I got to sleep with a double-double dose of laudanum and a few glasses of absinthe and a handful of beta-blockers that I pretended were red Smarties. I was still starving when I woke up this morning but I had a good breakfast of –
MEAT (the Atkins Diet)
PORRIDGE (the calorie-counting Diet)
a BERRY (the Paleo Diet. Did cavemen eat Strawberry Cornettos?)
a SLIM-FAST CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE (the Slim-Fast Diet)
some MUESLI (the Boring Fuckers Healthy Eating Diet)
some SPECIAL K (the Special K 2 weeks Diet)
and my CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE SANDWICHES (Dotty’s Fucking Fat Arse Diet).
I was still a bit peckish so I sneaked in an item from the allowed foods on the Toast Diet list and I made a bit of toast (the Toast Diet).
It’s SO HARD, this dieting shite. How do all these skinny celebs manage to keep it up for always, especially when they have all that money to buy nice things to eat? They must be FUCKING MENTAL.
Notes From A She-Hermit ©™® 
unfetteredbs
/ June 15, 2012way to stay strong.. dieting does suck and those damn celebrities have a boat load of money to pay people to follow their shite around. Do skinny people REALLY have more fun? I doubt it
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear bs,
I don’t know, maybe they DO have more fun, at least I think those who can eat what they like without piling on the pounds do. Not those who have to watch every mouthful though – they’re probably more miserable than fat arsed people.
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
Even your post titles are a bleedin’ riot!
Love,
Would-Feel-Much-More-Magic-if-They’d-Let-Me-Out-of-This-Fucking-Hospital-Already
Oh, that’s too long…
Love,
Magically Miserable
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear Magic,
Do you want me to make use of my Collected Americans to break you out?
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
Dying laughing. Yes, if you have an American Commando in your collection please dispatch him to McLean Hospital, Proctor 2 for a rescue. Thank you for your generosity, as always.
Love,
Magic
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Magic,
Hmmm, the best qualified one has been posted elsewhere right now, but I’ll see what I can do. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ June 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
You rock!
Love,
Magic!
judithatwood
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
Atkins — that’s the name I was trying to remember! Sounds to me like you have a great handle on things! And fear not: Any diet makes anyone mental! 8-L
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Judith,
Atkins should be force-fed his own MEAT.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ June 16, 2012too late…he died in 2003
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Daniel,
Well that diet isn’t any good if it killed him!!
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Love,
Judith
Dorothy
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
The secret is not wanting to eat anymore, replacing the desire for food with disgust. It takes time though and insanity. Calling diets diets is also bad because the brain considers it deprivation and starvation. It took me awhile to reprogram my brain into believing I didn’t need all of the good food and look now all it tries to do is kill me on occasion! Congratulations though on that first night!
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Yes — my favourite, favourite pizza used to be Dr Oetkers Garlic & Mushroom until one night I had a nasty sickness bug after I’d eaten one – now I can’t even stand the smell – actually, just thinking about them makes me feel queasy.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ June 15, 2012Dotty,
Could you get on a ninth diet for me? A ventriloquist dieting… Something groundbreaking… You diet, and I lose weight?
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear clown,
Howsabout YOU diet, AND do all the exercise? I’ll count the calories for you and we’ll split the difference.
Love Dotty xxx
magikdolls
/ June 15, 2012I don’t know how the diet thing works, I try it, and I fail. I either don’t eat or I eat too much. Its pretty lame. When I am at work and I get an urge to munch, I chew on some gum?
You can do it!
Sara
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Magikdolls,
No, I can’t do it.
Love Dotty xxx
magikdolls
/ June 18, 2012Maybe a few mentally disturbed psychopaths and a crazy cat lady or two 😉
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 18, 2012Dear Magikdolls,
True.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
The idea of combining 8 diets is fucking genius. That means you know it must be 8 times as effective as just one diet. Brill.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
That’s what I thought. I got up to twelve.
Love Dotty xxx
thelastsongiheard
/ June 15, 2012I’m curious… as an ex-pat living in America… am I a collected American or just a traitor to my homeland?? 😀
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear tlsih,
Ex-pats are my spies. Do you want to be one?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 15, 2012I drank a yucky protein drink for breakfast, just to be tortured with you 😀
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Brick,
Thank you for supporting me, but don’t do it, don’t do it, I can’t cope with thinking my Brick is miserable. EAT SAUSAGES.
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ June 15, 2012Let me have the double double dose of laudanum and the few glasses of absinthe and I’ll think about it…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
Okay.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 15, 2012I only diet on weekdays… weekends and vacations, all bets are off.
Cavemen did the fresh strawberries and working really really hard diet.
I like Special K with the dried berries. They have a new blueberry flavored one, or at least we, here in the civilized world of processed foods do.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear pmao,
I don’t like the berry Special K, I like the plain one best.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 16, 2012I will not hold it against you…
Summer Moon
/ June 16, 2012Great job, Dotty!!! Not easy at all, so that’s awesome you are hanging in there. Keep up the great work! 🙂
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear SM,
I tried.
Love Dotty xxx
Summer Moon
/ June 16, 2012Hi Dotty! I’ve just nominated you for the Sunshine Award. 🙂 You can read more about it here if you’d like: http://mybipolarbubble.com/2012/06/16/i-thank-you/. Please don’t feel you need to accept it if you don’t want to. No hard feelings if you don’t. I just wanted to nominate you ’cause I absolutely love your blog. You never cease to make me laugh and tear up with pure hilarious enjoyment. 🙂
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear SM,
Thank you very much. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ June 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yes, Celebrities are totally MORE MENTAL than any of us regular people… I mean who wants to eat a pea for dinner and be satisfied???
Gimme a REAL meal. FUCK being all skin and bones… real women have CURVES 🙂
Love,
the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear the howler and me,
I don’t know how they CAN be satisfied with what they eat. If I ate the small amount they ate my hair would be lank(er), my complexion would be GREY and I’d feel like shite. They must eat vitamin pills instead of meals!!
Love Dotty xxx
Lady Marilyn Kay Dennis
/ June 17, 2012Of course they’re all mental! And on all sorts of drugs – prescription or otherwise. And laxatives. Just imagine not being allowed to eat chocolate – or, in your case, Cumberland sausages! Forever! Or at least until you’re no longer a celebrity. Which could take decades. No! Fame is not for me! Which is fortunate, because I’m obviously not for it, either.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 17, 2012Dear Lady Dennis,
Nutters, the lot of them.
Love Dotty xxx
thedeadguy666
/ June 18, 2012There are these pills, “Mexican diet pills”, you take them one time and then when you’ve lost enough weight you take some other pills for about a week. You can eat whatever you want because the pills hatch inside you and eat almost all of what you take in. It’s all rather disturbing. But then so are diet chips made with Olestra or Olean which requires a diaper to be worn after eating them, just in case of leakage.
Celebs don’t diet, they just have the money to have the fat sucked out of their butts and some injected back into their lips once a week. Something to think about when you see them on t.v.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 20, 2012Dear Dead Guy,
A WORM! AAAAAARRGGGHHHHHH NO, I DON’T WANT A WORM!
Love Dotty xxx