I had to. I don’t like April Fool’s Day, I’m scared of it and Little Emily can be a sod for practical jokes. It was okay being in the tumble dryer at first, it felt safe and warm because I’d just dried my towels but while I was having the panic attacks it got a bit uncomfortable and my elbows and knees hurt like fuck now, I think I can see the bruises starting to come out.
It’s all YOUR fault I had the panic attacks. And little Emily’s. Last night I was happy because of the 626 views you’ve done on my little blog. Little Emily was happy too, we had a feast of Cumberland sausages which she cooked so I didn’t have to do anything except sit back and eat. And I ate and ate and ate, not until I was SICK like Bonnie Langford who SCREAMED and SCREAMED and SCREAMED until she was sick, just until I FELT sick.
So there I was, sitting on my sofa at one o’clock in the morning, feeling sick, unable to move because my belly was like a big stone, when little Emily said, ‘Dotty, my dear friend, what if this is all a trick?‘
‘Eh? What?’
‘Your blog guests. They may be playing tricks on you.‘
‘What’re you on about?’
‘The statistics on your blog. What if they are an illusion, a despicable antic executed to make you THINK you have 626 views when really you do not?’
‘Shut up, idiot. I’ll show you it, it’s still on my stats page.’
‘Yes it is. But what if a secret group of infiltrating bloggers caused it to happen? Strange ne’er-do-wells lurk in Blogland too, my friend.’
‘And why the fuck would they do that? And WHO the fuck would do that? All the people on my blog are nice and kind and I love them.’
‘What about Judith?‘
‘She doesn’t like me. She has it in for me.’
‘HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. If you think Judith would do something like that you’ve LOST IT. Stop being stupid, divvy bitch.’
‘If not Judith, then who?’
‘I don’t know. Nobody.’
‘Someone did it.’
‘Okay then, tell me how.’
‘I have been thinking about it. It is highly possible that they might have paid Wordpress to perform an adjustment.‘
‘It’d have to be A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY for WordPress to do something like that.’
‘Not if WordPress are almost bankrupt. I heard rumours that bailiffs had been seen clearing out blogs. They were seen stacking furniture onto a cart.‘
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Would I lie to you, my dear friend? Would I lie to you on this day of all days, the day that follows your 626 views that came about on the last day of March?‘
‘No, no you wouldn’t. I’m sorry.’
‘Go to bed, dear friend. It’s already tomorrow.‘
‘Right, yes, I will.’
And I did but I couldn’t sleep for worrying – so which of you was it?
WHO FIDDLED MY FUCKING FIGURES?
I can feel another panic attack coming on and my knees and elbows hurt.
I knew it was too good to be true.
626 fucking views my arse.
Well at least little Emily didn’t get a chance to play her April Fool’s Day tricks. She can’t get me now, it’s too late.
I hid in the tumble dryer. It was a bit of a squeeze.
Notes From A She-Hermit ©™® 
judithatwood
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
Or maybe she got you good, by making you doubt the happiness you get from having so many followers. She is wrong — I don’t have it in for her, but I want her to be a friend, not a sneaky little sneak who sneaks around and plays April Fool’s Day jokes on you. Also, I cannot stand her books, but I can’t stand any of her family’s books either. No one fucked with you but little Emily, and I think she is deep down afraid because we’ve become good friends. I am sorry about that — I’m no threat to her. Please tell her what I said.
Love, and Congratulations!,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Judith,
I didn’t believe her when she said it was you, she’s just a jealous cow. 😎
I just showed her your note and she made a sort of ‘harruuummpphh’ noise and she’s gone to sit in the corner.
I still don’t know who did it though.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
Simply my suggestion, but can you release some of the ‘worry’ pressure? Emily will get over herself eventually, so tell her to grow up, or stay in the corner, which ever she wishes. In the meantime, have you thought about Scotty and Lottie as potential saboteurs? You didn’t end up on such great terms. Are either of them vindictive enough to do something like this?
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Judith,
SCOTTY.
fucking USELESS JUDAS fucking assassin GADGET MAN who knows how to GET INTO ANYTHING ANYWHERE ANYTIME.
Yes, you’re right as usual, Judith, it could have been him.
I’m going to fucking KILL HIM.
Love Dotty xxx
Michelle Railey
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
I swear on my honor (such as it is) that I didn’t mess with your numbers. I think your numbers are real. If they’re not, they should be. When Little Emily gets so many hits in one day on her blog, maybe then she can talk about it. But I bet she will insist on always doing that whole bookish thing instead.
Love,
Michelle
(P.S. Have you tried knee pads for when you’re in the dryer?)
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Michelle,
Thank you for telling me it wasn’t you. But somebody did it.
No, I haven’t tried knee pads. I think I have an old bicycle safety set upstairs somewhere (WHERE?) and it’s got knee pads, elbow pads and a safety helmet in it. Good thinking. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
I know you have grounds to kill him already, but see if he’ll admit it first, so the question will be answered. Best of luck — you know he’ll try to trick you!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Judith,
I’ve been thinking all day about this. I’m not sure if it IS him – I haven’t heard from any of them since the day of the party that wasn’t a party, I don’t see WHY he’d do it although I fully believe he knows of a WAY to do it. I don’t want to speak to him, or Lottie though.
I’ve been preparing for an attack while I’ve been thinking about it all. I’m ready for the fuckers if they come for me.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
Then please disregard what I said earlier. You really have no obligation ever to talk to him again! Have a relaxing night, a cup of tea, a Cumberland Sausage nightcap, and get a wonderful night’s sleep.
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Judith,
Thank you. 😎 Have a good rest of the day.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
You do the same, honey! 😎
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Judith,
😎
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ April 1, 2012Dotty,
Do you think White Baby Jesus has anything to do with this?
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear clown,
I wouldn’t put it past him. But if it was him surely he’d have added another 40 views to the total?
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
You have so many hits because everyone loves you and Little Emily needs to stop being so paranoid. Stop giving Dotty panic attacks, they’re no fun at all. I wouldn’t know how to mess up anyone’s numbers…I only have six followers myself!!
The dryer sounds wonderful…I think I’ll try it for my sinuses.
Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Thank you.
Don’t go in the tumble dryer if you think you might have a panic attack. I’m walking round like fucking Robocop.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 1, 2012So I am not the only one who is suspicious that WordPress is up to something sneaky with all their numbers? Good, because I can’t fit in my dryer.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear pmao,
Was it you?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 2, 2012No, but I haven’t gotten any UK hits today.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear pmao,
PUNCH
There’s one for you.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 2, 2012Hit me with your best shot.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear pmao,
BAM
Love Dotty xxx
chamberofthebizarre
/ April 1, 2012Who would fuck with your numbers? The Bilderberg Group is behind it. Word is they’ve brought in the Yakuza on this, as well as a mysterious cyber criminal known only as “Lord Venom.” Footsteps in corridor … must run … said too much already … beware the man with one eye …
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 1, 2012Dear chamber,
Thank you, this is the proof I needed. Judith was right (she always IS) – Scotty did it – but why would his bosses want to fake MY little blog views? Are they trying to reach Scotty through me? You know what his last jobs were, don’t you? I can’t tell you, it’s all hush-hush still but here’s a clue – DEAD TYRANTS & TERRORISTS. Oh, I’ll have to speak to him now.
Be careful out there.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ April 1, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am having an almost panic attack just thinking of you in the tumble dryer…. such a small enclosed space…. must.not.think.about.it
I am extremely claustrophobic…. Please tell me you kept the door open a little….
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear the howler and me,
I’m sorry, I don’t want you to have a panice attack but no, she’d have been able to get me if I’d left the door open. Funnily enough though, she didn’t even TRY to fool me and that’s not like her at all. I wonder if she’s sickening for something?
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 2, 2012G’day Dotty,
Maybe it was some barstard who posted your link in some award thing?
Cheers,
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear John,
YOU DID IT? But you’re a nice Aussie, like Skippy or like Harold on Neighbours. I’m totally upset now, I thought all Aussies were rehabilitated generations ago.
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 2, 2012Dear Dotty,
I meant people clicking the link to your site from a post of mine… Not me attacking your site, besides I think I only have 8 Aussie followers… your country stats should narrow it down to a place for starters, then referers… I doubt many people click on my links, it seems the majority of my followers do not read my posts… or just cannot understand me…
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear John,
I’m kidding!! But it was still you, wasn’t it? 😉
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 2, 2012We will never know 😈
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 2, 2012Dear John
I’ll find out — some day. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx