Last night I set some traps to try and catch the DEMON in my loft, but before I set the traps I had to find the correct protective clothing to protect me, namely -
MY GAS MASK — to prevent me from INHALING THE DEMON
MY PROTECTIVE ALL-IN-ONE SUIT THAT FORENSIC BOFFINS AND CHEMICAL DISASTER BODS WEAR — to prevent me from ABSORBING THE DEMON
MY GOOD, STURDY HIKING BOOTS THAT I HAVEN’T WORN FOR YEARS — to STOMP ON THE DEMON or to KICK THE DEMON if the need arose.
So, suitably dressed, I set about laying my traps –
First, I substituted all my Cumberland sausages for the LINDA McCARTNEY VEGETARIAN SHITE SAUSAGES I’d cleverly and cunningly ordered from the online 24 hr Tesco (that is one BIG Tesco – the shop must be the size of Ireland!) and that I had delivered yesterday afternoon (Branwell answered the door).
Next, I substituted all my Hobnobs for ROUND RYVITAS (HA HA HA HA) that were also delivered from online 24 hr Tesco.
Then, I went upstairs and sat on the floor directly below the LOFT HATCH. I crossed my legs like a proper YOGI, stretched my arms into the air and touched the tips of my fingers together to make myself into a TRIANGLE and I sat there all night EXUDING GOODNESS. I exuded such great amounts of GOODNESS the house nearly floated away. I couldn’t believe I had that much GOODNESS in me, (it isn’t there now, it’s gone, I exuded it all out), SHEDLOADS of GOODNESS that I aimed up into the air, through the loft hatch and INTO THE DEMON.
It didn’t work. At least it didn’t bring the DEMON out of the loft - BUT, while I was being a TRIANGLE, exuding GOODNESS, the DEMON started singing. It sang –
“I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
HE’S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY,
SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THESE QUORN SAUSAGES.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
BISMILLAH! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go!
BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go!
BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go!
WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go!
NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go-0-0-0-0-0-!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil in the sideboard – me! – poor me – poor meeeeeeee…”
Now, I need to tell you something about HOW he was singing – he was singing in TONGUES and one of the tongues (the red bits) was MINE – and what I want to know is HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT? It sounded like Demon Duelling Banjos with words, him-me-him-me-him-me but my mouth didn’t move AT ALL, it stayed WIDE OPEN all the time I was there (to exude GOODNESS) and anyway I was wearing my GAS MASK and the way I’d put it on over my WIDE OPEN MOUTH meant there was no way on this earth that I COULD have closed my mouth, it was STUCK OPEN and no one can sing with a STUCK OPEN WIDE OPEN MOUTH unless they’re some sort of genius ventriloquist and there aren’t any genius ventriloquists, you can ALWAYS see movement.
But last night wasn’t a COMPLETE waste – he’s given away his EXACT LOCATION in my loft. He’s living in the old sideboard that belonged to Granny Euphemia and when Granny Euphemia died she left it to my dear dead Daddy and when my dear dead Daddy died he left it to me but I don’t like it, it’s fuck ugly and riddled with woodworm (HA! I just wrote WORMWOOD instead of WOODWORM because I’m so used to writing WORMWOOD. I changed it). Also, it looks as if maybe I’m starting to get to him a bit, disconcert the little fucker. But he’s a stubborn one. This morning I’ve been back to online 24 hr Tesco to order more AMMO. Here’s a list of the ammo I’ve ordered —
more LINDA McCARTNEY VEGETARIAN QUORN CARDBOARD SAUSAGES
more ROUND RYVITAS
mothballs
rat poison
6 bottles of Domestos – kills all known germs. DEAD
caustic soda
some apples (they worked on Eve)
a fishing net
12 bottles of Harrogate Spring Water (online 24 hr Tesco don’t sell Holy Water)
And I was thinking of ordering a copy of Fifty Shades of Shite so the DEMON would get the impression I’ve read it, but nope, I couldn’t do it, a little voice in my head kept arguing with itself -
DEMON?/Shadey Shite?
DEMON?/Shadey Shite?
DEMON?/Shadey Shite?
and the DEMON won.
So now it’s a waiting game. A battle of wills. Dark versus light, good versus bad (erm, which side am I on?), saintliness versus evil. Dotty versus Demon.
BRING IT ON, FUCKER. NO ONE BEATS DOTTY. NO ONE AND NO THING. NOTHING.
N.B. — In case it’s gone unnoticed, you should take note that I’ve used the word ‘versus’ and not the abbreviation of the word ‘versus’ which should be a small ‘v’ but is now usually shown as a capital letter when, for example, a football match is being advertised –
LIVERPOOL V EVERTON
Not only is the word ‘versus’ abbreviated to an incorrect capital ‘v’, it’s also SPOKEN as the letter ‘v’ (vee) by STUPID ILLITERATE SLOPEY-BROWS ON THE TELLY —
LIVERPOOL VEE EVERTON
Ah, fuck it – I might just keep the DEMON and get him to spew some vile bile and brimstone over ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE.
Victor Tookes
/ August 30, 2012Maybe you should get to know your demon. Maybe he’s not so bad after all, he does have good taste in music and sausages.
What if you find out he’s actually a very nice demon, with some slight communication problems? If I lived in your woodwormy cupboard, I’d be just as frightened of you as you are of him.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Victor,
Hmmmm. You might be right. You might NOT be right, but I’ll allow for the slight possibility that you ARE right by writing a note to the DEMON and leaving it on top of the fake Hobnob packet (that I’ve filled with ROUND RYVITAS – I ate all the Hobnobs, I had to, I couldn’t let them go to waste).
Love Dotty xxx
Victor Tookes
/ August 30, 2012Maybe you should leave him a real Cumberland Sausage as a gesture of friendship and good faith? What if he thought you were trying to poison him with fake Hobnobs? That could cause him to get angry and then there would be wailing and gnashing of teeth. And it’s so hard to sleep with the sound of gnashing of teeth.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Victor,
No, he’s had enough of my Cumberland sausages, I want to make him think they’ve taken the meat out of them so he’ll leave them alone. And I AM trying to poison him which I hope will make him so angry he’ll jump out of the loft straight into the big fishing net I’ve rigged up below the loft hatch. There’s method in my madness (at least there is today). :-)
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ August 31, 2012G’day Dotty,
NOOOOOOOO! The demons if WordPress hacked Victors account and are trying to tempt you! Have at the demons! Do not let them trick you.
John.
Ps G’day Tookes.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear John,
Oh no – is Victor a DEMON? Is he living in my blog?
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ September 2, 2012G’day Dotty,
Nah the DEMON just hacked his account….
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 2, 2012Dear John,
PHEW!
Love Dotty xxx
Mondrak
/ August 30, 2012Dotty dumps Demon Des down drain
(only called him Des coz I couldn’t think of anything else starting with a Dee)
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Mondrak,
Dennis?
Desmond?
Dickie?
Del Boy?
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ August 31, 2012Dear Dotty and Mondrak,
Donald
Dickhead
Drongo
Dink
Doofus
Dudley
Damien
Wait… Daemon.
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear John,
Daemon the Demon?
Dink the Demon?
Dickhead the Demon?
:-) :-) :-) :-)
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ August 30, 2012Happy to see you are still crazy.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Robin,
Thank you. So am I. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Chris.
/ August 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Good luck.
From Christine. xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Christine,
Thank you, I’ll need it. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Fish Out of Water
/ August 30, 2012Maybe as Victor says, he’s not too bad. He’s singing to the tune of Queen, by that alone he can’t be all bad.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Fishy,
He did do a good Freddie voice. I’ll see what his response is to the note I haven’t written yet.
Love Dotty xxx
poetmcgonagall
/ August 30, 2012I sent you some ammo. See my post: https://beautifulrailwaybridgeofthesilverytay.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/ammo/. Good luck!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear poet,
I got it, thank you. It’s working already, i can hear him singing— hang on —
Baa Baa Black Sheep in a yellow submarine,
a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, love me do.
One for Michelle with the hippy, hippy shake,
And one for Jude who lives on Penny Lane.
Love Dotty xxx
faithhopechocolate
/ August 30, 2012I appreciate I’m nothing near as mental as you are Dotty, but even sat here with my knickers on my head I can’t see why you’d want the DEMON to think you’d read 50 shades of plop. I’m clearly too sane…
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear fhc,
If he thinks I’d read that book then he might think I’m on an entirely new, unexplored and completely unknown level of mentalness that’s only come into being this year and from what I know of DEMONS they like to be in control, and to be in control you have to know what you’re dealing with.
Love Dotty xxx
Anne
/ August 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Why not contact your local ‘Acorn Antiques’ shop and say that you have a fabulous Victorian sideboard that you are loath to part with, but you might sell it to them for a knockdown price and some Cumberland Sausages – if they ask you VERY nicely ;-)
Problem solved! :-D
Yours,
Anne Banana xxx
PS Whatever you do, do NOT resort to reading ’50 Shades of Shite’. (Glad to see I’m not the only one who calls it by that affectionate term of endearment.)
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 30, 2012Dear Anne,
I can’t sell it or burn it or anything; if I do, Granny Euphemia will go mad at me. She loves it. :-(
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. I won’t. I’d rather be be-gutted by the DEMON.
pouringmyartout
/ August 30, 2012I am very impressed by the action and suspense you are building here.
I am very worried that your mental state has prgressed to the stage of manifesting demons.
I am horrified to learn about those sausages and the fact that they can be ordered on line.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear pmao,
Thank you.
Is it me?
It’s terrible but true.
Love Dotty xxx
Mel
/ August 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
My dad used to deal a lot with demons. My grandmother too but her solution finally killed her, his was more subtle. My father used incense. Two scents in particular. Frankincense & Myrrh (There’s a reason why those wiseguys brought them to that manger) Frankincense traditionally helps to open your awareness of the spirit world, but it works across the board (Angels & Demons) which is why it’s used with Myrrh which is a protection against evil. These two scents along with some of that good exuding should help you bend that Demon to your will.
And once you get control of him, make him do a jig. Nothing humiliates a Demon more than forcing him do a silly dance.
Have fun.
– Mel
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Mel,
Thank you. I’ve added Frankincense and Myrrh to my list of ammo.
I’m sorry to hear you grandmother’s solution killed her. I’ll try to avoid that.
Do you think a Scottish jig or an Irish jig would be best?
Love Dotty xxx
WeeGee
/ August 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
I hate the versus, v. and V thing too.
You know in legal speak they say and instead of v. V or versus? So the case of Dotty Headbanger v. Demon would be said out loud as Dotty Headbanger AND Demon.
It bothers me…. You expect lawyers to be able to read and stuff don’t you?
Whichever way you say it though, I’m on team Dotty :-)
Love WeeGee xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear WeeGee,
From my own experience of solicitors, I don’t expect them to do anything but ROB ME BLIND.
Love Dotty xxx
prewitt1970
/ August 31, 2012Salt you need salt.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Benjamin,
Added to my ammo list. Thank you. :-)
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ August 31, 2012Dear Ms. Headbanger,
You are attempting to take the demon on by yourself? Brave, but foolish.
-S
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
What else can I do? You didn’t arrive to help me. I think you went next door instead – I heard a lot of banging and shouting and yesterday morning I saw the woman going out to the shops and she had a BIG CRUCIFIX stuck to her forehead.
Love Dotty xxx
Christopher De Voss
/ August 31, 2012Your brave Dotty! Props!
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Chris,
I’m not brave, I’m scared. But no one will help me. I asked Branwell but he said he’s in two minds about whether or not DEMONS really exist and he can’t fight something that isn’t there. :-(
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ August 31, 2012Dear Dotty,
Obviously, everybody gets the joke — no sideboard in Bohemian Rhapsody, but I think you likely know that. I guess if you keep the demon around, you can blast him every time you feel bad — he may even go along!
Love you,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Judith,
I’ve made contact with him. I’m just gathering up the notes he’s left all over the house.
Love Dotty xxx
Seb
/ August 31, 2012The demon must be a Liverpool supporter as Liverpool are evil. Evil I sez.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Seb,
And they talk funny.
Love Dotty xxx
StephenBrassawe
/ August 31, 2012I became shot through with adrenaline as I first read this harrowing tale–Dotty mano á mano with the Demon. Having calmed a bit now, I simply wish to say that I have all faith that you will get that fucker, although the idea of sparing the little dickwad on condition that he direct his foul excrescences all over those televised ignoramuses does have some merit.
Be exceedingly careful with the profligate exudation of goodness lest you start posting only facebooky inspirational messages instead of these breaths of fresh air. With that cautionary note only, I am ever with you in spirit.
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 1, 2012Dear Stephen,
Thank you for your kind concern. I think I’ve exuded all the goodness I had in me, I’ve none left to give to Fuckerberg and Friends.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ September 4, 2012Dear Dotty. I do hope he chokes on those Quorn sausages; and my grateful thanks for making sense of those lyrics for me, at long last…
Dotty Headbanger
/ September 5, 2012Dear Daniel,
You’re very welcome.
Love Dotty xxx