a fucker! I need to slooooooowwwwwwwww doooooooooowwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.
Love,
Kathy
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Kathy,
YES! Or you’ll just FLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP and you’ll never get any further than the bottom of your bed. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
faithhopechocolate
/ August 10, 2012I don’t have a wardrobe to spring off, only a chest of drawers. Not to mention that there are sisters (well, one sister) on the floor below me who might wonder what on earth is going on if I started trying to fly. I fear they already think I’m mad enough.
I was starting to wonder where you’d got to – and I apologise for adding to the posts to read as I did manage to do an update this last week!!
Xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear fhc,
But if you found a way to learn to fly you could teach all the sisters to do it too. I bet they’d LOVE IT. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 10, 2012We had Harrier jump jets on the aircraft carrier I was on…
I am not built to fly, and I could never focus for long enough to get good. But I might give it a shot.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear pmao,
An ex boyfriend used to be an engineer in the RAF but he never got off the ground because he was scared of heights. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
DeeDee
/ August 11, 2012Dear Dotty,
I think “chickadumpling” is my new favorite word.
I can fly too – chickadees must fledge or die. Glad you’ve joined the flock.
Sincerely,
DeeDee
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear DeeDee,
It’s easy once you know how, isn’t it. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
EllaDee
/ August 11, 2012It’s great you have a new pastime but you might need to work on your landings…or get one of those funny pilot helmets and protective gear… dressing up could be fun & add to the whole vibe. If you do, remember us, and post a piccie 😉
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear Ella,
Oooo – YES! I want to dress up NOW. I’m going to be a Boeing 747. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Seb
/ August 11, 2012Next: teaching ravens to fly underwater
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear Seb,
I can’t swim. Do I need to be able to swim in order to fly underwater? Will the ravens peck my eyes out?
Love Dotty xxx
Seb
/ August 11, 2012Perhaps this might be of assistance
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 12, 2012Dear Seb,
AHA! 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ August 11, 2012they flap-flap-flap like fuckers but FLAPPING LIKE A FUCKER DOESN’T WORK FOR HUMANS) Dear Dotty, so so hilarious! I want to fly like I do in my dreams, ‘oh crap, they’re after me, I need to just lift into the air,’ and there I go, getting away from scoundrels and flying for the fun. Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 11, 2012Dear Alphabet,
That’s where I got the idea to do it for real – my dreams! And I thought, okay if I can’t go out and WALK in the street (where people are), what if I could go out and FLY OVER THE BASTARDS so they couldn’t see me. I just have to pluck up the nerve to do it now. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Edward Hotspur
/ August 16, 2012Dear
.
X
P.S. Don’t eat kim chee before a job interview
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 17, 2012Dear Edward,
Truck.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. I don’t like Kim Chee. He can’t dance.
jiltaroo
/ September 2, 2012Wow you described it perfectly! Did you know that if you hold your hands down by your sides and just flap your hands you can hover float instead of walking? People barely even notice as your feet are only centimeters off the ground. Also, you should try somersaults in the air…and back flips that is awesomely cool. You’re welcome to fly over to my place any time..we can fly the coup together!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 2, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Ha! If I started hovering all over the place they’d rename me – Dotty the Hoverdaft. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 2, 2012You’re so cute.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 2, 2012Dear jiltaroo,
Aaaw, you’ve made me blush now.
Love Dotty xxx
jiltaroo
/ September 2, 2012Don’t you love that?