I have a secret to tell you. I wasn’t allowed to say anything before but now I can BECAUSE NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
The secret is that after the horrendous way Sergeant Sherlock treated me (REMEMBER HIM?), the Big Chief Inspector and I had an agreement – when a complaint is made about me he sends his underlings round to my house to take a statement, all official-like, then, before the statement can be filed, he makes it go away and he makes the complaint go away and if he HAS to he makes the complainants go away too. In return, I don’t tell the newspapers about his druggy Sergeant who tried to take advantage of a poor, vulnerable, mentally-different She-Hermit (ME!).
The agreement worked well when everything went to plan, but in a situation like the one that happened yesterday afternoon when everything DIDN’T go to plan, it can all go tits up.
It started with the underling Dibbles being late. It’s a stipulation of our agreement that I NEVER have to wait for them, EVER, and the resulting panic attacks left me unable to answer the door when the fuckers DID decide to turn up. So what did they do? They BROKE THE DOOR DOWN, picked me up off the floor and arrested me, then they radioed for the Black Maria, threw me inside it and took me to the station where they PUT ME IN A CELL AND LEFT ME THERE TO ROT. All I could do was have panic attack after panic attack and vomit my innards into their nasty metal toilet. A doctor came after fuck knows how long and calmed me down enough for me to ask to see the Big Chief Inspector who didn’t come downstairs to my cell until about three months later.
RESULT
I now have COMPLETE IMMUNITY FROM THE POLICE AND INSTANT DOUBLE DIBBLE PROTECTION IF I EVER FEEL I’M BEING GOT AT. Like a diplomat. Like the Queen. Like Prince William. Like Prince Harry. Like Princess Kathy. Like Prince Charles (who we should never almost forget because he IS the first in line).
I also received a profuse and exorbitant and extremely satisfying apology from the Big Chief Inspector.
I was also awarded a very nice, very shiny QUEEN’S POLICE MEDAL which I spotted in the display cabinet in the Big Chief Inspector’s office – it was originally awarded to the Big Chief Inspector for saving the lives of twenty-four people in something or other, I don’t know what, I wasn’t really listening until he said I deserved it more than he did. Very true.
I was also given the promise (a written promise, naturally) of transport to and from where ever I want to go when I’m ready and able to leave my house – which means that when I’m cured of Hermititis and People Phobia, I’ll NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR A TAXI FROM TESCO EVER AGAIN.
BOSH!
DOTTY WINS AGAIN.
NO ONE BEATS DOTTY.
Notes From A She-Hermit ©™® 
Dorothy
/ June 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
You poor dear and so deservedly so. They should never had made you wait. Making someone wait is the worst thing for panic attacks and especially when trapped in a house. Stupid fuckers! I’m glad you now have the royal treatment but what an horrible way to get it, actually there is a worse way you could be married to Prince Charles…ick. (sorry) I’d take his old man over him any day, even if he is 90 whatever. So, glad you are back home again. But someone at that station needs to be smacked around with a wet towel. Idiots!
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 21, 2012Dear Dorothy,
I did get the opportunity to give the underlings a kick in the goolies or two when the Big Chief Inspector called them up to his office to reprimand them. One of them screamed like a girl.
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ June 21, 2012ooooh……were you wearing high heels or any heels?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dorothy,
No, just my Doc Marten’s with the steel toe-caps.
Love Dotty xx
Dorothy
/ June 22, 2012touche
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dorothy,
🙂
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
You are an inspiration! I can’t even imagine how the first part of the story felt — that is disgusting and uncalled for. Private Property! And why did they arrest you in the first place? A bunch of untrained, thoroughly stupid fuckers! Congratulations on getting one up on the Chief Inspector — use that privilege for all it is worth!
You go, she-hermit!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 21, 2012Dear Judith,
Oh, I intend to. It’s given me the spur I need to get some help to go out. I have a POLICE HELICOPTER at my disposal, forget the panda car to Tesco, I can go shopping where ever I want. I can go to MEADOWHALL. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 21, 2012Hooray!!! 😎
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Judith,
🙂
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 21, 2012Indomitably Dotty!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dags,
🙂
Love Dotty xxx
rachelmiller1511
/ June 21, 2012Dear Dotty,
Have a lovely little award:
Love Rachel
xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Rachel,
Thank you very much. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ June 21, 2012My dear Dotty,
I can’t even imagine what you went through. It seems too many federales in most countries get this attitude behind a uniform, gun, badge and/or any of the above. Except, of course, for the few Big Chief Inspectors of the world. Yours must have missed the Police Academy classes, “How To Treat A Scumbag” and “Everyone Is A Scumbag.” My thoughts are with you.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
Thank you. It’s terrible when officials won’t do as they’re told.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ June 21, 2012Make them go the extra mile…ask for Bluewater! xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Daniel,
Down south? They’ll sell nothing but caviar and lambryos.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dotty
I was puzzled by your reply, so Googled ‘lambryos’ and it took me back to your comment on my comment. I feel I am going around in circles, and badly need a drink now that I have finally found out what lambryos are. Daniel xxx – ps I think my local Waitrose now sell them, thanks to my Google search.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Daniel,
Nasty, aren’t they? I doubt anyone up here has ever tasted them.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 21, 2012Take the helicopter out at night and see the lights! Or something like that. Ohhhhhhh and here is your daily ice cream cone… OOO>>>
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Brick,
I will. If I’m out of the house by the time winter comes round again I can get it to take me to see the lights at Blackpool! 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. Thank you for my ice cream. Are your chocolate sprinkles on ration? I didn’t get as many as I did yesterday.
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 22, 2012My bad. Here are some chocolate sprinkles to keep in the cupboard…..
— :— :::…..,’——,,,,,,,,,;;;;;;;………—::::://::::::::::::::::***************……..*****
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Brick,
Thank you, I can sprinkle to my heart’s content. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 22, 2012Yep, and to be safe, here is some more
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Brick,
🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Go and see my new blog!!! I did a post about it.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 22, 2012on my way……………..
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 22, 2012Looks like all my comments I just did were send to spam on the blog…I might need you to fish me out. 😀
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Brick,
I will – I just had to rescue this one. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
Alonesomewhere
/ June 21, 2012He must have felt pretty aweful giving you his medal and all. You forgot to mention Camilla. Or is she one that shall not be named? Servus!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Alonesomewhere,
Hello. 🙂
No, we don’t mention that strumpet’s name. No one likes her, except when she plays Audrey on Coronation Street.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ June 21, 2012Dear Dotty, How nice you have finally been liberated to the same measure as a Canadian teenager! Very Proud Of You!!!
Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Do Canadian teenagers have immunity too? British teenagers like to think they do.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yep, I believe a teenager could piss on a police car and still not get a slap on the wrist here. Some kids are in for quite a shock when they turn 18… It’s terrible. Teach them young that they must face consequences and maybe when they become adults they will have learned their lesson. But what do I know.
Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Alphabet,
I agree. All this political correctness has made a rod for the backs of the last couple of generations of parents.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 21, 2012There’s a great Tom Waits’ song with a “Big Black Maria”.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear Misfit,
I’ll have a look for it on Youtube. If it’s crap I’ll charge you for time wasted.
Love Dotty xxx
PAZ
/ June 22, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m so behind in posts I’m afraid I’ll never catch up or understand why you were there in the first place. But I will say this, I’m stealing “tits up”. mehehehe
Love xoxoxxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear PAZ,
I’ve fallen behind again too, I haven’t been to see anyone’s blog but I’m busy with something else so I’ll have to give those posts a miss I think. I still feel guilty though.
Love Dotty xxx
thelastsongiheard
/ June 22, 2012Dotty… you should write this in a book… seriously… I love you. And your cumberland sausages 😛
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear tlsih,
Don’t you touch my Cumberland sausages. You can’t have them because you don’t live here any more. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ June 22, 2012Dotty,
“NO ONE BEATS DOTTY”…. Well…
Oh shut up Le Clown.
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear clown,
Yes, shut up.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. What were you going to say after ‘Well…’? Tell me, tell me!!
clownonfire
/ June 22, 2012Dotty,
Well… Le Clown, of course.
Le Clown
PS: And it’s “Le” Clown, Ms. Headbanger.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 22, 2012Dear clown,
But your name’s still clownonfire. And you’re still very pink.
Love Dotty xxx