I need some new shoes. I haven’t bought any for over three years (what’s the point?) but I’m sick of the ones I’ve got so I’ve decided to get some more. My problem is I didn’t realise how the fashions have changed since I contracted Hermititis and People Phobia – there are some FUCKING BEAUTIFUL shoes around and I WANT THEM ALL. But I can’t afford them all so I’ve narrowed the selection down to my absolute favourites, sensible shoes for walking the moors (when I get out of this house again), for shopping, and for general everyday wear.
Help me choose which to buy, please – trying to make a decision for myself only results in multiple panic attacks.
*
WHEELIE SHOES
I LOVE the wheelie shoes so much I couldn’t make up my mind between these
and these.
*
*
WHIRLY SHOES
On second thoughts I could probably make a pair of
these for myself by melting and remoulding a section
of my washing machine.
*
*
APOCALYPSE SHOES
Since humans began to wear shoes we’ve lost the ability to run vast distances in our bare feet.
Our feet have become SOFT and WUSSIFIED, pampered plates of tenderised meat that will be
an EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL HINDRANCE to us when the APOCALYPSE comes and shoes
no longer exist. I like these because they’ll prepare us for that time.
*
*
SHOES WITHOUT HEELS SHOES
Hmm, perhaps not. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is.
*
*
BALLOONY SPORTS SHOES
Now I do like these, very much. I could BOUNCE
my way round 24 hour Tesco!!
*
*
KILLER HEELS
A good file would sharpen the ends of these heels to a fine point
and I’d have SHOE WEAPONS.
*
*
PLASTICINE SHOES
Nah, I can make these as long as I don’t get the strips of plasticine
mixed up in a brown lump (why does it always go BROWN?)
*
*
MANGLED FOOT SHOES
??????
*
and some more MANGLED FOOT SHOES
Would I have to have my toes chopped off to be
able to walk in these? I NEED my toes.
*
*
SATYR SHOES
My favourites. I don’t need to explain why, they’re
FUCKING LOVELY.
*
*
MAGGOTY SHOES
Comfortable and cushiony.
*
*
FOOD SHOES
No, you can’t eat it, silly. Not that you’d want to,
they’ve been a bit mean with the gravy.
*
Mmm, tasty.
*
Where’s the custard?
*
*
So now you see my problem – they’re all so GORGEOUS.
And they’d all suit me.
Which ones should I get?